But this idea of destroying the ego got me to thinking, how do you destroy your ego if you have no identity? I've spent most of my life having my identity externally defined by others that I never really developed a core identity of my own. I honestly don't know who I am, I only know myself by what others have defined me as, both positive and negative characteristics. So one goal (more on this later) is to develop my own internal identity, on my terms, ignoring what others think of me, especially if their definition of me is something negative.
Hearing the members of the AA discussion group talk about their epiphany moments when they realized that they needed to change made me wonder, what would be rock bottom for me, and do I have to go that far to effectively change my life for the better? Would it be getting HIV? Would it be becoming addicted to meth and rampant unprotected sex with numerous anonymous men? Would it be going back into the gay culture and doing the above in addition to whatever other addictions would go with it, and spending all my time among other homosexual addicts? I don't see myself going that route at this point, so I would hope that I don't need to hit "rock bottom" to have my epiphany moment. I still think my epiphany was July 12th, even though, like many addicts, I've relapsed several times since then. But after each relapse, my desire to jack off to pictures of dudes or even hook up with a dude decreases more and more. In the last 3 months, I’ve only acted on my homosexuality with another dude three times, a big improvement over my previous life of a different dude every weekend. I recognize the triggers now and I’ve learned gradually to set effective boundaries to ensure I don’t fall into the same self destructive patterns again. I admit it is tough, being as the homosexual addiction is all I’ve known for a decade. But if narcotic addicts and alcoholics can overcome their addictions, so can I through hard work and perseverance.
One thing one of the AA participants mentioned was meditation. Something I’ve not done because I tend to think too much. So I think I’m going to consider looking into how to meditate positively and work on reducing the negative thoughts in my mind that prevent me from growing as a person. One thing my trainer said to me was going to the AA meetings is positive in a somewhat negative way in that you look around and see people who have gone through a lot worse. But in a way, this is ultimately positive because if you see people worse off, you know better than to follow their path and end up the same.
Another thing one of the participants said was that the “ism” is a symptom of deeper issues. I know this to be true and it seems to be a common thread among those of us who go down the homosexual addiction path that we seek out in other males something we feel we are missing in ourselves. Whether it be some physical trait (the most common root cause) or some other aspect we feel we lack (masculinity for example). So we seek out in those other males temporary situations where we feel like complete men by getting sexually intimate with another male that possesses those qualities we seek. We’re not attracted to the person, we’re attracted to those traits we wish we had ourselves and we’re just using them to fill that void we perceive in ourselves. Thus, lack of self confidence and low self esteem sent many of us down this path of addiction, and ergo the surest way to overcome that root cause is to build your personal self worth to the point where you no longer need to seek out in other males what you feel you lack because you have it within yourself. In fact, this seems to be a common trait with addictions in general in that the purpose of the addiction is to cover up that void we feel within ourselves so that we can ignore it, if even for a small time.
The Evergreen group (an overcoming same gender attraction group comprised of Mormon men) was an interesting and largely positive experience. It was a very small group. One participant’s story in particular resonated with my experience and gives me a lot of hope for my own progress.
They suggested several resources to me including a pamphlet from the LDS called “God Loveth His Children”. Granted this document is heavily religious, and again, I’m not. But my world view is based on the idea of trying to avoid negativity. Religious people call that avoiding sin and temptation. Whether one believes in a god or not, avoiding negative situations and outcomes should be something we all strive for. Can some people be happy in their homosexual addiction? Sure, I suppose, just as some people can be happy being an alcoholic or drug addict. It certainly makes you feel good to be drunk or high, and for a time, you forget your worries and don’t care about anything but enjoying the moment, regardless of the potential consequences.
Again, I know that will piss some gay people off me comparing homosexuality to an addiction, but I’m sorry, they are analogous. The mentality is the same, or perhaps worse, because so many homosexual addicts have been brainwashed that they can’t change who they are. I’m not talking about the ones that don’t want to change and are “happy” being gay, I’m talking about the ones who recognize the negativity inherent in homosexuality and want to escape it, but feel they can’t because they see it as inherent to who they are. Granted some alcoholics feel the same way, that change isn’t possible and they just have to accept that they’re stuck with their addiction. But any addiction can be overcome, even a genetically predisposed one like alcoholism or homosexuality.
The Evergreen group opened with a quotation from C.S. Lewis on Temptation:
“A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.”
And that got me thinking about whether we should put ourselves into situations where we are faced with our temptations in order to fight against them and overcome them. Maybe it’s like working out at the gym. If you only curl a 5lbs dumbbell, your arm will never get bigger (well maybe if you curl it hundreds of times non-stop). We definitely must fight and not succumb to our temptations, but does this mean we avoid them, does this mean we should seek them out? Would putting ourselves in those situations risk too much and risk the chance that we will fall to our temptations, or would being in that situation and standing up to them give us greater strength and allow us to overcome future temptations as well? I think ultimately it depends on the individual. When we feel sufficiently grounded within our own identities, we know that we can easily stand up to any temptation that comes our way because we’re over it, it no longer has that same power and control over us that it once had. If we’re not to that point yet, then placing ourselves in that situation is probably not the best course of action until we reach that point where we are stronger individuals and more secure in our identities.
So with all that said, my first major goal is to develop that strong self identity, that internalized self worth and strong self confidence that will allow me to stand on my own feet as an individual defined by my own terms and able to overcome any challenges or obstacles that come my way. This may take months or years to achieve. I know that one aspect is the physical; physically I’m not where I want to be yet. I think back on the types of guys I’ve sought out and I want to be like them. Once I am like them, or have even surpassed them, the physical goal will have been achieved. Social is another aspect that needs work, and that’s an ongoing process. But I’ve already made a lot of progress there, and I don’t feel I’m the same person I was two years ago in that regard. Outside of that, I already have a lot of personal traits that comprise my individual identity that I have to be confident of, including my intelligence, my loyalty, my ambition, and my dedication to all my life goals.
All in all it’s been a very productive weekend and I look forward to moving beyond this addiction and developing new strategies to overcome challenges and develop my personal identity.
