Hypnosis So Far

I think it's working out pretty well! Even my roommate said it was a big improvement. So here's what happened last weekend:

The roommate, his cousin (my ex roommate) and I all went out to a local pub. I fully intended to get smashed... mission accomplished! So with a little liquid courage and the hypnosis techniques, I was a lot more out going and talked up a couple of groups of girls, kissed one, and generally had a good time. Once my friends gave me a shot of whiskey (my poison) I started to get really sick and that was pretty much the end of the night there, but up till that point things went really well.

I've had another session since then. Not likely to go out this weekend due to finals homework, but overall I've even noticed a change in my mentality. Like at this point, I don't really care if I have someone to hang out with or not. It used to be I got bored, then bummed out, then depressed if I was left alone with no one to talk to. Now, I just don't care either way. I'm not actively looking for people to spend time with outside of my close friends, and I'm fine with that. It is fun to get out, mingle, and meet new people for sure, but right now I'm busy with school, work and gym, so I'm plenty occupied as it is. Maybe when winter break gets here I can get out more often and take this a bit further.

Anyway, long story short, the hypnosis so far has accomplished one positive thing I hadn't anticipated - namely that I'm comfortable just being by myself, that's the first step to being comfortable with myself, and once I can accept myself as I am, then I won't need to seek it out in others anymore. Like I said before, I'm already feeling that way now. Not that I WANT to be a loner or that I have to be one, just that I can be cool just hanging out alone, doing my thing, and not get all bummed out about it. I appreciate and look forward to the time I hang out with my roommate, his cousin, my lifting partner, or anyone else I consider a friend. But if they aren't around to hang out with, no big deal, I can entertain myself.

So I have four more hypnosis sessions left, I fully anticipate that I will accomplish a lot of my goals through this process. That combined with my general feeling of "just try it" will get me a long way to where I want to be.

Hypnosis - A New Approach

So after doing a bit of research on the subject, I'm of the strong opinion that for someone in my situation, hypnosis would be an effective way to treat my underlying root causes of my feelings of inadequacy and my need to seek out in other men what I feel I lack. In other words, hypnosis will help me build the confidence in myself that I need to move beyond my homosexual attraction and get me to the point where I feel confident in myself that I not only no longer need other men to validate myself, but I become self sufficient esteem wise that I need no one's validation, consciously or subconsciously. At that point, I can feel comfortable approaching women without that fear of rejection and the expectation that they are as superficial as gay men (from what my straight and bi friends tell me, they aren't, so that's an irrational fear on my part that can be addressed by the hypnosis).

Here are a few sources I found on this subject. Yes I realize they are mostly older sources, however, should we discount old research that could potentially remain valid? Did the earth stop revolving around the sun or the world cease being round? Just because it is no longer politically correct to research this subject and the psychological establishment has been made to cower in the face of the militant GLBT activists who seek to quash any further research into the understanding of homosexuality if it doesn't suit their needs (ie, the only valid research into the origins and causes of homosexuality is purely genetic and any research into potentially alleviating homosexual attraction for those not comfortable with that lifestyle is completely taboo).

The first source is from the Canadian Medical Association Journal and it's a study specifically on the effects of hypnotherapy on homosexuality. The next source is a conglomeration of research on this subject by a PhD in Psychology entitled "Is Gay to Straight Possible", and the most recent date cited looks to be 2006, so a little more recent.

Now, all that said, I would like to remind my readers once again that this blog is for those men who DO NOT want to be gay, do not fit in to the gay lifestyle and seek a change to where they are more comfortable with themselves and their futures away from homosexual attractions and the feelings of hopelessness that come with not easily fitting in with gay norms and expectations. For those who are more easily able to adapt to and become a part of the gay community, live the gay lifestyle, and are entirely happy doing so, this blog, nor this therapy approach, is not for you. As with any subject being addressed in hypnosis, a clinical hypnotist cannot make the subject of hypnosis do anything his or her conscious mind refuses. A hypnotist can't make a straight man gay anymore than he or she can make a gay man straight if neither wishes to be that way.

BUT, as they say, where there is a will, there is a way. If the subject truly wishes to change some aspect of themselves (and for myself I am seeing a hypnotherapist to address my lack of self confidence, which will allow all the other issues to fall like dominoes as a result), then that change is possible. If a hypnotherapist attempted to change a perfectly happy gay man into a straight one, it wouldn't work, and the clinical research bears this out.

So tomorrow is my first hypnosis session, she said that I will likely feel a lot better and more confident even after the first session. So we shall see what takes place and the outcome, but I am optimistic of some good results!

Why the Attraction?

For those of us who seek to grow beyond our attractions to other men so that we can move beyond the negative aspects of our pasts and grow into a more positive and complete individual, it might be productive to ask ourselves why are we attracted to other men. I believe this serves two important purposes. The first being that "knowing there is a trap is the first step to avoiding it", in other words, if we understand what causes us to develop the attraction, we can learn to recognize that attraction growing and develop strategies to effectively counter that attraction. The second purpose is so as not to repress that attraction, which will likely only serve to fester underneath the surface until is erupts in a manner that we no longer possess the ability to control.

For myself, and quite a few men I've met like me, our attraction appears to stem from the same combination of factors: rejection/acceptance, low self esteem, and lack of internalized masculinity. Often these factors are combined in various ways and various strengths, but can often be traced back to a particular event or circumstance in our pasts. For myself, mine stems from not really connecting with my father due to our family problems (though today I have a great relationship with him, it's just something I missed out on growing up) and not being accepted by my male peers. I had a few male friends growing up, but having to move almost every year of my life prohibited me from developing deep relationships with those other boys. So constantly being the "new kid" in school, I had to start over again at the bottom of the social hierarchy to determine where I fit in. By the time I hit high school, I just stopped trying to develop deep friendships and never really connected to anyone on a long term basis.

Growing up I was always the smallest kid in class more often than not, in both height and weight. This affected my self esteem, naturally, as I felt inferior to those taller or more athletic guys around me. My attraction to other men was not an attraction to them as a person, but rather to those qualities I felt I lacked in myself (as I've discussed on this blog several times in the past). Recognizing that this is the root cause of my attraction to other men, I was able to develop strategies to counter it, the main one being simply that recognition and the realization from my past that nothing positive will come from seeking out superficial qualities in other males, as I won't magically absorb those qualities into myself just by having sex with them. What WILL happen, however, is that I will get my rocks off, I'll be a one night stand, and I'll feel miserable after wards because I allowed myself to be used for sex and I used another person to temporarily fulfill my needs by making me feel "complete" for however long our sexual experience lasted.

I would much rather have a permanent solution to that "completeness", so now I see the qualities in other men that I desire, and I try to emulate them if possible. In other words, I try to develop my own innate sense of masculinity based on the qualities I would have sought out in sexual partners in the past. Sometimes this isn't possible, for example, my two greatest role models at this point in my life are my trainer and Tim Tebow. My trainer is about my height, so I could get up to his size, and I am actually in the process of working on that, so he's not as much of a stretch to emulate as Tim Tebow, who stands 6'2" and 245lbs. Proportionally, I would have to weight about 215lbs to match him, and that's just kinda too big. But he has other qualities that I CAN emulate: his ambitions and goals, his openness and courage, and in some respects, his spirituality.

In either case, that's not to say I want to be 100% like them. Neither role model is perfect, nor do I expect perfection in my role models or even myself. What I see in them is a complete individual who I can strive to be like, who despite their setbacks, they've accomplished a lot in their lives, and are trying to be the best people they can be. Ultimately these qualities are far more important than simply the physical. I will admit that the physical does play into my conception of masculinity that I seek for myself, but that isn't the only way I define masculinity. For me, masculinity isn't just muscles, it's personal responsibility, dedication to improve, and love of those important to you - a true and deeply abiding love that comes from the heart, not the groin.

So ultimately we must learn to develop ourselves and our identities to the point where we become our own role models. We must be able to wake up and look in the mirror and admire ourselves (not in a narcissistic way) for both our strengths and weaknesses. For our successes and struggles. I made this quote earlier this week and I think it would apply to anyone, but especially those in our situation:

Challenge yourself to be more than you thought possible, dream beyond your previously conceived limitations, strive to achieve perfect harmony with your failures and successes, and never look to your past as a mirror or your future as an illusion. You are you, go be the best you that you can be!

Likewise, on the way home I heard this on the radio. Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon. The lyrics, in a strange way, are somewhat applicable if you think of it in the terms above. That we see someone that we want to be, but what we need to do is learn to see ourselves in that way so that we no longer need someone else to fill that role.



Most importantly, the very end of that video has a message I think speaks volumes to those of us struggling and trying to overcome this issue.

Addressing the Myths -

First off, a personal myth I want to dispel, I am NOT religious nor do I seek to "pray the gay away" in my situation. I am basing my recovery from homosexuality on psychological methods grounded in research and logic. That said, if I do include religious based information, it is usually for informational purposes and not to make a factual point.

MYTH: The APA/Scientists Say that Homosexuality is Genetic

FACT: From the APA Pamphlet "Answers to Your Questions For a Better Understanding of Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality"

What causes a person to have a particular sexual orientation?

There is no consensus among scientists about the exact reasons that an individual develops a heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or lesbian orientation. Although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social, and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors. Many think that nature and nurture both play complex roles; most people experience little or no sense of choice about their sexual orientation.

Now, let's consider that once upon a time, the APA considered homosexuality a disease, correct? And it was Dr. Robert L. Spitzer who convinced the APA to change that view, and now (in 2005) has changed his view again, and believes that sexual orientation is changeable. This DOES NOT mean that homosexuality is a disease, merely that for SOME homosexuals, they do not accept it in themselves and it is counter their ideals and beliefs. So while the APA was, ostensibly, wrong before, they are apparently 100% right now? Perhaps the truth lies elsewhere, and were further research allowed into the subject by the National Institute of Health, perhaps we would find that 1. Sexual Orientation is changeable for those who desire to change it and 2. That Gay Affirmative Therapy isn't the best approach for those who seek to get away from the negative stigma that homosexuality has placed on them, often from the gay community itself.

One needs only to look at my blog, links I've included to gay website and what they say about myself and those like me seeking to grow beyond their "community". Homosexuality is, according to the gay left, welcoming, affirming, tolerant, and accepting. However, the caveat is, only if you successfully assimilate to the gay norms. For those who seek to be true to themselves who are more conservative, Christian, not into the "gay scene" or otherwise don't fit into the gay community as it has defined itself, then you are social pariahs and worthy of derision, ostracism, and general vile hatred rising to the same level that gays complain the most vehement religious fundamentalists throw at them.

I welcome anyone from the Gay Community to stand up against the most negative of your crew, I welcome anyone from the Gay Community to demonstrate that I am wrong and that the Gay Community is actually welcoming and accepting of people, no matter their ideology or preferences. So far, I have failed to see this, and the more negativity that is directed toward me and those like me seeking to distance ourselves from the gay community, the more our position is affirmed. In other words, attacking those who don't fit in to your stereotypes and norms won't make those people any happier or accepting of your group and what you represent.

As I've said before, the basic approach I've gotten from my gay critics is "You're gay dammit, come and be gay and miserable with us and let us continue to harass you because you aren't like us!" Fact is, the gays need a punching bag because they have been harassed for so long as a community. I understand the human nature behind that, it makes them feel good to have someone they can kick around, be it gay Republicans, gay Christians, or masculine gay men who don't participate in the "scene". But these gays apparently fail to see that they are perpetuating the same exact harassment that they've endured for roughly half a century from modern day society. Again, the hypocrisy is appalling, and something I couldn't stomach any longer.

Perhaps one day the gay community will wake up and say "Man, ya know, we've been total dicks to the gay Republicans/Christians/Non-scene guys. Why are we such nasty bitches? We should be more accepting and tolerant just like we want society to accept and tolerate us!"

I don't expect that to ever happen, because playing the perpetual victim while simultaneously making more victims out of those who don't conform is an easier approach. Gays don't so much fight back against discrimination so much as bitch out and drown out any valid debate. Anything even remotely questioning their approach, norms, or positions is automatically "homophobic". When you have reached the level where free speech isn't allowed and all debate has ceased, you have become your own enemy.

Ken Buck, Connexion, and some clarification

So I've been linked from Connexion again (yes I track where people see my blog from) and apparently it's in connection to the recent statement made by Ken Buck on Meet the Press:

GREGORY: Do you believe that being gay is a choice?
BUCK: I do.
GREGORY: Based on what?
BUCK: Based on what? I guess you can choose who your partner is. GREGORY: You don't think it's something that's determined at birth?
BUCK: I think that birth has an influence over it, like alcoholism and some other things, but I think that basically, you have a choice.

So another commenter on the board actually made this point, but choosing to act on your homosexuality is a choice. Let's say for the sake of argument that being homosexual is 100% genetic (and science hasn't concluded that yet, nor will gay activists allow further study into other avenues, but I digress). No one holds a gun to your head forcing you to have sex with another dude, right? So you do have the choice on acting on your homosexuality.

But on the point of homosexuality being like alcoholism (and I believe it is), it is like a compulsion and comprised of habitual actions. For those of you reading this, how often have you had anonyomous sex with a one night stand and felt guilt or regret after wards, only to do the same again the next weekend? How often have you felt that you seek out the same types of guys, hoping to find someone who matches you and completes you, looking for that guy that has what you feel like you lack in yourself? How often have you tried again and again to fit into the gay culture only to be burned out of the drama, BS, and back stabbing that goes with the scene?

Homosexuality is a sexual preference, gay is a lifestyle. Everyone has a choice as to what lifestyle they will pursue. There can be plenty of non-gay homosexuals in the world (and plenty have contacted me about this subject). They are made to feel rejected and alone, but surprisingly, they seem to make up the majority of the homosexual population. Unfortunately, they have been so brainwashed by the gay activists, that they don't believe that there is any choice other than to be outcast and miserable (but true to themselves) or fake and fit into the gay culture.

For those of you reading this who are 100% content being gay, amen, more power to you, this blog isn't for you, this blog offers nothing in your favor, nor does it seek to "convert" you to something you're not comfortable being. But that works both ways, there are many homosexual men who are NOT happy with the gay lifestyle and who question if there is something more, a better path for themselves. Those are the men I addressed in the third paragraph questions. Gay affirmative therapy is just as damaging to these men as reparative therapy would be to gay men who are content with the gay lifestyle. Forcing people to be something counter their ideals and values is inexcusable. Again, that works both ways. Those men trying to overcome and leave behind their gay past and even overcome their homosexuality shouldn't be attacked by those who are, supposedly, 100% happy being gay. If you're happy, go be happy, leave the guys trying to be happy too alone.

Homosexuality is neither a choice nor is it biological, it's a mix of the two, and like alcoholism, certain situations can exacerbate the inherent nature of the individual and the ailment will manifest. Someone could have alcoholism run in their family, doesn't mean they will be an alcoholic, but it does mean that they have a higher propensity to turn to alcoholism as a coping mechanism if something affects them deeply and negatively. The same is true for homosexuality. Certain people probably have genetic precursors that could lead to homosexuality, but whether they act on it or not depends on other environmental situations. In either case, both are a method of coping with situations that at that time are beyond our control. Neither is inherently evil, but both can lead to negative outcomes in extreme cases and when the compulsion rises to the level of absolute dependency.

So hopefully that clarifies issues a little more. I am sure I will still have plenty of critics from the gay left, and again, this blog isn't for them as I am not trying to "convert" people who are content with their situations. This blog is for those men who are not content and who want to seek another path in life.

And for the record, AGAIN, I am NOT religious, so I don't buy the whole "pray the gay away". It might work for those individuals who are deeply religious, but I'm not, so it won't work for me. My approach is more based on reason, logic, and psychology.

PS One thing I always got a kick out of from the gay community was how they can defend any sort of discrimination or offense from a Democrat, but if a Republican were to do the same, he or she is the most vilest person on the planet since Attila the Hun. That was mentioned briefly in the Connexion link, and something I'm fairly used to from the gay left.

Words of Encouragement from my Trainer

I wanted to make a record of this in case something happens to the text message because what he said to me means a lot. I am thankful for the support he's given me and how he always seems to know the right things to say to get me back on the right path.

Wow man - I just got back from church and got your message. That's very moving bro, thank you. Yet I hope you realize you inspire me to challenge myself as well. Thanks for being so open and honest with me as well as yourself. You are a great person and I believe you are meant to do many great things and overcome many great challenges in life. Keep your head up bro! Life is calling you and all you gotta do is listen and follow the voice of truth that's speaking to you. You're a great man, and I'm proud to call you my client and friend, it's always real and just stay motivated, focused and open and before you know it life is changed before you. Thanks again for your kind words bro. Ttyl

I sent him a snippet of the lyrics from the song Everyday by Rascal Flatts.

Reflections on This Weekend

So I thought I'd write a bit about what I did this weekend and some new goals. Saturday I went to the AA meeting with my trainer, and had a few questions pop in my mind. First one being, do I really have to use God (whatever I conceive "God" to be) as a support? Well as I said before, being a deist, it's tough for me to view god as a personally involved entity when I haven't viewed god in such a way for most of my life. According to some of the other participants, the purpose of reliance on god is to destroy the ego and pride within that says "I don't need anyone's help, I can do this on my own." Well, personally I never thought I could do this on my own, that's why I rely on the support of my close friends, my family, and all the information I can get my hands on, including other people's experiences with addictions and homosexuality.

But this idea of destroying the ego got me to thinking, how do you destroy your ego if you have no identity? I've spent most of my life having my identity externally defined by others that I never really developed a core identity of my own. I honestly don't know who I am, I only know myself by what others have defined me as, both positive and negative characteristics. So one goal (more on this later) is to develop my own internal identity, on my terms, ignoring what others think of me, especially if their definition of me is something negative.

Hearing the members of the AA discussion group talk about their epiphany moments when they realized that they needed to change made me wonder, what would be rock bottom for me, and do I have to go that far to effectively change my life for the better? Would it be getting HIV? Would it be becoming addicted to meth and rampant unprotected sex with numerous anonymous men? Would it be going back into the gay culture and doing the above in addition to whatever other addictions would go with it, and spending all my time among other homosexual addicts? I don't see myself going that route at this point, so I would hope that I don't need to hit "rock bottom" to have my epiphany moment. I still think my epiphany was July 12th, even though, like many addicts, I've relapsed several times since then. But after each relapse, my desire to jack off to pictures of dudes or even hook up with a dude decreases more and more. In the last 3 months, I’ve only acted on my homosexuality with another dude three times, a big improvement over my previous life of a different dude every weekend. I recognize the triggers now and I’ve learned gradually to set effective boundaries to ensure I don’t fall into the same self destructive patterns again. I admit it is tough, being as the homosexual addiction is all I’ve known for a decade. But if narcotic addicts and alcoholics can overcome their addictions, so can I through hard work and perseverance.

One thing one of the AA participants mentioned was meditation. Something I’ve not done because I tend to think too much. So I think I’m going to consider looking into how to meditate positively and work on reducing the negative thoughts in my mind that prevent me from growing as a person. One thing my trainer said to me was going to the AA meetings is positive in a somewhat negative way in that you look around and see people who have gone through a lot worse. But in a way, this is ultimately positive because if you see people worse off, you know better than to follow their path and end up the same.

Another thing one of the participants said was that the “ism” is a symptom of deeper issues. I know this to be true and it seems to be a common thread among those of us who go down the homosexual addiction path that we seek out in other males something we feel we are missing in ourselves. Whether it be some physical trait (the most common root cause) or some other aspect we feel we lack (masculinity for example). So we seek out in those other males temporary situations where we feel like complete men by getting sexually intimate with another male that possesses those qualities we seek. We’re not attracted to the person, we’re attracted to those traits we wish we had ourselves and we’re just using them to fill that void we perceive in ourselves. Thus, lack of self confidence and low self esteem sent many of us down this path of addiction, and ergo the surest way to overcome that root cause is to build your personal self worth to the point where you no longer need to seek out in other males what you feel you lack because you have it within yourself. In fact, this seems to be a common trait with addictions in general in that the purpose of the addiction is to cover up that void we feel within ourselves so that we can ignore it, if even for a small time.

The Evergreen group (an overcoming same gender attraction group comprised of Mormon men) was an interesting and largely positive experience. It was a very small group. One participant’s story in particular resonated with my experience and gives me a lot of hope for my own progress.

They suggested several resources to me including a pamphlet from the LDS called “God Loveth His Children”. Granted this document is heavily religious, and again, I’m not. But my world view is based on the idea of trying to avoid negativity. Religious people call that avoiding sin and temptation. Whether one believes in a god or not, avoiding negative situations and outcomes should be something we all strive for. Can some people be happy in their homosexual addiction? Sure, I suppose, just as some people can be happy being an alcoholic or drug addict. It certainly makes you feel good to be drunk or high, and for a time, you forget your worries and don’t care about anything but enjoying the moment, regardless of the potential consequences.

Again, I know that will piss some gay people off me comparing homosexuality to an addiction, but I’m sorry, they are analogous. The mentality is the same, or perhaps worse, because so many homosexual addicts have been brainwashed that they can’t change who they are. I’m not talking about the ones that don’t want to change and are “happy” being gay, I’m talking about the ones who recognize the negativity inherent in homosexuality and want to escape it, but feel they can’t because they see it as inherent to who they are. Granted some alcoholics feel the same way, that change isn’t possible and they just have to accept that they’re stuck with their addiction. But any addiction can be overcome, even a genetically predisposed one like alcoholism or homosexuality.

The Evergreen group opened with a quotation from C.S. Lewis on Temptation:

“A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.”

And that got me thinking about whether we should put ourselves into situations where we are faced with our temptations in order to fight against them and overcome them. Maybe it’s like working out at the gym. If you only curl a 5lbs dumbbell, your arm will never get bigger (well maybe if you curl it hundreds of times non-stop). We definitely must fight and not succumb to our temptations, but does this mean we avoid them, does this mean we should seek them out? Would putting ourselves in those situations risk too much and risk the chance that we will fall to our temptations, or would being in that situation and standing up to them give us greater strength and allow us to overcome future temptations as well? I think ultimately it depends on the individual. When we feel sufficiently grounded within our own identities, we know that we can easily stand up to any temptation that comes our way because we’re over it, it no longer has that same power and control over us that it once had. If we’re not to that point yet, then placing ourselves in that situation is probably not the best course of action until we reach that point where we are stronger individuals and more secure in our identities.

So with all that said, my first major goal is to develop that strong self identity, that internalized self worth and strong self confidence that will allow me to stand on my own feet as an individual defined by my own terms and able to overcome any challenges or obstacles that come my way. This may take months or years to achieve. I know that one aspect is the physical; physically I’m not where I want to be yet. I think back on the types of guys I’ve sought out and I want to be like them. Once I am like them, or have even surpassed them, the physical goal will have been achieved. Social is another aspect that needs work, and that’s an ongoing process. But I’ve already made a lot of progress there, and I don’t feel I’m the same person I was two years ago in that regard. Outside of that, I already have a lot of personal traits that comprise my individual identity that I have to be confident of, including my intelligence, my loyalty, my ambition, and my dedication to all my life goals.

All in all it’s been a very productive weekend and I look forward to moving beyond this addiction and developing new strategies to overcome challenges and develop my personal identity.

Looking Foward - A New Chapter

So I'm going to have a pretty interesting weekend. Today I'm meeting with the trainer at the pool and hopefully my book comes in today, and likely go to another AA meeting as well. But tomorrow I go to my first Evergreen meeting here in Denver. I'm not sure what to expect, but apparently there will be two LDS bishops there observing and getting a feel for the organization. And being I'm not LDS, nor do I buy into the "homosexuality is a sin" argument, I will probably be a bit out of place.

I don't believe in sin, I believe that certain actions we take are either positive or negative to ourselves, those around us, or our personal conception of "god", if we have one. Being mainly a deist, I don't believe in a highly involved "god" directly involved in our personal lives, etc. So the idea of sin is something that doesn't mesh well with my world view. For me, homosexuality is negative because of what it inherently is (and only someone who has experienced it from the inside can truly see it for what it is). It is a superficial, degrading, emasculating (in all senses of the word) and depressing form of socialization. It is based on the premise that sex is the only thing that matters in life and thus, have as much as you can with as many people as you can, provided they meet your superficial standards of "hotness" as defined by the gay media that expects all gay men to be over six foot, Abercrombie and Fitch model wannabes with perfect bodies and perpetually early 20s. If you look like that and are happy with yourself, and all your myriad partners are happy too, more power to ya. For those of us that want something more substantial or stable, we're shit out of luck.

So anyway, again, homosexuality is negative, it prohibits me from growing as a person, becoming a complete and positive person, and reaching my full potential. So I'm on this path to overcome that dark part of my life and try to rectify all the mistakes I've made so far. I'm very near to reducing my total gay friends to maybe one, and only talking to him because he gets me, understands why I'm trying to do this, and what I'm doing it for, and he's several hundred miles away in DC, so it doesn't really bother me that I can't hang out with him on a regular basis. What irks me are people in the same city/state who never want to hang out.

Well, I thought I'd close this entry with this video, it's from Rascal Flatts and it's called Stand.

Fantastic Weekend and Looking Forward

I came across this document online and I've skimmed it, but I plan to re-read it more in depth this week. It's called the Four Principles of Growth. Those four principles are:

1. Masculinity - Need to feel manly and relate to other men
2. Authenticity - Getting away from the false self, facing real feelings in open relationships
3. Need Fulfillment - Seeking out/maintaining positive relationships
4. Surrender - Letting go of negative situations and seeking positive ones

This weekend was all around positive for my personal growth in all these regards.

Saturday I got up early to finish off a quiz for accounting, then I went hiking with a good friend, enjoyed talking to him and getting outside for a bit. After that I met with my trainer to get some new running shoes, and spent some time with him before going to an AA meeting with him, then talking to him about an hour after we got back about the experience and what I had in mind after wards.

Sunday, I was up early again, did a little housework and then hit the gym, when I got back, my roommate was up and getting ready to go shooting in the mountains. He invited me along and I figured, why not? So we had a few assault rifles and smaller arms, I shot the .22 and the Glock because of my crappy shoulder, didn't want to deal with the kick on an AR. It was a lot of fun, since I hadn't shot since the military.

I also successfully avoided two potentially negative situations, I won't go into detail, but it basically would have resulted in relapse. The homosexuality is a sexual addiction, and I fully believe and accept that, and like any addiction, I have to be cognizant of the triggers, avoid those situations that would lead me back down the negative path, and seek out positive alternatives, like hanging out with friends, my trainer, and my roommate. I've been "sober" about a month now, and I plan to keep it that way.

I should be getting my book sometime this week too, so then I'll have something to work through and improve myself intrinsically. Little by little, one day at a time, I'll get over this, get beyond it, and be a complete and healthy person.

Homosexuality is an Addiction

I've been meditating on this idea for several months now, and I've decided to make that bold statement. This will piss some gays off, and that's fine, I don't really care at this point. Should I care what opinion a drug addict has of me? Should I be concerned that I'm offending someone with the same mentality? Whether they like to admit it or not, homosexuality isn't a "natural state", it's an addiction. All it takes is looking at what is held up as the gay ideal to realize this is truth.

Is the gay ideal someone with personal responsibility, a stable career and home life, mental stability, and who is more or less well adjusted compared to his social peers? Or is the gay norm more along the lines of someone who is an avid clubber, irresponsible and immature (no matter his age), sexually promiscuous (and unsafe), dabbles in regular drug use, jumps from relationship to relationship and job to job, and who has more than a fair share of mental issues.

Am I generalizing? Sure, but just take a look at the gay media in any standard gay rag in any major city. How many sexually oriented ads do you see, how many for hookup sites, how many for raves (well known for rampant drug use)? "Oh you find the same stuff in straight rags" Yes, towards the back usually, and only a few pages instead of throughout the entire rag. Point is, it's ingrained into the gay culture to demonstrate an addictive personality, additionally, it's reinforced through peer pressure. If I had a dollar for every time someone said I wasn't "gay enough" because I refused to go to a certain club, be into a certain sexually provocative singer, get drunk/stoned/do poppers and have unprotected sex, I'd be pretty rich.

Anyway, long story short, I realized why I couldn't find gay people supportive of me and my issues was because I was trying to get help from other addicts to overcome the same addiction we all have. A cocaine addict probably isn't going to get a lot of help from another cocaine addict to overcome his addiction. Ideally I would like to find someone who went through this and overcame their demons and now lives a happy and fulfilled life away from the homosexual addiction.

It's tough to find, I admit, because ex-gays are forced back into a new closet not because of their shame or self hatred, but because gays are too intolerant to accept that sometimes people aren't happy being gay and they want to get away from a negative lifestyle. Gays often accuse me of playing the victim card (how I don't know, I don't want anyone's pity, this is just my way of venting and hopefully helping others going through the same issues), or they accuse me of being self-hating because I hate them and all they stand for. Like I told a gay acquaintance of mine, it's not the idea that I'm a homo that makes me uncomfortable, it's the idea that the rest of you are. If more gay guys were like me, I wouldn't care as much, but no, they are as I've described above in addition to their strong unnatural shame of their own gender through their actions and mannerisms. If guys want to portray themselves as women, more power to them, but don't expect a guy that is attracted to guys to find a guy who wants to be a woman attractive. I'm not sure why that concept is so hard for a vast majority of gay men to understand or accept. I realized that the reason why I couldn't find a positive gay influence is because such a thing doesn't exist. My ideal of a positive gay man doesn't exist because individuality, personal responsibility, ambition, and moral strength aren't ideals held very high by the gay community.

So with my realization that homosexuality is an addiction, I've decided to seek help along those lines. I'm going to start attending AA meetings with my trainer, granted not the same sort of addiction, but all addictions share a certain level of commonalities. I also bought the book Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality, and I'll start reading that and working through it when I get it. Hopefully in a few years I'll be over this addiction and I can live a happier more drama-free live away from people who look down on me for not living up to their standards, have way too many issues of their own, and being all around negative influences on my life to this point.

Another goal accomplished!

At this pace, I might be dating a girl in about a month!

So went back out to one of the mix bars here in Denver and saw the same group of girls my friends and I were talking to again. My goal for the night was to get a girl's number, and I did. This cute short little Hispanic girl, very friendly and funny, and I danced with her several times. Heh, funny thing is, my friend spilled the beans about me trying to go from guys to girls, but she's totally cool with it. Kinda a dick move on his part, but oh well, didn't hurt I guess.

It's cool to have another group at the club to hang out with. My two friends, despite being fairly attractive dudes and pretty successful careers, have zero game. It's kinda lame how they just stand around drinking beer, bullshitting about getting the courage to talk to some girl. I kept trying to psych up our one friend to talk to some girl he was interested in all night, and he finally did, even got her number (assuming it wasn't a fake number). I told him earlier in the night, "right now you're at 100% failure if you don't go and talk to her, if you go talk to her, you got a 50/50 shot of getting shot down. So the choice is yours"

He told me how he went to talk to her, poor guy, he says he basically grabbed her and say "Hey, I saw you earlier and I wanted to say I'm interested in you." And she ran off real quick and said "I'll be right back." He thought he blew it, was kicking himself for an hour, but then she snuck up behind him and slipped a napkin in his pocket with her name and number on it. So I guess it kind of worked in the end, funny though that little dance was.

My other friend (my roommate's cousin) was first interested in this other girl, then she saw him talking kinda close to the girl he was interested in last week, and she got pissed off because she thought he was kissing her. That all blew up, and our friend ended up talking to her at the end of the night, getting her number for him, and told him to call her later. He was kinda bummed the rest of the night because he hates being accused of something he didn't do.

Anyway, all in all a fun night (for me anyway), an interesting learning experience, and I was happy I accomplished another of my goals!

Clubbing at the Country Bars on Friday!

So I went with my roommate's cousin and our friend to a couple of country bars here in town last night and had a kick ass time! I only set out to talk to a chick, and I actually talked to the hottest chick at the first bar and even danced with her a bit (line dancing, so maybe that doesn't really count :P) And then talked to a whole group of chicks at the second bar, even dancing with two of them. So yeah, all in all, a pretty damn productive night. Baby steps, but I'm going in the right direction.

I'm also happy my roommate's cousin got one of their numbers, since he's been kinda bummed lately since his last breakup. Talking to him on the way home last night, his past is a lot like mine apparently, in that we have too short relationships and we rush into things. So I'm trying to be more aloof now, which is kinda easy since I'm still getting used to the whole getting interested in ladies thing.

I had a lot of fun and I'm hoping we go out and do it again maybe next weekend.

I just hit up my first lady online!

So she's older, but not by much. I told her a little about myself, blah blah. She's fairly attractive, and my female roommate strongly encouraged me to hit her up :D

Her profile was kind of sparse, but hopefully she responds. There's two others I'm going to hit up too probably tomorrow when I get home from work. One's a Texas girl (I love my Texans!) and the other is a pretty active girl from the west side of town, so could be a good match too.

So I'm pretty psyched! Still trying to find other possible outlets too. I think the online route might be best for now until I get used to it.

Also, one of my trainer's clients gave me a big compliment the other day after we ran in the mountains. She's a slightly older lady, but in great shape (married though, so off limits). She told my trainer "I want muscles like that James guy!" My trainer said she should have told me directly, since it would have given me a good boost of confidence, but even hearing it after the fact was still cool!

So yeah, pretty much over the BS from earlier, just going to avoid assholes from now on. As soon as someone is negative in my life, they're gone/ignored/avoided.

Cutting Ties and a New Year

Yesterday was my birthday, and for such a happy birthday, I got burned again. I thought maybe I could find supportive gay peeps that could understand and/or empathize for what I'm going through, but no, it doesn't exist. It's funny for as much as they tell me that going straight isn't just like flipping a switch (I never expected it to be that easy) that learning to accept homosexuality isn't as easy as flipping a switch either. It's not as easy as "get over it" or "grow a pair". If it were that easy, I wouldn't have put up with the last decade. But I did because I erroneously believed that somewhere somehow there had to be some genuine gay people out there who could accept me for me, understand and accept my differences, and understand the pain and hurt I've been through and understand that someone can't just get over it in a finger snap.

So I've cut ties with everyone gay in my life except my closest gay friends, one in DC and one here in Denver. I don't want to talk to gay people anymore, I don't want to associate with them, I don't want to be friends with them, and I don't want to deal with any of their bullshit from this point further. I've let myself get hurt for a decade, it's time to quit that shit and stand on my own two feet away from a "community" so hurtful and negative that it does nothing but depress me to the point of suicide. I kinda hoped I could have someone on the gay side help me through my homophobia, but no, no one is willing to give me the time or effort to understand WHY I'm homophobic and help me to overcome it. They just pile on the hate and pain, making my homophobia stronger.

So if that's all I have to expect, why bother? It's time to cut all the negativity out of my life, and for the 90% of my life that's going pretty damn good, this is that 10% that's holding me back from being a complete person.

Some Articles I've Come Across

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To All the Unsupportive Peeps

OK, I gotta nip this in the bud before it gets too out of control:

If you are coming on here just to attack me, harass me, insult me, or otherwise show yourself to be an unsupportive, negative, and hateful asshole, I will no longer approve your comments. It's only feeding in to my own negativity and pushes me further away from thinking that gay peeps can be accepting and tolerant. In short, if you hate me, dislike me, oppose my goals or message, or are otherwise just so bitter and jaded that you like to make other people's lives hell, then move on, I won't approve your messages anymore and I will give you as much respect as you give me, ie none.

That said, if you ask me tough questions in a respectful way, with the intention of trying to understand better where I'm coming from, why I feel the way I do, and why I'm going through this path, by all means, feel free to post something along those lines. I am not opposed to getting asked tough questions or responding to any comments meant to make me think about my situation in the possible intention to get me to grow further as a person.

Like the old saying goes, when you wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty and the pig enjoys it. Or don't argue with idiots, they'll only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Just understand that if you can't be supportive or respectful, I don't want anything to do with you. Why should I waste my time explaining myself to people who have zero respect for me, don't even want to try to understand me, and would never accept me as I am no matter what? Why should I try to please people that will never be happy? It's not worth the effort to pour my heart out and explain where I'm coming from and only getting attacked for it. How is that supportive and understanding?

Case in point, my trainer's gay twin complained to me that his brother wasn't supportive of him being gay. The trainer admits that was wrong of him and he feels shitty about it because he does love his brother, but never said it the right way and never approached it the right way. He's grown as a person, which is why tonight he told me at church that he's proud of me, which meant a lot to me after all I've been through. He's proud I've opened my mind and heart and that I'm trying to improve as a person. And he's still accepting of me no matter what. I believe he would do the same for his brother now, and that was partially my intention, because it kinda hurts to see two brothers not get along, so I hope one day they can overcome this difference and be good brothers to each other again. But the ironic part is that the gay twin, who complained about the straight one not being supportive, is being completely unsupportive of me and attacking me. So rather than be the bigger man and show that he can be more supportive than his brother, he's taking his issues out on me and treating me like shit in the way he feels his brother did to him. What does that accomplish? Not a damn thing.

That said, I would be supportive to anyone who came to me, no matter the issue. That's just who I am. Unfortunately, I expect (via the Golden Rule) that others would be the same, and sadly it's just not true. But I won't take the blame for other people being assholes. I won't blame myself because of their hang ups or issues. Why should I? Why is it my fault that they have a problem with me. If they have a problem, it's their problem, not mine. If they can't take the time to read about me, understand me, and see where I'm coming from, and would rather draw a caricature of me based on some negative stereotype, then that's on them not me.

It's like my friend told me tonight:

You are a wonderful, amazing, intelligent, sexy guy. And you don't need anyone else to validate you. If finding a good guy were easy, then everyone would be happily married. There's so much shit out there and it's frustrating I know, but YOU can't let it effect who YOU ARE inside if you do, then you let them make you jaded. Live YOUR LIFE FOR YOU.

And he's absolutely right. I'm doing this for me. You can either support me and be understanding of what I've been through and what I'm going through, or you can move the fuck on and leave me the fuck alone. I'm not going to waste my time or emotion anymore on people who will NEVER be happy with who I am no matter what and who will always look down on me and treat me like shit because their lives are so miserable they have to share their misery with others. How do I know they're miserable? Because happy people don't care about making other people's lives hell. Happy people ignore what they don't like or can't change. Happy people share support when possible. I admit I'm not happy right now, but I'm not going to attack those that attack me. Like I said on a comment response earlier, they're doing a fine job attacking themselves and showing the world just how hateful and unsupportive they can be that I don't have to really point it out.

A final quote from that Zen and the Art of Happiness book:

Even if it's painful and lonely, associate with worthy companions

If you can't be supportive and understanding, I don't want you in my life. If your only goal is to somehow harass me and attack me into being gay (I don't understand that, but that seems to be the goal for some of them) then I don't want you in my life. If you can't take the time to get to know me before you try to tear me down, then I don't want anything to do with you.

Look, I know we've all been through pain, but not everyone deals with it the same. If you respond well to being attacked and harassed to get over your pain, more power to ya, that's not what I respond to. The more you attack or harass me, the more I'm going to despise you in return and completely ignore your viewpoint. BUT, if you present your viewpoint respectfully, coming from taking the time to understand my pain, and with the goal of trying to get me to consider something I hadn't thought of before, I will respect that a hell of a lot more than a personal attack or harassment.

That's all I'm going to say on that issue, I've wasted enough time on these people. It's not healthy and just further confirms that I'm making the right choice trying to move on from a community populated by such people.

Man I've been one busy mofo!

OK, so I over worked out this weekend, so I ended up just taking Tuesday evening off from everything and napped out early. Yesterday had another session with my trainer. We're in the "strength" phase now, so that's kicking my butt, but I LOVE it! I have a new lifting partner, a pretty cool kid, lives not too far from me and we'll probably hit 24hr fairly regular I imagine when I'm not lifting with my trainer. He's kinda where I used to be, pretty toned/lean, but not a lot of muscle, so I'm going to help him out as much as I can, push him as much as possible, and help him reach his goals. It kinda feels good to help someone else out!

Outside of that, just taking life as it comes. I need to get ready for school soon. About to start up my MBA with CSU, first class is accounting, which I'm pretty average at. I get the concepts and flow pretty well, but this class also includes managerial accounting, so something I'm not overly familiar with. But I'm sure I'll do well, I usually do (not to toot my own horn or anything, heh).

I can't believe that summer is already almost over and my birthday is almost here again. I'm going out with the guys this weekend to our old haunt in Littleton, should be a lot of fun. My roommate's cousin will be there, who I get along with pretty well. Then Sunday church with my trainer again, I don't know what the topic will be this week, but last week's topic was marriage, which had a lot of good info, even for single people I think.

Overall, feeling pretty peachy, if not a lot sore from the workouts, but they hurt so good! Now if only it would quit raining every afternoon, I could go chill on the back patio and soak up some rays before the summer is over or go for a bike ride or something.

Had some time to kill

I got a session with my trainer tonight at seven, so thought if post something real quick.

I upgraded my 24hr membership so now I can use the big one in south Aurora. I'll probably use it a lot until I get a good group of friends rebuilt up. It feels like I'm kinda left out from hanging out with my new roommates. One just plays on his comp when he's off, the other just watches movies.

I liked hanging out with them and I was kinda hoping wed hang out more now that were living together. Not like every night, but like maybe a bit on the weekend or sometimes during the week.

So anyway, when I'm bored I go hit the gym, so until I get a new crew together, I'll be there most nights/weekends. Maybe that won't be all bad, it's still self improvement, and apparently women are as superficial as dudes, so may as well look as hot as I can get, as shallow as that sounds.

Aside from that, at least I have church with my trainer on the weekend as a social outlet. I'm debating finding some other orgs to join near me.

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Broken Bones

When I was at the gym today, the song "Broken Bones" from Rev Theory came on my random player (lastfm, great app if you have a smart phone).



Anyway, the song hit me pretty hard and I'm not sure quite why. The lyrics talk about hiding a part of you, fighting against something you can't win, holding on too tight (maybe to the past) and running away from the world outside. It goes on to talk about needing someone else to help mend my broken bones. Anyway, it's a pretty depressing song, for sure, but again, the lyrics hit me pretty hard.

I'm still confused and I know it. I'm tired of being alone, but I don't know what direction to go. Is that someone I need another person (if so is it supposed to be a dude or a chick? Does it ultimately matter what their gender so long as they mean something to my life?), something inside of me, maybe something like God? The gay path made me feel so alone and alienated. I know plenty of people want me to blame myself for that alienation, and I'll admit in the last year, I've moved on from all of it. But before then, I went to the clubs, went to the events, was a part of a few organizations, I was on the gay websites trying to find people to connect with... And it never happened. I won't blame myself for other people's issues, insecurities, or superficiality any longer.

So after ten years of trying to fit into that mold, I don't think it's worth the effort any longer... And yet, part of me feels like that's all I've got, and that depresses me. My best hope in life is to be a part of a culture a community that doesn't want me, doesn't respect me, and oftentimes doesn't even respect itself? That's depressing to think about, it's like being locked away in a prison where all the other inmates hate you, attack you, and having no allies to back you up. That's how I felt for a decade. I know people think that's whining or complaining, but I'm sorry, I tried. I just wasn't "good enough" to be accepted no matter who I was or what I did. I can't change my appearance, I can't make myself taller, I can't go against my core values, I can't change my personality. I can't become whatever person the gay community wanted me to be to accept me as an equal. Lord knows I tried, but ultimately, I didn't fit in, and it's odd that the people who most hated me want me to be gay along with them, as though they feed on misery of others, are miserable themselves, and want everyone else to be miserable with them.

I lived that life for a decade, it didn't bring me happiness, didn't bring me fulfillment, and didn't bring me "love". I refuse to go back to it, to "give it another try" because I know I'll fall right back into the same patterns, devaluing myself, disrespecting myself, and trying to please people who are never satisfied and always looking for "something better".

I just want to be able to be myself, find out what I am, make my own path in life, and if people can't accept that or respect that, I don't need them in my life. It's true I hate being alone, my one fear in life is an uncertain future, but I have to believe that hopefully in the end it will turn out the way it's supposed to be and I'll either find that one person who "completes" me on a personal level, or else find a way to be satisfied being single, but trying to do my part to improve other people's lives as well as my own.

I read a book called "Zen and the Art of Happiness" a few years back, and I wrote down some good quotes out of it. It's tough to live by them and apply them, but I try to do the best I can:

- The Universe does not make mistakes
- A situation only becomes favorable when one adapts to it
- Everything that happens to me is the best possible thing that can happen to me
- The Universe always strikes at your weakest point because that's what most needs strengthening

It's tough to simply let go and let life happen, but that's what I need to learn to do. Again, I have to believe that whatever happens to me is all for the best. My life has been rough so far, but for some reason, I'm still here. I'll try to make the best of it... In the end, that's all I can do.

Finally Moved in to my New Pad & Origin of Love

Normally I would have posted something daily, but been pretty busy every day with the move. One thing I did want to bring up briefly was the the Symposium by Plato... Yeah, I know, sounds heavy, it's really not.

In the Symposium, Plato's friend, the poet/playwright Aristophanes, discusses a metaphor of the three sexes that were originally on Earth at the creation. There are the all male, all female, and the "androgynos" (half male & half female). This later group sought to climb Mt. Olympus (the home of the Gods), which angered Zeus, who instead of killing them outright decided to punish them for their hubris by cutting them in half and stitching them up as either male or female. Aristophanes further relates that since that time, these individuals have traveled through life looking for their other half.

This might sound familiar to those of you who have seen the movie "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" (a pretty good movie, I highly recommend). Here's the scene I'm talking about:



So what's the significance and why I've been thinking of this? Well, we constantly talk about soul mates and all that. I kind of wonder if love MUST be sexual to be real. I've had plenty of sexual experiences, but never love, at least not what could properly be defined as love. On the other hand, I have people important to me in my life that I love very much who I need no sexual connection with to know I love them or that they love me.

I'm not saying there is anything necessarily wrong with sex, especially if it's healthy, safe, committed, and done for the right reasons. I'm just thinking why should I get hung up on sex or the various labels that come with what makes me "aroused" if love can be something non-sexual. Or to put it another way, my life experience has taught me that who I had sex with weren't people I loved. I might have thought I did, but I was lying to myself and them. That's not to say I didn't care about them, but honestly looking back on all the people I've ever said "I love you" to in a sexual relationship, I don't think I ever really did love them, and I don't think they truly loved me. I'm not whining or complaining, just stating facts.

So our life goal, or at least one of them, is to find that person we can truly love, supposedly. Well, maybe I can't love just one person, and maybe my view of love won't have anything to do with a sexual connection. Again, if my sexual relationships didn't result in love, logically, then love and sex are not only two different things for me, but also that for me love must come without sex. I'm not sure if I'll always feel that way, or if I'll even feel that way in six months.

As my trainer suggests, just keep your heart and mind open to possibilities. Take it easy and let life do what it does, and be willing to accept what comes your way, sort of thing.

Church and Talking with my Trainer Afterward

So my opinion of the church service I went to is more or less ambivalent. The main highlights that I got from the church are that sex is good, you should have boundaries, and that it's ideal to have sex within a marriage. I agree for the most part with the premise, after all, no matter one's sexuality, without boundaries, sex becomes something self-destructive, as I've experienced in my life, and as many folks I've known, gay, straight or otherwise, have experienced.

It comes back to the "everything in moderation" concept, and as soon as one realizes that their sexual experiences are not healthy for them physically, mentally, or even spiritually, the sooner they can work to change their root problems and become a better person. This doesn't mean that the gay dude who's been sleeping around a lot has to become straight anymore than the straight "player" has to become gay. Everyone has different reasons for why they are hurting inside, in the end we're all seeking to fill some void in our hearts that was made empty by some traumatic event or series of events in our pasts. When we address that pain and anger from the past, we can become whole people and no longer have to rely on self destructive behavior to fill that void. For myself it was the lack of self confidence and comparing myself to others, for someone else, it could be entirely different.

Talking to my trainer afterward, I told him how I want to keep this blog accessible to everyone, no matter their views on faith. I don't want to make folks who are largely opposed to religion (especially Christianity) to feel like I'm somehow urging them to go that route to overcome their pain. He understands my concerns and where I'm coming from. His view on filling that void/becoming a whole person is that without God in your life, you are never truly whole, and that you can't overcome the pain in your past without God's help. Personally, I'm still iffy on that only because I want this to be something I accomplish intrinsically/internally, as I feel to do otherwise wouldn't make the change permanent. That's not to say I can do it all on my own, I know I can't, that's why I rely on my trainer, my close friends, and my family for support as well. I just don't know that I'm ready to go that "God" step yet, though I may be more open to it down the road.

In the end, my trainer said that right now I'm on the right path, my mind and my heart are open to possibilities and experiences. He said that he didn't find his wife until he decided to just relax and let life come to him and to stop trying to find someone. So he says it's just a matter or patience and openness that will lead me where I need to go in life. So I'm going to try to just relax, let life happen a little more, and see what comes of it.

Why I call my blog "Not Afraid"

I thought it might be good to re-assert why I changed the name of my blog to Not Afraid. It's a reference to the Eminem song by the same name



A couple of the lyrics that stood out to me the most are these:

Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

Life is a journey, there's a reason we experience what we do and each new experience brings us to where we should be. I'm a strong believer in fate, I believe that we have the ability to change our paths, but I also believe that everything happens for a reason too. Some people feel they're in the same boat, and while I don't condone forcing anyone to change who they are if they are happy, for those that aren't happy, I want to show them a different path.

When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony

To everyone who says I can't do something, I'm going to prove them wrong, and all those who have looked down on me for years, I'm going to show them just how wrong they were about me all those years. I don't care what opinions people have of me or my goals, I'm doing this for me and me alone - to be a better person and move forward, leaving my pain and anger behind.

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

I'm here for anyone who needs support. Whether you're straight with a gay friend or family member they are trying to understand, a gay dude that firmly believes he's gay but feel you don't fit in, or someone who feels like being gay hasn't been in their personal best interests and they are looking for a new path. I'm here for everyone and anyone, no restrictions, no judgments, no requirements. Come as you are, even those who oppose my views and believe I'm completely wrong, I'm still here for them if they need it too.

You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped

To the "gay scions" who feel that they have the right to dictate other people's lives, viewing themselves as kings among the gay community, they are a small, insignificant, and largely petty group of negative individuals who's only pleasure in life is destroying the happiness of others. I have no sympathy any longer for those who have no sympathy for others. Despite that, if they were to come to me asking for a compassionate ear, I would be there for them. But until they see that their anger and negativity is destructive, I can do nothing for them, and any feelings I would have for them are irrelevant as they are unwilling to see someone like me as anything but a threat to their narrow world view and sexuality.

But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I'm still working through my past, coming to terms with who I am and who I want to be. No one can dictate who I should be but me. I thought the path I was on was the only possible path I could take, and I'm finding now that I have alternatives. I'm still haunted by my past homophobia, the hatred and anger I felt unfairly towards an entire community for refusing to accept me as I was (when it was only a small segment that made me feel unwelcome). But I'm coming to terms with all the negativity from my past, trying to be a stronger person mentally, physically, and spiritually. I can sit and complain about being a single gay man, not finding someone I connect with, feeling like I'll be 50 and single because of the same patterns repeating again and again - OR - I can find the root cause of that cycle, address it, overcome it, and work towards a more positive future.

For some, homosexuality can be a positive experience. As I've said before, I'm not telling every gay person that they HAVE to change, that would be wrong and presumptuous of me to think I can dictate their lives. BUT, for those that feel they're in the same boat, questioning if they are on the right path, seeking some sort of happiness and getting caught in the same cycle again and again, those are the people I'm here for the most.

Gay =/= Happy (For Some)

So I decided to post this real quick after I got more "supportive" comments from the "Out and Proud" gay man who loves to harass anyone he feels is somehow undermining what he thinks gay men should be. While I HAVE been homophobic in the past and have attacked gay men for what I perceive as shortcomings and stereotypical behavior (I now accept it as just being gay), and I've come a long way dealing with those feelings of hate and anger for what I thought I was.

He, despite his cries to the contrary, is not a happy man. He's not happy because if he were, he would have no need to attack others, to use their past against them when they've made strides, and he would accept the progress that someone has made to the positive. A happily secure gay man (or any man) wouldn't have the need to lash out at those who are doing him no harm, hating others what he hates in himself, being petty by using the past against them without presenting his present frame of mind, being so obsessed with someone as to post a blog entry (I'll link to his blog, since he was too insecure to link to mine since he knows it would prove his position incorrect), calling them out by name, and saying such things in his comments to me as:

2. the reality is that you have spent years being intolerant to "effeminate" gay men, stereotypical gay men, and flamboyant guys.

why? because you're a wimp who hates yourself.

you complain and bitch because you're a fucking wimp and the only people who support you are guys just like you who also hate themselves.

you're going to be a victim all your life.
(Little Kiwi) 1:53 PM

3. BWAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
(Little Kiwi) 1:51 PM

4. you're a complete fucking coward.
(Little Kiwi) 1:43 PM

5. you're a hypocrite. you complain that "gay scions" dictated your life. you're a liar.
you spread anti-gay bigotry. you spread hatred toward effeminate guys, flamboyant guys, stereotypical guys. you still do.

we simply called you out on the harm YOU are inflicting.

you're a coward. you'll live as a coward, you'll die as a coward.
buh bye , wimp :D
(Little Kiwi) 1:41 PM

6. great to finally be rid of you!

by the way, there's this video on youtube with all sorts of pictures of YOU talking in voiceover about how much you love sucking black cock, and you tooootally have a lisp in it, and sound like a little girl
. have you seen it?
it's pretty funny.
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10

7. you're a bigot with no balls! wassup girly-girl!?

how's the pussy tasting these days?

:D
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10

Truly happy people have no need to be so vindictive, hateful, and angry at someone trying to improve their life. I'm sorry that he's so insecure with his own sexuality that he can't overcome his hostility to the world that won't conform to his demands. I'm sorry that he's so insecure about his own sexuality that he views someone like me as a threat (and he does, otherwise, he wouldn't care so much about what I choose to do with my own life, obviously I am undermining his world view by my choices and mere existence). It can be frustrating, I imagine, to believe you control the world and believe the world to conform to your single narrow viewpoint and find out that you in fact have no control even over yourself and that perhaps what you thought was true is in fact not the case.

So if I were a religious dude, I'd pray for this guy. Since I'm not, I just hope that he can one day overcome whatever hatred and anger he has inside and let it go, move on, and become a better person. Despite his years of personal attacks, and what will probably be years more of personal attacks when I prove him wrong again and again, I still love him and hope for the best for him in his life. He deserves the same happiness in life that I've found. He may find it in a different way on a different path, but so long as in the end he's happy, that's the most important thing.

Those statements above that he sent me are not from a happy person, and that's unfortunate, because he claims to be a gay activist fighting for equality - and he does have passion for his cause - but with this sort of attitude, he will turn away more people and piss off more potential allies only making things worse for his cause. It goes back to the "you can get more flies with honey" idea. The greater society would more readily accept a gay man who presents himself in a moderate way, saying "Hey, I'm just like you, work 9-5, have the same problems with bills, etc. So I should have equal rights" versus "I'm gay dammit! GAAAAAAYYYY!!! Listen to me and do EXACTLY as I demand! And if you don't give me equality now, I'm going to attack you over and over again everywhere you go!!!"

Unfortunately, this gay man who sent me the comments presents himself in the latter way, which of course, creates a vicious cycle leading him further into hatred and anger as he faces strong opposition in return. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Perhaps gay activists, such as himself, should re-evaluate their approach and say "Hmm, being in your face and militant doesn't seem to have worked... Maybe we should try a different approach?" However, I know my history, and I know they won't change. The moderates will win incremental victories, and the radicals will claim those victories as their own. This is how it's always been throughout history with any sort of civil rights movement.

I'll give a brief example from my own life back when I was an "Out and Proud" gay man. After speaking with a Republican presidential candidate one on one about what it was like to be a gay man in the U.S. Military, I was able to successfully change his views on gays in the military. While he is not a major influence in his party, this was a small incremental step in the right direction, and probably one that will be unappreciated by the most radical gay activists. I have also met with students from Liberty University, interns of major right leaning think tanks (Heritage Foundation and AEI to name a few), and others traditionally thought to oppose homosexuality and found them remarkably open-minded and accepting when you approach them as equals in a moderate way.

In any event, I'm not going to waste any more time on this matter or his issues. He's not happy and he's not secure in his sexuality, or else he would have no need to attack me or view me as a threat. I can't help him since he doesn't want to help himself. He has to be the catalyst for his own change. I'm not saying he has to follow my path (everyone should choose their own path) but that he should work through his anger and negativity and work to be a more positive person, leaving his past behind and working towards his future. That's all I hope for for everyone I come in contact with. That's really all I can do for those who are resistant to changing their negativity.

Dad's Birthday Dinner and Figuring out Where I'm Going to Meet Women

So I "came out" to my dad and step-mom again, they took it as well as they did last time I did, so no worries there. They seem more the type to accept whatever choices I make in my life, because at this point in my life, they know I'm smart enough and self-reliant enough to make the right choices in a given situation. I didn't expect them to make a big deal out of it, and I also explained to them that I want to carry on the family name since my brother only makes girls, my uncle is gay, and then there was me.

Outside of that, on the drive home I was thinking, where should I go to meet women? I'm debating if I want to try posting some kind of online ad. Maybe even one of those sites like eHarmony. I tried Match.com before, but for dudes, and that was about worthless, I don't expect it to be much better for women. I want it to be something free or cheap just to get the experience, so I'm thinking I might try plentyoffish.com or something like that. I'm DEFINITELY not going to try Craigslist, I can't say I've ever had a positive experience off of there whatsoever, so I doubt the situation would be any better with women.

I've debated maybe starting up a facebook profile again, but I remember how pointless that was last time, might be about the same this time, plus I'd have to make two, one in my real name (my "public" profile) and one in a pseudonym for my close friends and family (just so potential future employers don't find pics of me drunk or questionable groups I belong to, etc.) So all in all, seems too much of a hassle, because people would probably find me by my real name, then depending on who they are, I'd have to tell them the fake name to add me as a friend, blah blah. Sucks you have to do that nowadays, but thems the breaks.

On a positive note, I'm really looking forward to hitting my trainer's church tomorrow with his wife and one of the dudes I lift with at the gym. The dude from the gym doesn't know about me, I'm debating if I want to tell him about what I'm going through, if that would make the situation easier, if he'd accept it, etc. I want to be his friend, seems like a good guy with a good head on his shoulders, but not sure how he'd take a bombshell like that. If we do become friends, I will tell him then for sure, because I don't like hiding stuff like this from people for very long.

Anyway, the topic of tomorrow's service, ironically enough, is human sexuality. I'm going to go in open-minded, I'm certain there'll be parts I agree with and parts I oppose, but all in all I hope it's a positive learning experience and I'm hoping for the best. I know my trainer is supportive, so I know he won't steer me wrong, so I trust him a lot on this stuff. I'll write my reflections afterward either tomorrow night or Monday morning.

Defining Myself - Establishing a Foundation

So I figure more importantly than figuring out what I want out of life is to figure out who I am now and where I want to be. Once I've established that foundation, I can move on to building on that and moving forward in my life.

So here's what I am NOT:

I am not some sort of ultra-Christian, I did not grow up in a conservative/religious family, my father is a very strong and positive figure in my life, and in fact, my family has many openly gay members in it and is supportive to those folks. Despite that sort of background, I ultimately feel that homosexuality is not the right choice for me. That said, I am not the sort to say that being gay is wrong, immoral, unnatural, etc. etc. I know it's wrong for me, but other people can be totally happy being homosexual, and hey, more power to them! If they have found happiness with that path of life, I applaud them. For me, I know it was a lie, not only to myself, but to those I was involved with and those I associated with.

Here's what I am:

I am human, I am imperfect, I have made lots of mistakes in my life, and hurt many people both through my words and actions, on purpose and inadvertently. I have held a lot of hate in my heart for myself and what I thought I was and others around me, most of whom didn't deserve it (and a few who in fact did). But even if they deserved it, it's better to just ignore them, hold my head high, and realize that those who attack others (including myself) are just hurting inside themselves and haven't come to terms with their personal issues. I'm working through that hate and anger now, I've addressed a lot of it directed toward myself and I am more comfortable with who I am now, and slowly I'm coming to accept others as well whom I previously avoided.

What I want to be:

I want to be a complete person, on my own, without the need of others to complete me. I'm almost there now, it will only take a little more work to accomplish this goal mentally, and then I'll work on it socially too. I want to be a positive example to others, no matter their orientation. I want to be someone others can look up to, come to for help, and who people rely on when they feel they have no where else to turn. I want to be that refuge in a storm for those who feel like they are tossed about by the currents of life. I see my trainer as a positive example in his way. He's open minded, supportive, encouraging, and overall a good guy. I see my buddy Garret as a role model, he's friendly to everyone, non-judgmental, funny, and laid back, letting life happen and taking it as it comes. I want to be more like these guys, and I feel like I'm getting there little by little. There's just a little more darkness in my heart to get rid of, but not too much more really.

Confidence, positivity, openness, friendly, laid back... These are my goals for self-development.