So I figure more importantly than figuring out what I want out of life is to figure out who I am now and where I want to be. Once I've established that foundation, I can move on to building on that and moving forward in my life.
So here's what I am NOT:
I am not some sort of ultra-Christian, I did not grow up in a conservative/religious family, my father is a very strong and positive figure in my life, and in fact, my family has many openly gay members in it and is supportive to those folks. Despite that sort of background, I ultimately feel that homosexuality is not the right choice for me. That said, I am not the sort to say that being gay is wrong, immoral, unnatural, etc. etc. I know it's wrong for me, but other people can be totally happy being homosexual, and hey, more power to them! If they have found happiness with that path of life, I applaud them. For me, I know it was a lie, not only to myself, but to those I was involved with and those I associated with.
Here's what I am:
I am human, I am imperfect, I have made lots of mistakes in my life, and hurt many people both through my words and actions, on purpose and inadvertently. I have held a lot of hate in my heart for myself and what I thought I was and others around me, most of whom didn't deserve it (and a few who in fact did). But even if they deserved it, it's better to just ignore them, hold my head high, and realize that those who attack others (including myself) are just hurting inside themselves and haven't come to terms with their personal issues. I'm working through that hate and anger now, I've addressed a lot of it directed toward myself and I am more comfortable with who I am now, and slowly I'm coming to accept others as well whom I previously avoided.
What I want to be:
I want to be a complete person, on my own, without the need of others to complete me. I'm almost there now, it will only take a little more work to accomplish this goal mentally, and then I'll work on it socially too. I want to be a positive example to others, no matter their orientation. I want to be someone others can look up to, come to for help, and who people rely on when they feel they have no where else to turn. I want to be that refuge in a storm for those who feel like they are tossed about by the currents of life. I see my trainer as a positive example in his way. He's open minded, supportive, encouraging, and overall a good guy. I see my buddy Garret as a role model, he's friendly to everyone, non-judgmental, funny, and laid back, letting life happen and taking it as it comes. I want to be more like these guys, and I feel like I'm getting there little by little. There's just a little more darkness in my heart to get rid of, but not too much more really.
Confidence, positivity, openness, friendly, laid back... These are my goals for self-development.
