Broken Bones

When I was at the gym today, the song "Broken Bones" from Rev Theory came on my random player (lastfm, great app if you have a smart phone).



Anyway, the song hit me pretty hard and I'm not sure quite why. The lyrics talk about hiding a part of you, fighting against something you can't win, holding on too tight (maybe to the past) and running away from the world outside. It goes on to talk about needing someone else to help mend my broken bones. Anyway, it's a pretty depressing song, for sure, but again, the lyrics hit me pretty hard.

I'm still confused and I know it. I'm tired of being alone, but I don't know what direction to go. Is that someone I need another person (if so is it supposed to be a dude or a chick? Does it ultimately matter what their gender so long as they mean something to my life?), something inside of me, maybe something like God? The gay path made me feel so alone and alienated. I know plenty of people want me to blame myself for that alienation, and I'll admit in the last year, I've moved on from all of it. But before then, I went to the clubs, went to the events, was a part of a few organizations, I was on the gay websites trying to find people to connect with... And it never happened. I won't blame myself for other people's issues, insecurities, or superficiality any longer.

So after ten years of trying to fit into that mold, I don't think it's worth the effort any longer... And yet, part of me feels like that's all I've got, and that depresses me. My best hope in life is to be a part of a culture a community that doesn't want me, doesn't respect me, and oftentimes doesn't even respect itself? That's depressing to think about, it's like being locked away in a prison where all the other inmates hate you, attack you, and having no allies to back you up. That's how I felt for a decade. I know people think that's whining or complaining, but I'm sorry, I tried. I just wasn't "good enough" to be accepted no matter who I was or what I did. I can't change my appearance, I can't make myself taller, I can't go against my core values, I can't change my personality. I can't become whatever person the gay community wanted me to be to accept me as an equal. Lord knows I tried, but ultimately, I didn't fit in, and it's odd that the people who most hated me want me to be gay along with them, as though they feed on misery of others, are miserable themselves, and want everyone else to be miserable with them.

I lived that life for a decade, it didn't bring me happiness, didn't bring me fulfillment, and didn't bring me "love". I refuse to go back to it, to "give it another try" because I know I'll fall right back into the same patterns, devaluing myself, disrespecting myself, and trying to please people who are never satisfied and always looking for "something better".

I just want to be able to be myself, find out what I am, make my own path in life, and if people can't accept that or respect that, I don't need them in my life. It's true I hate being alone, my one fear in life is an uncertain future, but I have to believe that hopefully in the end it will turn out the way it's supposed to be and I'll either find that one person who "completes" me on a personal level, or else find a way to be satisfied being single, but trying to do my part to improve other people's lives as well as my own.

I read a book called "Zen and the Art of Happiness" a few years back, and I wrote down some good quotes out of it. It's tough to live by them and apply them, but I try to do the best I can:

- The Universe does not make mistakes
- A situation only becomes favorable when one adapts to it
- Everything that happens to me is the best possible thing that can happen to me
- The Universe always strikes at your weakest point because that's what most needs strengthening

It's tough to simply let go and let life happen, but that's what I need to learn to do. Again, I have to believe that whatever happens to me is all for the best. My life has been rough so far, but for some reason, I'm still here. I'll try to make the best of it... In the end, that's all I can do.

Finally Moved in to my New Pad & Origin of Love

Normally I would have posted something daily, but been pretty busy every day with the move. One thing I did want to bring up briefly was the the Symposium by Plato... Yeah, I know, sounds heavy, it's really not.

In the Symposium, Plato's friend, the poet/playwright Aristophanes, discusses a metaphor of the three sexes that were originally on Earth at the creation. There are the all male, all female, and the "androgynos" (half male & half female). This later group sought to climb Mt. Olympus (the home of the Gods), which angered Zeus, who instead of killing them outright decided to punish them for their hubris by cutting them in half and stitching them up as either male or female. Aristophanes further relates that since that time, these individuals have traveled through life looking for their other half.

This might sound familiar to those of you who have seen the movie "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" (a pretty good movie, I highly recommend). Here's the scene I'm talking about:



So what's the significance and why I've been thinking of this? Well, we constantly talk about soul mates and all that. I kind of wonder if love MUST be sexual to be real. I've had plenty of sexual experiences, but never love, at least not what could properly be defined as love. On the other hand, I have people important to me in my life that I love very much who I need no sexual connection with to know I love them or that they love me.

I'm not saying there is anything necessarily wrong with sex, especially if it's healthy, safe, committed, and done for the right reasons. I'm just thinking why should I get hung up on sex or the various labels that come with what makes me "aroused" if love can be something non-sexual. Or to put it another way, my life experience has taught me that who I had sex with weren't people I loved. I might have thought I did, but I was lying to myself and them. That's not to say I didn't care about them, but honestly looking back on all the people I've ever said "I love you" to in a sexual relationship, I don't think I ever really did love them, and I don't think they truly loved me. I'm not whining or complaining, just stating facts.

So our life goal, or at least one of them, is to find that person we can truly love, supposedly. Well, maybe I can't love just one person, and maybe my view of love won't have anything to do with a sexual connection. Again, if my sexual relationships didn't result in love, logically, then love and sex are not only two different things for me, but also that for me love must come without sex. I'm not sure if I'll always feel that way, or if I'll even feel that way in six months.

As my trainer suggests, just keep your heart and mind open to possibilities. Take it easy and let life do what it does, and be willing to accept what comes your way, sort of thing.

Church and Talking with my Trainer Afterward

So my opinion of the church service I went to is more or less ambivalent. The main highlights that I got from the church are that sex is good, you should have boundaries, and that it's ideal to have sex within a marriage. I agree for the most part with the premise, after all, no matter one's sexuality, without boundaries, sex becomes something self-destructive, as I've experienced in my life, and as many folks I've known, gay, straight or otherwise, have experienced.

It comes back to the "everything in moderation" concept, and as soon as one realizes that their sexual experiences are not healthy for them physically, mentally, or even spiritually, the sooner they can work to change their root problems and become a better person. This doesn't mean that the gay dude who's been sleeping around a lot has to become straight anymore than the straight "player" has to become gay. Everyone has different reasons for why they are hurting inside, in the end we're all seeking to fill some void in our hearts that was made empty by some traumatic event or series of events in our pasts. When we address that pain and anger from the past, we can become whole people and no longer have to rely on self destructive behavior to fill that void. For myself it was the lack of self confidence and comparing myself to others, for someone else, it could be entirely different.

Talking to my trainer afterward, I told him how I want to keep this blog accessible to everyone, no matter their views on faith. I don't want to make folks who are largely opposed to religion (especially Christianity) to feel like I'm somehow urging them to go that route to overcome their pain. He understands my concerns and where I'm coming from. His view on filling that void/becoming a whole person is that without God in your life, you are never truly whole, and that you can't overcome the pain in your past without God's help. Personally, I'm still iffy on that only because I want this to be something I accomplish intrinsically/internally, as I feel to do otherwise wouldn't make the change permanent. That's not to say I can do it all on my own, I know I can't, that's why I rely on my trainer, my close friends, and my family for support as well. I just don't know that I'm ready to go that "God" step yet, though I may be more open to it down the road.

In the end, my trainer said that right now I'm on the right path, my mind and my heart are open to possibilities and experiences. He said that he didn't find his wife until he decided to just relax and let life come to him and to stop trying to find someone. So he says it's just a matter or patience and openness that will lead me where I need to go in life. So I'm going to try to just relax, let life happen a little more, and see what comes of it.

Why I call my blog "Not Afraid"

I thought it might be good to re-assert why I changed the name of my blog to Not Afraid. It's a reference to the Eminem song by the same name



A couple of the lyrics that stood out to me the most are these:

Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

Life is a journey, there's a reason we experience what we do and each new experience brings us to where we should be. I'm a strong believer in fate, I believe that we have the ability to change our paths, but I also believe that everything happens for a reason too. Some people feel they're in the same boat, and while I don't condone forcing anyone to change who they are if they are happy, for those that aren't happy, I want to show them a different path.

When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony

To everyone who says I can't do something, I'm going to prove them wrong, and all those who have looked down on me for years, I'm going to show them just how wrong they were about me all those years. I don't care what opinions people have of me or my goals, I'm doing this for me and me alone - to be a better person and move forward, leaving my pain and anger behind.

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

I'm here for anyone who needs support. Whether you're straight with a gay friend or family member they are trying to understand, a gay dude that firmly believes he's gay but feel you don't fit in, or someone who feels like being gay hasn't been in their personal best interests and they are looking for a new path. I'm here for everyone and anyone, no restrictions, no judgments, no requirements. Come as you are, even those who oppose my views and believe I'm completely wrong, I'm still here for them if they need it too.

You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped

To the "gay scions" who feel that they have the right to dictate other people's lives, viewing themselves as kings among the gay community, they are a small, insignificant, and largely petty group of negative individuals who's only pleasure in life is destroying the happiness of others. I have no sympathy any longer for those who have no sympathy for others. Despite that, if they were to come to me asking for a compassionate ear, I would be there for them. But until they see that their anger and negativity is destructive, I can do nothing for them, and any feelings I would have for them are irrelevant as they are unwilling to see someone like me as anything but a threat to their narrow world view and sexuality.

But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I'm still working through my past, coming to terms with who I am and who I want to be. No one can dictate who I should be but me. I thought the path I was on was the only possible path I could take, and I'm finding now that I have alternatives. I'm still haunted by my past homophobia, the hatred and anger I felt unfairly towards an entire community for refusing to accept me as I was (when it was only a small segment that made me feel unwelcome). But I'm coming to terms with all the negativity from my past, trying to be a stronger person mentally, physically, and spiritually. I can sit and complain about being a single gay man, not finding someone I connect with, feeling like I'll be 50 and single because of the same patterns repeating again and again - OR - I can find the root cause of that cycle, address it, overcome it, and work towards a more positive future.

For some, homosexuality can be a positive experience. As I've said before, I'm not telling every gay person that they HAVE to change, that would be wrong and presumptuous of me to think I can dictate their lives. BUT, for those that feel they're in the same boat, questioning if they are on the right path, seeking some sort of happiness and getting caught in the same cycle again and again, those are the people I'm here for the most.

Gay =/= Happy (For Some)

So I decided to post this real quick after I got more "supportive" comments from the "Out and Proud" gay man who loves to harass anyone he feels is somehow undermining what he thinks gay men should be. While I HAVE been homophobic in the past and have attacked gay men for what I perceive as shortcomings and stereotypical behavior (I now accept it as just being gay), and I've come a long way dealing with those feelings of hate and anger for what I thought I was.

He, despite his cries to the contrary, is not a happy man. He's not happy because if he were, he would have no need to attack others, to use their past against them when they've made strides, and he would accept the progress that someone has made to the positive. A happily secure gay man (or any man) wouldn't have the need to lash out at those who are doing him no harm, hating others what he hates in himself, being petty by using the past against them without presenting his present frame of mind, being so obsessed with someone as to post a blog entry (I'll link to his blog, since he was too insecure to link to mine since he knows it would prove his position incorrect), calling them out by name, and saying such things in his comments to me as:

2. the reality is that you have spent years being intolerant to "effeminate" gay men, stereotypical gay men, and flamboyant guys.

why? because you're a wimp who hates yourself.

you complain and bitch because you're a fucking wimp and the only people who support you are guys just like you who also hate themselves.

you're going to be a victim all your life.
(Little Kiwi) 1:53 PM

3. BWAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
(Little Kiwi) 1:51 PM

4. you're a complete fucking coward.
(Little Kiwi) 1:43 PM

5. you're a hypocrite. you complain that "gay scions" dictated your life. you're a liar.
you spread anti-gay bigotry. you spread hatred toward effeminate guys, flamboyant guys, stereotypical guys. you still do.

we simply called you out on the harm YOU are inflicting.

you're a coward. you'll live as a coward, you'll die as a coward.
buh bye , wimp :D
(Little Kiwi) 1:41 PM

6. great to finally be rid of you!

by the way, there's this video on youtube with all sorts of pictures of YOU talking in voiceover about how much you love sucking black cock, and you tooootally have a lisp in it, and sound like a little girl
. have you seen it?
it's pretty funny.
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10

7. you're a bigot with no balls! wassup girly-girl!?

how's the pussy tasting these days?

:D
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10

Truly happy people have no need to be so vindictive, hateful, and angry at someone trying to improve their life. I'm sorry that he's so insecure with his own sexuality that he can't overcome his hostility to the world that won't conform to his demands. I'm sorry that he's so insecure about his own sexuality that he views someone like me as a threat (and he does, otherwise, he wouldn't care so much about what I choose to do with my own life, obviously I am undermining his world view by my choices and mere existence). It can be frustrating, I imagine, to believe you control the world and believe the world to conform to your single narrow viewpoint and find out that you in fact have no control even over yourself and that perhaps what you thought was true is in fact not the case.

So if I were a religious dude, I'd pray for this guy. Since I'm not, I just hope that he can one day overcome whatever hatred and anger he has inside and let it go, move on, and become a better person. Despite his years of personal attacks, and what will probably be years more of personal attacks when I prove him wrong again and again, I still love him and hope for the best for him in his life. He deserves the same happiness in life that I've found. He may find it in a different way on a different path, but so long as in the end he's happy, that's the most important thing.

Those statements above that he sent me are not from a happy person, and that's unfortunate, because he claims to be a gay activist fighting for equality - and he does have passion for his cause - but with this sort of attitude, he will turn away more people and piss off more potential allies only making things worse for his cause. It goes back to the "you can get more flies with honey" idea. The greater society would more readily accept a gay man who presents himself in a moderate way, saying "Hey, I'm just like you, work 9-5, have the same problems with bills, etc. So I should have equal rights" versus "I'm gay dammit! GAAAAAAYYYY!!! Listen to me and do EXACTLY as I demand! And if you don't give me equality now, I'm going to attack you over and over again everywhere you go!!!"

Unfortunately, this gay man who sent me the comments presents himself in the latter way, which of course, creates a vicious cycle leading him further into hatred and anger as he faces strong opposition in return. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Perhaps gay activists, such as himself, should re-evaluate their approach and say "Hmm, being in your face and militant doesn't seem to have worked... Maybe we should try a different approach?" However, I know my history, and I know they won't change. The moderates will win incremental victories, and the radicals will claim those victories as their own. This is how it's always been throughout history with any sort of civil rights movement.

I'll give a brief example from my own life back when I was an "Out and Proud" gay man. After speaking with a Republican presidential candidate one on one about what it was like to be a gay man in the U.S. Military, I was able to successfully change his views on gays in the military. While he is not a major influence in his party, this was a small incremental step in the right direction, and probably one that will be unappreciated by the most radical gay activists. I have also met with students from Liberty University, interns of major right leaning think tanks (Heritage Foundation and AEI to name a few), and others traditionally thought to oppose homosexuality and found them remarkably open-minded and accepting when you approach them as equals in a moderate way.

In any event, I'm not going to waste any more time on this matter or his issues. He's not happy and he's not secure in his sexuality, or else he would have no need to attack me or view me as a threat. I can't help him since he doesn't want to help himself. He has to be the catalyst for his own change. I'm not saying he has to follow my path (everyone should choose their own path) but that he should work through his anger and negativity and work to be a more positive person, leaving his past behind and working towards his future. That's all I hope for for everyone I come in contact with. That's really all I can do for those who are resistant to changing their negativity.

Dad's Birthday Dinner and Figuring out Where I'm Going to Meet Women

So I "came out" to my dad and step-mom again, they took it as well as they did last time I did, so no worries there. They seem more the type to accept whatever choices I make in my life, because at this point in my life, they know I'm smart enough and self-reliant enough to make the right choices in a given situation. I didn't expect them to make a big deal out of it, and I also explained to them that I want to carry on the family name since my brother only makes girls, my uncle is gay, and then there was me.

Outside of that, on the drive home I was thinking, where should I go to meet women? I'm debating if I want to try posting some kind of online ad. Maybe even one of those sites like eHarmony. I tried Match.com before, but for dudes, and that was about worthless, I don't expect it to be much better for women. I want it to be something free or cheap just to get the experience, so I'm thinking I might try plentyoffish.com or something like that. I'm DEFINITELY not going to try Craigslist, I can't say I've ever had a positive experience off of there whatsoever, so I doubt the situation would be any better with women.

I've debated maybe starting up a facebook profile again, but I remember how pointless that was last time, might be about the same this time, plus I'd have to make two, one in my real name (my "public" profile) and one in a pseudonym for my close friends and family (just so potential future employers don't find pics of me drunk or questionable groups I belong to, etc.) So all in all, seems too much of a hassle, because people would probably find me by my real name, then depending on who they are, I'd have to tell them the fake name to add me as a friend, blah blah. Sucks you have to do that nowadays, but thems the breaks.

On a positive note, I'm really looking forward to hitting my trainer's church tomorrow with his wife and one of the dudes I lift with at the gym. The dude from the gym doesn't know about me, I'm debating if I want to tell him about what I'm going through, if that would make the situation easier, if he'd accept it, etc. I want to be his friend, seems like a good guy with a good head on his shoulders, but not sure how he'd take a bombshell like that. If we do become friends, I will tell him then for sure, because I don't like hiding stuff like this from people for very long.

Anyway, the topic of tomorrow's service, ironically enough, is human sexuality. I'm going to go in open-minded, I'm certain there'll be parts I agree with and parts I oppose, but all in all I hope it's a positive learning experience and I'm hoping for the best. I know my trainer is supportive, so I know he won't steer me wrong, so I trust him a lot on this stuff. I'll write my reflections afterward either tomorrow night or Monday morning.

Defining Myself - Establishing a Foundation

So I figure more importantly than figuring out what I want out of life is to figure out who I am now and where I want to be. Once I've established that foundation, I can move on to building on that and moving forward in my life.

So here's what I am NOT:

I am not some sort of ultra-Christian, I did not grow up in a conservative/religious family, my father is a very strong and positive figure in my life, and in fact, my family has many openly gay members in it and is supportive to those folks. Despite that sort of background, I ultimately feel that homosexuality is not the right choice for me. That said, I am not the sort to say that being gay is wrong, immoral, unnatural, etc. etc. I know it's wrong for me, but other people can be totally happy being homosexual, and hey, more power to them! If they have found happiness with that path of life, I applaud them. For me, I know it was a lie, not only to myself, but to those I was involved with and those I associated with.

Here's what I am:

I am human, I am imperfect, I have made lots of mistakes in my life, and hurt many people both through my words and actions, on purpose and inadvertently. I have held a lot of hate in my heart for myself and what I thought I was and others around me, most of whom didn't deserve it (and a few who in fact did). But even if they deserved it, it's better to just ignore them, hold my head high, and realize that those who attack others (including myself) are just hurting inside themselves and haven't come to terms with their personal issues. I'm working through that hate and anger now, I've addressed a lot of it directed toward myself and I am more comfortable with who I am now, and slowly I'm coming to accept others as well whom I previously avoided.

What I want to be:

I want to be a complete person, on my own, without the need of others to complete me. I'm almost there now, it will only take a little more work to accomplish this goal mentally, and then I'll work on it socially too. I want to be a positive example to others, no matter their orientation. I want to be someone others can look up to, come to for help, and who people rely on when they feel they have no where else to turn. I want to be that refuge in a storm for those who feel like they are tossed about by the currents of life. I see my trainer as a positive example in his way. He's open minded, supportive, encouraging, and overall a good guy. I see my buddy Garret as a role model, he's friendly to everyone, non-judgmental, funny, and laid back, letting life happen and taking it as it comes. I want to be more like these guys, and I feel like I'm getting there little by little. There's just a little more darkness in my heart to get rid of, but not too much more really.

Confidence, positivity, openness, friendly, laid back... These are my goals for self-development.

A bit about my personality

I'm a true blue INTJ, according to the Myers-Briggs type test. So why is that relevant? Because:

1. When people tell me to do something, I'm not the type to automatically do it if it goes against my core values

And

2. If someone tells me something is impossible I'm likely to laugh in their face and then go on to prove them wrong.

I don't respect authority, per se, in the manner most do. I don't care who you are or what your credentials, if you're wrong, then you're wrong. I can be pretty stubborn myself and come off as though I'm right, but as bad as it sounds, if I'm fairly sure I'm right, chances are I'm right. If I have doubts I'll raise them and/or attempt to address them. If I'm proven wrong (through logic and reason, not emotion and faith) I will admit my error and add the new information to my catalog of knowledge.

So again the relevance is as follows, people who tell me to do something are fairly likely to have me do the opposite (unless the action/change makes logical sense and they show me that benefit). Likewise, if someone tells me something is impossible, that fuels my fire to prove them wrong.

Impossible is just a word people use when they haven't tried hard enough.

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Perhaps Sexuality is Fluid?

The great thing I always liked about science over faith is that it generally understood that there is no such thing as an absolute truth. It sought truth through constant experimentation and observation and attempting to duplicate results, and challenging previous findings. It is through science, and not faith, that I believe that one's sexual orientation is not static or fixed, and in fact, can change through the efforts of an individual and, while heavily influenced by your genetic predisposition (Google "Gay Twin Studies" to see what I'm referring to) there has to be some other factor that accounts for the fact that only 50% of twins of a homosexual person (lesbian or gay) are also homosexual. However, despite this logical discrepancy, there is a faction of the gay population that believes, akin to an article of faith, that one's sexual orientation is not possible to change. For a time, I myself believed that as well. But from what I've seen in others, read over the last few days, and experienced within myself, I can no longer believe that someone can't change their sexuality on their own if they put forth the effort.

The constant lazy excuse I hear (from people both sincere and otherwise) is that why would someone "choose" to be something that society in general despises? I'm not so sure the general society is very anti-gay anymore, at least it's not something I've experienced from close friends, relatives, or associates. In any event, why would someone "choose" to work in a field that isn't respected by some segment of society, why would someone "choose" to associate with others of a political affiliation that might not be popular with others in the community? Etc. etc. Point being, I believe that nothing in this world is fixed and permanent. IF (and only if) someone really does seek to change who they are, then with the right efforts, they can change it.

On a side note, what I find most interesting is that it appears that the people who most hate who I am are the ones most heavily trying to convince me that I'm gay. Not sure to what end. Some have suggested to me that they have a sexual interest in me and are upset that I don't want them in the same way. That might be a possibility, but I think a more likely possibility is that these hateful people are more worried that someone might break the spell over the gay community that one can't change who they are attracted to. I intend to prove them wrong and offer hope to those who feel frustrated with the constant hypocrisy and hatred they get from the gay scions on a regular basis for not doing or being what they demand.

Anway, I recently found this group called "Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays" (PFOX). I spent some time last night browsing around their site and reading some of the articles they had posted. These two in particular caught my attention and resonated with me:

Gay Activists Speak Out
Pop Music Star Melissa Etheridge

This is what re-enforced my wondering if sexuality is indeed fluid. Perhaps as Freud once suggested (and Alfred Kinsey's studies reveal) most of us are bisexual to one extent or another, acting on it in different ways.

Now, in the end, I'm not going to become more homophobic. As I said in my last post I realize now that it was wrong of me to judge an entire population by a few bad examples who let their hatred and negativity define themselves. Also as I've said before, at the end of this journey it might be revealed that I'm in fact gay, or maybe bi, or maybe straight. I don't know for sure, and I'm fairly certain I'm going to know my own sexuality more than anyone else who pretends that they know it all and can peg me one way or the other.

So just wanted to get these thoughts out there. We'll see what the future brings. Like my trainer says, perhaps those who are predisposed to homosexuality have to work ten times as hard to change it. He likened it to those predisposed to obesity. He has clients that have to work ten times as hard to get the same results as others, but they make the choice of either putting in the extra needed effort, or they are just happy with themselves as obese folks, the choice is theirs, so long as in the end they are happy with themselves.

The Winding Twists and Turns of Life's Path (Updated 7/25/2010)

(Updated 7/25/2010)

So I've been thinking the last few days whether or not being homosexual is a choice, whether I can choose to change my orientation to heterosexual or even bisexual, and what this will all mean in the end. Life is a journey and we have to make it on our own ultimately. Sure there are people there along the way who help point us in the right direction, are there for support when we feel hurt or lost, or who are there to just lend whatever help they are able to.

And then there are those who seek to dictate your life for you and attack you, despite trying to become a better person and figure yourself out and define yourself as you choose.

For example, I had the following five comments from two individuals who frequent the message boards of the gay social networking website called Connexion. These individuals claim to be supportive of homosexuals trying to come to terms with their sexuality and find their place in life, however, how supportive do these comments sound?

==========

1. And why are you chatting with him? Do you feel like you can somehow make him butch it up? You sound like an 'ex-gay' therapist. This is all very Freudian
(Doug) 5:02 PM

2. the reality is that you have spent years being intolerant to "effeminate" gay men, stereotypical gay men, and flamboyant guys.

why? because you're a wimp who hates yourself.

you complain and bitch because you're a fucking wimp and the only people who support you are guys just like you who also hate themselves.

you're going to be a victim all your life.
(Little Kiwi) 1:53 PM

3. BWAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
(Little Kiwi) 1:51 PM

4. you're a complete fucking coward.
(Little Kiwi) 1:43 PM

5. you're a hypocrite. you complain that "gay scions" dictated your life. you're a liar.
you spread anti-gay bigotry. you spread hatred toward effeminate guys, flamboyant guys, stereotypical guys. you still do.

we simply called you out on the harm YOU are inflicting.

you're a coward. you'll live as a coward, you'll die as a coward.
buh bye , wimp :D
(Little Kiwi) 1:41 PM

6. great to finally be rid of you!

by the way, there's this video on youtube with all sorts of pictures of YOU talking in voiceover about how much you love sucking black cock, and you tooootally have a lisp in it, and sound like a little girl
. have you seen it?
it's pretty funny.
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10

7. you're a bigot with no balls! wassup girly-girl!?

how's the pussy tasting these days?

:D
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10

Funny thing is, this dude is so obsessed with me that he's using old stuff I've said to attack me on HIS blog. Sad that people are that narrow minded and hateful that they can't grow up. It disappoints me that he's the same age as me. But hey, I still have all the positive feedback below.

==========

Now there was a time I let such comments get to me, I let them anger me, upset me, make me hate gay people even more. I thought to myself, if this is what the gay community is going to throw at me for being myself, why bother? I'm not going to be happy if I have to define myself by the terms of negative people like that.

Thankfully, not everyone was so hateful and hypocritical to me. For every negative person that sought to dictate who I should be and how I should live my life, there were a dozen more that supported me in my efforts to try to become a better person and figure myself out, no matter what path I end up taking in life.

==========

1. Hey Jay,

I just read your blog from yesterday and that was pretty incredible.

I was out with one of my best girl friends the other night and she kept asking me what was wrong, and my answer was that I'm not attracted to gay guys. She didn't understand me.

Anyway, I really related to your post and am relieved that I'm not alone.

Hope you're having a good week!

2. lol dont worry if some fem guys act retarded some of them are complete idiots anyway and think everyone wants them and the only reason they prolly bash you is because you actually dont want them and that drives some fem boys up the wall..continue to be yourself hun and stick with what you believe =D have a great day
(this was from a totally out and self described femme guy)

3. Good luck. I have tried serveral times to go straight. Once this winter but I keep going back to men. I like woman and do not mind sex with them but I also enjoy sex with men.

Hopefully you will be ok and will be successful. I would think it will be hard convincing all the people who know you are gay that you are now straight.

4. How's it going? I've been reading the responses that you received from your question regarding a gay man turning straight and I just wanted to send you this email to wish you good luck and I hope you find happiness in your life. I feel that I might be in a similar situation as you find yourself in. Right now, I am a little confused with regards to my sexuality. While I haven't had sex with a woman, my first kiss was with a girl and I sent to prom and homecoming in high school with a girl. Growing up in the back of my mind, I've always wondered what it would be like being with a guy. I didn't have my first sexual experience with a guy until I was a junior in college. After college, I continued to mess around with guys every now and then. I really don't have a lot of experience with a guy. I've found girls attractive and I even had straight porn in college and I was fantasizing being with a woman.

It would be nice to have a family. I've never been a part of the gay community either. All of my friends are straight and they would never suspect that I like guys. I am masculine and just come across as a regular dude. I too have grown increasingly frustrated with not finding a masculine gay dude who love sports and just is a regular guy. I am tired of one night stands and I would like to date someone but it's been tough for me to find a dude who is similar to me. So, I don't know what I am going to do. I may just give up searching for a while with the hope that the person will find me.

5. I absolutely love your responses. You are teaching me something quite significant in my life right now. (Though I should be bed lol)
The way I see you, Jay.. Would be a man with bravery.
I do not know how you are doing this, but it sure takes something to actually do it. Like I said, I could never say that I am going straight because that would be lying, on your part.. I say you know exactly what you are doing. Only one can know for sure.
Sure everyone makes mistakes! Sure everyone changes, but not everyone finds their true self at the end of the tunnel when it comes to big situations like these. Situations that can change your life for sure!
This amazes me! Makes me sad to hear that you are kind of giving up. or changing or whatever it is that you are doing.
But whatever it is, I am pretty sure it is right. I support you! You seem like a great man, you can be a good husband for a good wife. I wish you the best of luck. You make me want to keep digging for the man of my life.
But as hard as I may scratch and dig, I may never find that person.
Gays are just plain rude and mean, so there have been times in my life where I give in too. But I make sure to say that I am going to be asexual, and as funny as I may sound. I am guess I am being true to myself.
(This one from another totally out effeminate dude)

6. Hey man...I just wanted to say you have a very interesting POV in your blogs. I'm sorry that some folks in the community have made it difficult. I have continually tried to associate myself with various aspects of the community and quickly learned that the gay community is full of hypocrites...they want acceptance and equality when we cant even find that within our own community often times. I definitely fall into some of the stereotypes (live in capitol hill, shop like its my job) but i also learned that the only way im ever going to be happy is to just be myself and be happy with myself.

Sorry for my random rambling, but i definitely respect what you're doing and your take on life. Hope you don't mind but i bookmarked your blog because you have a great strong voice and i think there are a lot of folks out there that need to hear a lot of what you have to say.

7. our "community" tends to be superficial and like to call masculines cowards because were not an annoyance with sexuality. ive had bad time being out but cant change the fact that i like guys. i know its hard 4 me to find a guy unless hes fem. but i dont like girlish guys. so id rather be alone.

man, whatever makes your life better then thats what you should do . remember my opinon, and connexion browers opinon mean nothing because your the one living your life. stressing yourself out isnt good either because when i thought about this it kept me unfocus and i lost a lot, sorry to be vague.

8. Just wanna say I admire your courage and determination I know its been a tough road I myself often wish i was str8 how much easier life would be but I cant deny who I am regardless of that there are times I want to have sex with a women just to prove im str8 to myself and others i have friends and co workers who dont think im gay but i know deep down i am and i think part of it was how i was brought up well im going to be bed now im exhusted but your post was inspiring i wish you the best of luck on your journey i hope you find yourself in the end and most of all I hope it makes you happy only you can make yourself happy man take care

9. I read your post and your blog and am really sorry you had to go through all that. I feel your pain. It seems on the gay side of things I don't really fit in either. I don't enjoy the clubs, and over sexualizing myself, most of the things usually associated with. I've been trying to build relationships with guys and they seem to always turn out the way you describe, obsessive to the point its scary, emotionally abusive, and such. I understand why you feel the way you do. I want nothing more to just be able to find a girl and settle down and start a family. But most of the girls I come by I have zero interest in. As to just deciding to be straight on my part I'm not sure. I feel I'll always be attracted to guys. I sometimes think that if I did or could switch over how would things change? What if these are just the people I attract in life. I've had a few girlfriends and they seemed to be oddly similar to the guys in the sense of obsession and all that. I'm not exactly sure what I'm getting at so I will stop here and not waste anymore of your time. So have a good day and thanks for reading. I really hope everything works out for you and you find what you're looking for. We all deserve a taste of happiness.

10. Hey Jay,

I didnt have a chance to read you whole blog or any of the comments you got on your Q&Q. But... I however am going thru something pretty similar. I was raised Mormon, even went to BYU and on a mission for the church. After all that I decided that since I had thought I was gay for the past 10 years and never acted upon it, I would. I began to go to clubs, date, sleep with guys, etc. Finally I got to the point of live in boyfriends and pretty much living a life exclusively dedicated to my sexuality, shutting out the straight world completely.

I have not been as close with my family, college friends, or religion as I would like to be. I am not as liberal as I see the majority of the LGBQT community and often times I feel rejected because I voted for McCain or I dont oppose the new law in Arizona (being from there originally I know it is not what the media has blown it up to) in short, my life has been pretty much hell ever since I decided to act upon my gay desires. I am more sexually attracted to men then women, its true, but I do believe I can find a woman that I will love and be attracted to. And if she accepts me with the past I have, then I dont think I will look back at all.

I dont drink or use drugs, I dont like to go out and get crazy on tuesday nights before work, or take Atlantis cruises... I dont feel like I will be missing a lot except maybe a physical attraction. Which for me is now seeming less and less important. (especially since most the guys I end up dating are not my idea of perfect physically either) I hope you can make the change and that life is good to you. Id love to hear how it goes, I expect my transition will take some time but I plan on making it.

11. congrats! i think i could go back to being straight too but i like guys too much. already ruined one woman's life and don't want to head there again. you touched on something that i don't think a lot of gay guys like - the idea that they can change their orientation. i think you can. i might join you one day cause so far i have faced a lot of shit and not too much i like about being gay.

12. I just wanted to tell you that what you're doing is very brave and kind. It takes a good person to want to do what you're doing and I just wanted to applaud you for it. Although I dont agree with some of you beliefs. But then again I don't know what you're feeling. Keep doing what you're doing!

13. There are several things that I feel like I can relate to in regards to your past experiences. Sometimes I wonder whether it would be in my best interest to go straight. I'd love to have a family. My only issue is that I know I'm attracted to guys. Unfortunately, I'm not attracted to the gay lifestyle. It's really hard to be a misfit in a misfit society. Kudos to you

14. Hey man,

I read your blog. Interesting stuff. Sounds like you've been through alot!
It just doesn't sound like you've had a very good experience in the gay community.

If you're into reading books you might check out these two books:

http://www.amazon.com/Way-Out-Freedom-Matter-Closeted/dp/0757303927/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_2

http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Things-Improve-Their-Lives/dp/1555837824/ref=pd_sim_b_15

If you happen to read them, let me know. It would be cool to discuss them.
Based on your blog, they may be helpful, regardless of the path you choose.
The first book especially has an entire chapter where the author is really frustrated with the gay community and talks about how we dealt with it when he was around 30 years old after he'd come out in his early-to-mid twenties.

Are you familiar with the Kinsey scale (0-totally heterosexual to 6-totally homosexual)?
Do you fall somewhere in between? If so, you can probably be straight...

Best of luck

15. do what you want to do man. it's your life and you have your own free will to do what you think is best for you. actually i thought about it and also wanted to be straight, too bad... i cant...

i am not sexually active now. maybe because i wanted to change myself into someone better. not long ago, ive been really really bad. haha!

go man! live your life well.

16. I think getting flak one way or the other is ridiculous...nobody knows your sexual orientation other than you, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'd imagine gays are afraid of having even a single counter-example to the claim "being gay is immutable and inherent" and that's driving whatever animosity you've found.

I'm not going to get into second-guessing why you've gone back and forth, that's for your heart, head, and genitals to lead you as you see fit, but I wish you luck in trying to find sexual and relationship happiness in your life, whether that involves being gay, straight, bi, poly, asexual, transgender, monagamous, a total slut, or whatever combination of the above you can figure out

17. Jay, after reading your blog, i can understand why you feel the need to try the straight life. I also can see why you feel the gay community hasn't been wholly accepting of you since you don't "act" like traditional homosexuals do.

In those regards, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG with leaning republican and not telling every single person you meet you're gay. I myself, am completely out, and make it no secret, I also lean left politically... but that doesn't give me, or ANYONE the right to tell you how to live YOUR life. I wish I could apologize for all those who berate you and talk down to you for being true to yourself - whatever that may be (gay,bi,straight,a-sexual).

I wish you the best of luck in your venture, and hope you find happiness where ever it may lie for you.

You have my full support, and if you ever wanna chat about what you're going through, feel free to mail/IM me at any time Jay.

18. Sounds to me like you have an issue with the gay "community" than coping with your own sexuality based on your latest blog entry. Why don't you just be yourself and *%@$ the gay community. You should not feel pressured to be someone you are not. I could care less what other gay men think of me as to whether I wear the proper gay attire. I don't aspire to be gay, I aspire to be myself and being gay is a part of who I am much like being a Catholic is a part of who I am. Now does being gay have some affect on how I come across, yes. But I don't introduce myself as "My name is _____ and I'm gay" to every person that I meet (though some within the community would prefer this). It sounds like this is really the issue at hand with a combination of self-esteem issues. You may have had a miserable 10 years, but your young and still have time to embrace the beauty of your own sexuality. Explore, consult, learn who you are, gay or straight, be yourself and don't worry what others think.

19. Thats actually really cool that you're trying to be happy, no matter what it's about. Maybe the "gay community" here has no right to be a bitch like that. What i've learned though is that not the whole world is like that and u dont have to b limited to the united states. But i dont see anythung wrong with u turning straight. I personally wish u good luck on ur journey =)

20. Whatever decide I hope for the best for you!

Just like there are different types of straight people, there are many different types of gay people. Being straight or gay is based purely on sexuality, not on how you dress, act, believe, etc.

In the end, look deep inside and imagine the type of person you want to be in love with. If it's a man, great. If it's a woman, thats great too.

Labels are for tin cans, not people. Love who you want to love and fuck what everyone else says.

21. I do have a friend who feels the same way in the present day. As a tell him, ill tell you Jay, there are lots of guys who are "not into the scene", which sounds like your describing.
My friend will not identify as a "gay community participant" any longer. He listens to death metal for yrs, now in his 40's, talk about not fitting in.

After yrs of being a semi activist (ive been officially out for 15 yrs now), i too have grown tired of of "trying to fit in", somewhere within the confines of the community, and ive tried them all except drug scene, i was never into that even before i came out officially.

While my friend has even noticed the slight change ive made as far as being all up in community standards, he is really struggling with, like your same issues.

I took a different approach, im just chillin from all activities associated with the community, but, im still gay, enjoy the company of men, hot men and one day hope to meet the right one. Point is, dont lose yourself and who you really are. You can be gay, attracted to men but not participate in any thing the gay community has to offer, nobody says you have to, my friend has threatened and even i have said a few times i should try being straight and do things a straight guys would do, but been there, done that already (before coming out).

I really do think its about accepting yourself, as part of the coming out process, most guys i know went through the self loathing/self hating stage, some guys i know either drank or drug themselves up to the point they couldnt function anymore.

Separate the "community" and your own sexual feelings, you maybe still gay but you dont need the baggage. If a women and the lifestyle that comes with being straight appeals to you, (including sex with her), try it and see.

Like i said, been there done that and im happy being a gay man, but not too happy with the community that comes with it.

Let us know how your change is going.

22. Jay- I think everyone is different in their own way. I don't think I have the right to sit here and tell you its right or wrong for you to live whatever life you wanna live. I can relate though and say that being gay feels like a weight on my shoulders or like a ball and chain hooked to my ankle. Matter of fact when I read the part "Ive made the determination to go straight, I already feel better about myself and my future" I took a big breath and let it out, and for a moment sat in your shoes. I commend you for figuring out what makes you happy. Right now for me i'm sticking with it, finding those who love me for being what so many people think of us as.. the scum of the earth. Trying to be a positive representative for the gay community, and once I feel my quest is over I just might find myself in the same boat as you! Goin straight! Do your thing Jay, go wherever your heart desires and worry about what "you" want, not anyone else. Its your heart so follow it wherever you want. I'll be here for you.

23. In a way I can understand what you're saying and feeling. I can't say that being gay and coming to terms with it and all has been the best experience of my life. In many ways I have never felt so unwanted, unloved, demoralized and humiliated among other things. I have been told by guys that I would have to pay them to spend time with me, that I should just go hire a hooker, that I should even turn straight because no guy would ever want me. It can be a very cruel world. But for better or for worse, whether anyone likes it or not, I'm gay. It just is what it is.

That said, I can't say I fault you for what you're doing. It's your decision and you have to do what you feel is right. All I can say is that I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for and that in the end it is worth it.

24. Uh maybe you are just bi and thats ok! You can only do for yourself what you think is best and what makes you happy! I say if you think this is what you want go for it.

==========

So I got a wide range of support from all different types of people, some masculine, some feminine, all different races and locations, all different ages and experiences in the gay community. I would be happy to say that, knowing that there ARE supportive people in the gay community (and that the most vocal and negative, angry, and hurtful people do not speak for these individuals or the community as a whole), if it turns out at the end of this journey that I am in fact gay, or even bisexual, I'm glad to know that I will nonetheless find supportive people both inside the gay community (these folks above) and outside (my close friends and others important in my life).

It's good to know that one doesn't have to live by the dictates of the gay scions who seek to represent all the gay community when they are poor representations of themselves. The gay community is truly diverse, and on balance, more welcoming than divisive so long as one ignores the dictates of those who seek to define your life for you in their terms.

So gay, straight, bi, or what have you, everyone should be free to travel life's path, make their own choices, experience the ups and downs, but in the end, we must respect one another and offer as much support as we can to each other, no matter our choices in life. I know I haven't been respectful in the past to those I felt repulsed by, but that's unfortunate, as I saw them through the lens of the hate I got from the gay scions who are pretty much the largest balls of negativity in the gay community. Had I met their opposites on a regular basis, the down to earth, respectful, and accepting gay men of all backgrounds, my homophobia would have been non-existent.

But instead, the more these angry and hurtful people pushed me to be what they wanted me to be, the more I resisted, and the more I hated them, and I falsely believed they represented the gay mainstream, so I ended up hating the gay community as a whole by extension. I realize now that was wrong of me. A vast majority of gay people (masculine, feminine, old, young, black, Latino, white, liberal, conservative, and everything in between) are pretty damn open-minded to people different from them, accepting of diverse experiences and points of view, and welcoming to everyone no matter their situation in life. I only wish I had experienced that sooner, I would have not had to experience so much hate and anger towards people who really didn't deserve it as they wanted me to just be myself, not tell me who I should be or define me in their terms.

So with that life lesson under my belt, I am trying to impart it on others as well, gay, straight, and bi. People should be judged as individuals, not by the community they belong to or those who believe themselves to represent the community as a whole. Again, a vast majority are highly supportive, and only seek a live and let live approach to life, letting others make their own decisions in life and define themselves as they choose in whatever way brings them the most happiness.

In the end, when you compare the hatred from the first two completely negative and unsupportive people to the positive support from the next 24, it's apparent that most gay folks are pretty damn nice people. I'm not sure where my life's journey will take me when I'm done, but if I end up straight or bi, I have a more positive view of the gay community than I probably would have had if I had only let the most negative individuals represent my impression of the gay community. If I come to determine that I am gay and I can't change it, then likewise, at least I'm glad to know that there ARE kind and supportive people in the community who won't tell me who I should be and attack me for not doing as they demand.

That said, I wish everyone a fantastic week, I hope the best for everyone reading this, and I hope we all find the happiness we deserve in life.

Peace, Love, and Fuzzy Puppies

-- Jay

Questions

So I was up way too late last night reading different articles in Wikipedia about homosexuality, changing one's sexual orientation, etc. It got me to thinking whether it's biologically ingrained or not. I'm sort of an agnostic when it comes to things like that. Present scientific development seems to indicate it is most likely biological, so no choice involved (except perhaps acting on that attraction). But if that's true, my personal trainer and his brother present an interesting question.

I believe they are identical, they looked pretty identical to me, I'll ask my trainer later to confirm that. But his brother is apparently hooking up with dudes now, whereas my trainer is solidly straight, even got married and had a kid. Previously his brother was also into women, dating them and (I presume) having sex with them. So this leads me to two problems. Either both brothers are bi-sexual and have chosen to act on that in different ways, or else homosexuality is a choice (at least in the case of his brother). What if the fact is that it is in fact a choice, and most people choose to be heterosexual because of the presently accepted social norms of society.

I remember about 5 years ago when it was the "in" thing to be bi-sexual among high school and college aged kids. Taking into account the so-called Kinsey scale, it could be entirely possible that the vast majority of the population is bi-sexual (like Sigmund Freud once suggested) and that most people fall somewhere between 100% hetero and 100% homosexual, acting on it in different ways.

Anyway, how does this apply to me? Not sure yet, more research needed. It may ultimately come out that I'm maybe bi-sexual (and my buddy Garret's girlfriend jokingly tells me, no you can't be bi, that's selfish), or maybe I'm pretty much stuck being homosexual who's not attracted to dudes anymore (if I can't overcome the "gay vibe") and as a result be pretty much asexual. I could probably be attracted to a dude like me, but I've come to accept that there really aren't any other dudes like me in the gay population. I came close to finding one with the last guy I was interested in about a month ago, but (not that I should talk) he has major issues he's dealing with, among them body dysmorphia (something I myself went through over the last few years).

Well, I need to get to work, I just wanted to get these thoughts down first.

Peace, love, and awkward introspection!

Mission One: Bar-hopping in Larimar Square

So last night me and the gym crew went downtown barhopping for a dude's birthday who didn't even show. Oh well, we still had fun!

I've also learned a lot last night, despite being pretty buzzed. For someone in my situation, going to a bar is like a little league ball player playing in the World Series. Sure you're gonna to get your ass kicked by the better players who've been at this for years, but you still learn something. So I'm a pretty open-minded guy, I saw the sorts of interactions people were having, watching people. I even chatted up this girl that went to school with my bro Zach, bought her a drink, and just kinda evaluated the situation. Garret thinks she was in to me, but I didn't feel any kind of spark there, couldn't really find anything to talk to her about honestly, we hit on the old stuff of what do you do, where are you from, blah blah, but the convo just kinda fizzled after that. She seemed nice enough, but Zach told me that she wasn't worth it, that she's just a drunk and only after that. Not sure if maybe he was cock-blocking me, but I trust him, so I doubt it. There was plenty of cock-blocking going around all night though, that was interesting to see first hand. Like that girl came with her two girlfriends, and this other guy showed up that apparently knew her too, so she ended up talking to him most of the night. But oh well, luck of the draw. In retrospect, probably should have tried talking to her shorter friend, but she seemed kinda peeved most of the night, which is probably why she wasn't getting much attention at all.

All in all, it was an interesting learning experience, and that's really what I'm after, trying to figure out where I'm going on this crazy road trip called life. One thing I was pretty upset about, at least at the time (I'm all right with it now), is that Garret told my friends about me quite a ways back. I wanted to be the one to say something, but Garret said they were asking about me, thinking I was being awkward, shit like that. So that made me worry, not so much that my friends knew about me (and they're still cool with me no matter what I am), but that if I come off as awkward to dudes, I'm definitely going to come off as awkward to women. I'm not sure how to go about fixing that without turning into some kind of emotionally distant prick. I just try to be the good guy, offer to hang with my friends, cuz I know how I get when I'm bored and it's nice to have folks you can hang out with - and Zach in particular lives like a five minute walk from me (until I move) so that's why I figured we could hang out more than we have besides the gym and bars.

Anyway, part of Zach's advice to me was maybe try meeting some chicks at church, or meeting them through friends. He said he'd help me try to find a chick too. So I guess all in all, the one thing I need to figure out is how to lose the "gay vibe" since, like I said, if guys pick up on it, I know chicks can. Won't do me any good trying to get with some chick who automatically thinks I'm gay because I don't know how to play the game by a different set of rules, at least not yet.

Experience, experience, experience, that's the name of the game, get more of it, figure out what works best for me, and go from there. I've got ten years of bad wiring to reprogram (not saying gay people are badly wired, just saying I personally am). It won't be easy, but anything worth doing never is.

Can't embed it, but though this video kind of captured the feeling last night:

Memories by David Guetta (feat. Kid Cudi)

Plan of Attack - Squaring a few things away

So met with my personal trainer this afternoon, I've been talking to him about this stuff for the last few weeks. He's a real understanding guy, so I respect his advice and his perspective. He's got a twin that's gay, or at least is going through that phase, but beyond that he doesn't know the first thing about that aspect of what I've gone through. Despite that, he's an open-minded guy who's given me a lot of good advice over the last few months and someone I really look up to like my best friend Garret.

Anyway, so I've been thinking about what I'm going to do now to meet women, get interested in them, develop a relationship, and of course, get to the point I can get sexual with them. That's the main things I have to figure out over the next few months of trial and error.

Something I haven't revealed to many people or on this blog yet is this. Growing up my first two decades, I was constantly failed by the women in my life I was supposed to be able to trust. So my mother abandoned me with my father when I was 13 (her boyfriends were more important to her than I was), my step mother was pretty abusive verbally and mentally (we've since come to terms with our pasts and we get along now), my sister in law (my brother's first wife) was a total b**** to me growing up, and my "sister" (technical half sister, which she constantly reminded people when I was introduced) never accepted this "white boy" (chihonkey she called me) as her brother. So these women who were supposed to be somewhat important in my life, that I was supposed to feel secure and safe with, at every turn they ended up hurting me when I was too young to defend myself. That led to a lot of fears and resentment of women, which combined with all the other issues I dealt with growing up, sort of made the perfect storm of low self esteem and self doubt that led me down a path of lying to myself and others when it came to my sexuality.

Over the last few months, I've sort of defrosted my heart to women. I'm beginning to trust a few close ones in my life: my friend Garret's girlfriend, my boss, my step mother. I don't know how close I am to the point that I could trust women enough to be intimate with women in general, but that's something that will come in time I'm sure.

So outside of that, I've been re-reading a book called "How to Be An Alpha Male" by a guy named John Alexander. I first bought it when I lived in DC because it seemed that you needed a lot of confidence to get anywhere, and the general confidence advice in the book would pretty much apply to any man of any sexuality. But I'm re-reading it now to try to get prepped for how I need to handle the "fairer sex" because let's face it, technically I'm a 28 year old (almost 29) virgin.

Anyway, I feel more self confident now, like how I look (but can always improve), like my career, I am confident in who I am and my knowledge and skills. I know that rejection will happen with women all the same as it has with dudes, but I'm kinda to the point where I can just shrug it off. Besides, like the Alpha Male book says, you can't take rejection personally, if they don't want to spend time with you and get to know you, then that's their loss, not yours.

Beyond that, I'm trying to decide what I'm going to do in regards to meeting women. My personal trainer suggested going for cougars. They are generally not looking for a commitment, have a lot of experience, and would be a good way of getting my feet wet, so to speak. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be interested in dating a cougar long term, but his advice makes sense since experience is what I need, and a lot of it as quickly as possible. It's just a matter of re-wiring my thought patterns to get "in the mood" with women, since I've got years of the psychological block due to trust issues. I don't think it would be healthy to go jumping into sexual relationships though, right off the bat, until I do get more comfortable trusting women in general.

So before I try for cougars, I think I should focus my efforts on developing maybe even just platonic relationships with women, moving on from there to more intimate relationships. The one thing I do have to be careful of is not getting pegged as the "friend", since that won't allow me to grow beyond that level in most cases. Chances are I will take things very slowly with any women I date, and as my PT suggests, I should date a handful of women at the same time. I agree, since that will give me a wide range of interactions and experiences and let me learn faster what it is I like and don't like when it comes to relationships with women.

I have considered possibly posting back online looking for women, but something about that just doesn't sit well with me considering my experience with guys online and various dating sites. I'd much rather meet them through my friends or I might consider getting involved with some organizations again that mesh with my interests and allow me to show off my confidence. The book also suggests yoga classes since that is mostly women too, with the added health benefits that come with it. I used to do some yoga classes and I've been thinking of getting back into it, so I might start that up too.

In the end there are a wide variety of options available to me, far more than were available as a "gay man". Hell, just consider the math, if women make up half the population, and gay/bi men only 5-10%, that gives me only one tenth of half the population to choose from, then you have to consider the factors of age, interests, chemistry, and by the time that's said and done, I have less than one one hundreth of a percent of the population to choose from as a "gay man". Whereas as a straight man, I have half the population, and then when you factor in demographics, interest, and chemistry, I probably still have at least 10% of the population to choose from.

Anyway, I'm rambling, I need to get some stuff packed for my move, just wanted to get my thoughts down while they were still fresh in my mind.

Peace, love, and Japanese beer!

-- Jay

An Apology, and looking forward!

So this is my private blog, basically my diary chronicling everything I've been through in the last few years and my path going forward. There was a lot of anger and hate at the start because, well, I'm human and I'm not perfect. I had to work through those issues and become a better person. I realized that I harbored a lot of anger and hate towards people I felt had dictated who I should be and how I should live my life. I know I hate when people do this to me, and I imagine in some way by lashing out at those same people, I was dictating how I thought they should act and how they should live their lives.

So going forward, I promise I will not dictate anyone's life for them. I'm not God, I don't have that right, and besides, I can't honestly say I know what's best for everyone in their own situations.

So if anyone feels offended by anything I have said on here or anything I've said in the past, I sincerely apologize, especially if it came off as though I was telling you some type of standard you should live up to. I have no standards for others anymore, just come as you are. I can only accept you as you are, or I'm no better than those who reject those who are different and demand conformity.

So again, I sincerely apologize to any I have offended with my anger and hate. I have worked through those issues, improved as a person, and I am ready to leave my past behind, as indeed I hope everyone does at some point. Holding on to the past, living in the past, these are not positive places to be. It is far better to live in the present, do the best you can for one another, and have high hopes for the future.

Treat each other with as much kindness as you can, because life is too short for hate. I wrote this as a way of trying to do my part to promote a little good karma in the world for all the bad I might have created over the years.

I wish everyone only the best, even those who hate me for reasons I can't change. I love my enemies because to do any less would make me no better than they are. I only hope that they one day leave their own hate and anger behind and join me on being a better person and looking forward to a better future.

Peace, love, and applesause!

Should I just ignore gay people, friends, and not stand up for them?

So yesterday I had two particularly negative people tell me I shouldn't be on gay sites if I'm straight. I respond I'm on there to give people someone to talk to when they feel they have no one to talk to and to stand up for those who get attacked by the more negative gay folks.

So if they're right, if I were to see a gay dude struggling in life our getting attacked, I should just ignore it and go on with my life. In other words if a gay teen were suicidal and depressed, I should just say, sorry kid, can't help you, leave me alone. Or maybe if I see someone getting attacked for being different I'm just supposed to ignore it and let them get attacked... And yet these are the same folks crying about generalized homophobia because people don't stand up for gays in general society.

So, should I do the right thing and stick to my principles or let the more negative and hateful gays win over those they attack because it's not approved of to stand up for those they attack?

Of course that's a rhetorical question, how am I going to let a couple of negative assholes dictate to me who I should or should not associate with or stand up for? If they don't see their own hypocrisy and hateful negativity, that's not my issue. I can only offer support to those who seek it.

When people get that negative, they are a lost cause unless they seek to change themselves. I know this from personal experience.

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Why would a straight guy even try to be gay?

Let's go back to my high school years. I was completely asexual then, I had no sexual interest in men or women. As I said in my other post, I was attracted to guys not because I found them sexually attractive... For the last decade I lied to myself about that. But rather because I saw in them something I missed in myself. So I fantasized about BEING the jock guy, the popular guy, the muscular guy, the "hot dude" that worked at the mall, etc. I didn't think about getting it on with them, I just wanted to one day wake up and be them and leave my crappy life behind.

I wasn't accepted by most of my peers for being kinda a scrawny nerd in school. So being that I had no attraction to either sex, most of the straight guys assumed I was gay because I never had a girlfriend. That label kind of ended up sticking through my Air Force years, and I kind of started to wonder if maybe I was gay, especially after my first disastrous sexual experience. So because I didn't fit in with the straight dudes, I thought the gay community might be more accepting, and I thought that I would find someone easier to fill what I felt I was missing in myself.

So my last decade I've been lying to myself and all the guys I've been involved with. I was just using them because I felt like they were easy prey to get my psychological fix, in the end just hurting myself more by making me feel even worse about myself when I didn't somehow magically gain those qualities they had that attracted me to them, and then thinking that I could somehow be in a romantic relationship with a dude.

So I came out four times in my life, and each time I've had to deal with friction. I first came out as gay around 20 or 21, going to the clubs, joining the organizations, doing everything that was expected of me to do to "fit in".

For a time I was generally accepted (except those that didn't like people in the military), until I came out again, this time as a conservative/Republican (Full disclosure, I've never voted Republican for anything higher than state rep in the last decade other than participating in the primaries to hopefully get more socially moderate Republicans on the ballot). When I came out as a conservative, I got my fair share of sneers and attacks, people assuming automatically that I supported Bush (I did not), or that I wanted gays to stay second class citizens (I do not), or that I want people to just starve on the streets (I do not).

The third time I came out was as a g0y, which was short lived as I found them to be just as over the top as many of the gay men I despised for telling others who they should be and how they should live their lives. For those that don't know, g0ys are pretty much gay dudes that don't participate in penetrative (anal) sex for various reasons. So my fourth and final time coming out was when, with the help of a counselor and thinking long on who I truly am and where I want to go with my life, I decided to go straight.

So coming out, despite the rhetoric of some in the gay community, wasn't a positive experience for me. It led to more ostracism each and every time I revealed more about who I was. I was made to fear, instead of being liberated of my fear, because I constantly saw the abuse and attacks others in similar situations suffered at the hands of those gay scions who believe that everyone should just live their lives as they dictate.

So back to the original point, it's taken a decade, it's been a rough road, but I've finally come to accept myself as I am, I can now live without fear and concern about being rejected for who I am, because in the end the only person who's approval I need is my own. I'm fine with me, and if others are too, fantastic, and if you still have a problem with me, then there's nothing I can do or say that will change your opinion of me, and I will just have to accept that some people don't have the courage or respect to let others just be themselves. They have to tear others down to their level and make them feel like shit if they don't conform. Ironically, these same people complain about the straight world demanding conformity to gender roles and norms, all the while demanding that their gay brethren conform with the same narrow mentality of a evangelical preacher.

So this is for all of you who feel the same, who feel like you have no where to turn. This is also for those of you who feel that you have to dictate other people's lives for them and can't respect others for traveling a different life path and coming to different decisions about their own lives based on their own experiences.

So where is this "gay tolerance" I've heard so much about? (Gay hypocrisy Example #589)

So yesterday I gave a bit of my story as to why I decided to go straight. That was more focused on the issues dealing with sexual attraction and intimate relationships. I thought I would elaborate more on why I decided to go straight on more the social side.

I didn't really accept I was gay until I was about 20 years old, and about to get out of the military. Up to that point I was hoping it was a phase that would pass, or that I'd get interesting in girls, or something like that. But I never put forth the effort to date women, so I ended up sticking with dudes.

So once I began to come to terms that maybe I was gay, I decided to start getting involved in the community. I didn't get involved until I got out of the military (for fear it might impact my career), but once I got out, I went to clubs, attended a few gay oriented organizations, volunteered with a few of them too, and donated to HRC.

Now, since I was in high school, I've been a conservative guy, leaning Republican on most issues. And despite the fact I was trying to do something good for the "community" and give of myself back to gay related causes, it wasn't good enough because I was a self-hating homo for not being a Liberal/Democrat. Where is it written that I MUST be a Liberal/Democrat? I tried in vain to explain my upbringing, the issues important to me as a person, and my views on the proper role of government only to get attacked over and over for being different. Texas, being a more conservative population in general, was fairly tolerant of me being a conservative, Colorado and Northern Virginia, however, were not. Add to this that I have a great love of all religions (following none in particular myself) so I tend to stand up when someone is attacking another person's religion (or lack thereof as I've defended atheists against religious fundamentalists too). However, standing up for Christians, or even gay Christians also earned me the ire of my so-called peers, who once again, threw out the self-hating label because I wasn't automatically attacking the religions along with them.

Then we get to the masculine versus feminine debate. When I was younger, I had no issue with a persons mannerisms or voice, today, honestly, I still don't really care, I was just never attracted to dudes who were over the top flamboyant and effeminate. So I'm not allowed to have my own preferences, as the self-appointed gay scions state that I should not only be TOTALLY out to everyone I meet - basically introducing myself as gay before I state my name - but that I should be flamboyantly effeminate like them too, even if it would be fake of me to do so, otherwise I'm a self-hating closet case. However, if they don't want to date certain races, heights, ideologies, or appearances, well then they are completely allowed those preferences... And therein lies the hypocrisy that I so detest. How is someone who refuses to date someone different from themselves going to preach to me or anyone else that I should be forced to date someone different from myself?

Getting back to the point of being myself, apparently that was my greatest sin in the "gay community". I want to make it perfectly clear that I started out in the "gay community" completely open-minded to any and all experiences and people of all backgrounds. I fully bought into the idea that the gay community, being on the outskirts of society as a whole, would accept those of all races, creeds, backgrounds, and beliefs. This was my second greatest sin, believing that the diversity and acceptance that gays seek from society as a whole would somehow also apply to those members of the "gay community" itself.

Instead I've endured a decade of being called a self-hating homophobe, a closet case, an evil Republican theofascist (whatever that is), and all sorts of other derogatory comments because I present who I am and mistakenly expected to be accepted as I am. Unfortunately, I have found that the "gay community" wants you to conform to an even greater extent than the heterosexual community. You must meet all the requirements (as I outlined here) in order to be accepted in the gay mainstream. Because I choose to be true to myself and not be someone fake to please the "gay community" I am vilified and ostracized. Apparently, if I were fake, I would be accepted. If I were flamboyantly effeminate, introduced myself as gay to everyone I meet, went to every gay club and event, wore the "right" clothes, and hung out with the "right" people, I would not even have faced the last 10 years of discrimination from the very community that claims to be accepting and tolerant and appreciative of diversity.

So there it is, I could no longer put up with this sort of hypocrisy for a decade. A decade worth of people thinking I have low self esteem and that's why I'm not effeminate, that I'm faking being masculine, that my daddy didn't love me (actually, he took me telling him I was gay better than my mother would have). I had low self esteem because I put up with this type of abuse for a decade from a community with its head so far up its ass and so myopic in its views that there is no hope they will ever achieve anything on their own. I put in my time and effort for gay causes and events. I gave money to the various charities. I took part in the annual events. I was an active participant in the "gay community" until I couldn't stand the constant attacks on myself and those like me who just want to be ourselves and be accepted as we are.

But again, that's too much to ask from the "gay community" which is why I've decided being gay is no longer for me and I know I'm not alone in that view.

Today I decided to go straight

July 12th, 2010 - A day I will remember for the rest of my life.

It was on this day that I came to the realization that being gay/homo is no longer going to be a part of my life. For the last decade I have had only negative experiences with gay dudes, never known love with a single one, and had only losers, users, and abusers as a regular part of my life. With that said, let me recap a short bio of my experiences in the "gay community" so you can better understand why this is a vital choice for the betterment of my future:

When I was 19 I had my first sexual experience. I was in the military and another kid (24 at the time, married with a kid) in my class was pretty friendly with me, we would hang out on a regular basis. One night when his roommate was gone, we hung out in his room and just talked. Eventually the talking got sexual, and we decided to compare ourselves. Then he gave me a hand job. For two weeks after I kept this to myself, struggling with what it meant. I can say I didn't enjoy it, it wasn't bad, but not good either. I finally decided to confide in a mutual friend what had happened, expecting he'd keep it between us. He didn't. The first dude was understandably pissed when he found out I told someone and wanted to beat me up. Thankfully, the situation was diffused, but we were never friendly again after that, and of course, rumors persisted that I was gay and/or trying to get him kicked out. I didn't do anything with another dude for a good 4 months after that. A one nighter with a dude off base.

Several months later, I had my first "boyfriend" that lasted about a month. I was 19 he was 18. Fell in love with me instantly to the point of creepiness. I wanted to end things because I wasn't comfortable with him being that into me, but he threatened to tell my command I was gay and what we did. Thankfully, he couldn't since he didn't know who I worked for (it was a big base anyway and I have a common name).

A few months after that, another "boyfriend" of a month. An effeminate dude that looked nothing like his picture, yet I gave it a shot. That was a bad mistake as he turned out to be an all around loser.

Several months later I dated another dude in the Air Force, he was 10 years older, but again, lasted about a month because he really wasn't comfortable being gay nor ready for a relationship.

From that point on, most of my relationships lasted about one to three months, dating various types of people (fat, skinny, muscular, all races and ages) various backgrounds (military, civilian, students) and various degrees of mental illness (sociopaths, co-dependents, bi-polar, addicts).

After 10 years of this sort of "fun" I decided it's really not that fun anymore. I'm tired of the gay hypocrisy that is prevalent in the gay community that demands conformity to their norms, but attacks you if you are different while complaining to the greater society for not accepting them for being different. I'm tired of the self-appointed "gay scions" who believe that they speak for everyone gay when they attack anyone who holds a different set of ideals or preferences. I'm tired of being called a "self-hating homophobe" when in reality I love myself and everything about me, I just hate being associated with the sort of negativity and stereotypical behavior I outline above and in my other posts.

This brings me to my next and final point. I didn't come about being a homo by being sexually attracted to dudes, which is probably why I have zero attraction to gay dudes at this point. Rather, it first started out as pure envy. I saw those guys in school who I thought were more popular, had better bodies, better lives, etc. I wanted to BE them. I wanted to be them so badly when I would "take care of business" I wouldn't picture myself doing stuff with them, I would picture myself as them.

Come to find out (according to my counselor) that this demonstrates two things: 1. I had a low self esteem (pretty apparent) and 2. That I sought out other guys to fill what I felt I was missing in myself. Now that I've improved my self image and grown my confidence, I've found I have a much lower need for gay men in my life, again, to the point where I am no longer attracted to them. I know that certain gay men won't accept this and say "you're still gay, and always will be!" Well, I disagree merely on the grounds that, again, I have no sexual attraction to them (and technically never really did, I was attracted to what I felt I was missing in my life, not who they were as a person). Now that I am proud of who I am, honestly, I'm the only guy I really find 100% attractive. But I can't really date myself, so there ya go.

Could I find women sexually attractive? I think some are attractive, but time will tell whether or not I can "get it up" for them. It might take time, but I have a decade worth of damage to undo at this point, so I don't expect it to change overnight. I'm going to take it one day at a time, hold my head up high, and work towards undoing the damage that the gay community has done to me, and the torture I've put myself through dealing with their demands and lack of support.

Gay hypocrisy - Example #432-B

(UPDATE: Since I've posted this, I've come to the realization that, in the best interests of my mental health, I no longer want to be associated with homosexuality and will work towards leaving homosexuality behind, that said, this post came from a place of anger at myself and those who I felt were attempting to dictate my life. At this point, I have moved past that anger and internalized homophobia and now just accept that gay people come in all forms, and that most are positive, happy, normal people - with a few negative, hateful, and dysfunctional among them, just as in any given population, and that it was unfair of me to judge the entire population by their most radical and angry examples)

So there is this incredibly effeminate social worker I've been talking to off of "Encountr" (app for smart phones) that finally pissed me off. I was trying to be tolerant before, but when we start down that typical path of "Why can't you accept feminine guys for who they are" type of BS, I get pretty peeved. Why? Because I'm expected to acquiesce to their quirks and flamboyancy, and oftentimes I'm expected to even actively participate, and yet when I want to be my own self, I'm called "closed-minded".

This is why I can't stand gay men. For them it is a lifestyle with all the requirements (see the first post), and if you can't accept those that fit into that category, then you're the evil self-hating homophobe, whereas if they refuse to accept you for your preferences and ideals, they are celebrated among the "gay community"

And that's something else I might expand on later. There is no such thing as a "gay community", the only thing that REALLY unites homosexuals is their shared sexual preference. Beyond that, they are a myriad different sub groups and cliques that are often antagonistic to one another and rarely supportive of any real common cause or progress, unless it's the standard bogey men like Christians, Republicans, conservatives, and heterosexuals in general who don't blindly support GLBT rights.

In other news, I'm seriously considering starting a homo rap group (with anti-gay lyrics, of course). I've got some lyrics bouncing around my head, just need to get them down in my notepad, and maybe find someone that can mix some beats for me.