When I was at the gym today, the song "Broken Bones" from Rev Theory came on my random player (lastfm, great app if you have a smart phone).
Anyway, the song hit me pretty hard and I'm not sure quite why. The lyrics talk about hiding a part of you, fighting against something you can't win, holding on too tight (maybe to the past) and running away from the world outside. It goes on to talk about needing someone else to help mend my broken bones. Anyway, it's a pretty depressing song, for sure, but again, the lyrics hit me pretty hard.
I'm still confused and I know it. I'm tired of being alone, but I don't know what direction to go. Is that someone I need another person (if so is it supposed to be a dude or a chick? Does it ultimately matter what their gender so long as they mean something to my life?), something inside of me, maybe something like God? The gay path made me feel so alone and alienated. I know plenty of people want me to blame myself for that alienation, and I'll admit in the last year, I've moved on from all of it. But before then, I went to the clubs, went to the events, was a part of a few organizations, I was on the gay websites trying to find people to connect with... And it never happened. I won't blame myself for other people's issues, insecurities, or superficiality any longer.
So after ten years of trying to fit into that mold, I don't think it's worth the effort any longer... And yet, part of me feels like that's all I've got, and that depresses me. My best hope in life is to be a part of a culture a community that doesn't want me, doesn't respect me, and oftentimes doesn't even respect itself? That's depressing to think about, it's like being locked away in a prison where all the other inmates hate you, attack you, and having no allies to back you up. That's how I felt for a decade. I know people think that's whining or complaining, but I'm sorry, I tried. I just wasn't "good enough" to be accepted no matter who I was or what I did. I can't change my appearance, I can't make myself taller, I can't go against my core values, I can't change my personality. I can't become whatever person the gay community wanted me to be to accept me as an equal. Lord knows I tried, but ultimately, I didn't fit in, and it's odd that the people who most hated me want me to be gay along with them, as though they feed on misery of others, are miserable themselves, and want everyone else to be miserable with them.
I lived that life for a decade, it didn't bring me happiness, didn't bring me fulfillment, and didn't bring me "love". I refuse to go back to it, to "give it another try" because I know I'll fall right back into the same patterns, devaluing myself, disrespecting myself, and trying to please people who are never satisfied and always looking for "something better".
I just want to be able to be myself, find out what I am, make my own path in life, and if people can't accept that or respect that, I don't need them in my life. It's true I hate being alone, my one fear in life is an uncertain future, but I have to believe that hopefully in the end it will turn out the way it's supposed to be and I'll either find that one person who "completes" me on a personal level, or else find a way to be satisfied being single, but trying to do my part to improve other people's lives as well as my own.
I read a book called "Zen and the Art of Happiness" a few years back, and I wrote down some good quotes out of it. It's tough to live by them and apply them, but I try to do the best I can:
- The Universe does not make mistakes
- A situation only becomes favorable when one adapts to it
- Everything that happens to me is the best possible thing that can happen to me
- The Universe always strikes at your weakest point because that's what most needs strengthening
It's tough to simply let go and let life happen, but that's what I need to learn to do. Again, I have to believe that whatever happens to me is all for the best. My life has been rough so far, but for some reason, I'm still here. I'll try to make the best of it... In the end, that's all I can do.
