For myself, and quite a few men I've met like me, our attraction appears to stem from the same combination of factors: rejection/acceptance, low self esteem, and lack of internalized masculinity. Often these factors are combined in various ways and various strengths, but can often be traced back to a particular event or circumstance in our pasts. For myself, mine stems from not really connecting with my father due to our family problems (though today I have a great relationship with him, it's just something I missed out on growing up) and not being accepted by my male peers. I had a few male friends growing up, but having to move almost every year of my life prohibited me from developing deep relationships with those other boys. So constantly being the "new kid" in school, I had to start over again at the bottom of the social hierarchy to determine where I fit in. By the time I hit high school, I just stopped trying to develop deep friendships and never really connected to anyone on a long term basis.
Growing up I was always the smallest kid in class more often than not, in both height and weight. This affected my self esteem, naturally, as I felt inferior to those taller or more athletic guys around me. My attraction to other men was not an attraction to them as a person, but rather to those qualities I felt I lacked in myself (as I've discussed on this blog several times in the past). Recognizing that this is the root cause of my attraction to other men, I was able to develop strategies to counter it, the main one being simply that recognition and the realization from my past that nothing positive will come from seeking out superficial qualities in other males, as I won't magically absorb those qualities into myself just by having sex with them. What WILL happen, however, is that I will get my rocks off, I'll be a one night stand, and I'll feel miserable after wards because I allowed myself to be used for sex and I used another person to temporarily fulfill my needs by making me feel "complete" for however long our sexual experience lasted.
I would much rather have a permanent solution to that "completeness", so now I see the qualities in other men that I desire, and I try to emulate them if possible. In other words, I try to develop my own innate sense of masculinity based on the qualities I would have sought out in sexual partners in the past. Sometimes this isn't possible, for example, my two greatest role models at this point in my life are my trainer and Tim Tebow. My trainer is about my height, so I could get up to his size, and I am actually in the process of working on that, so he's not as much of a stretch to emulate as Tim Tebow, who stands 6'2" and 245lbs. Proportionally, I would have to weight about 215lbs to match him, and that's just kinda too big. But he has other qualities that I CAN emulate: his ambitions and goals, his openness and courage, and in some respects, his spirituality.
In either case, that's not to say I want to be 100% like them. Neither role model is perfect, nor do I expect perfection in my role models or even myself. What I see in them is a complete individual who I can strive to be like, who despite their setbacks, they've accomplished a lot in their lives, and are trying to be the best people they can be. Ultimately these qualities are far more important than simply the physical. I will admit that the physical does play into my conception of masculinity that I seek for myself, but that isn't the only way I define masculinity. For me, masculinity isn't just muscles, it's personal responsibility, dedication to improve, and love of those important to you - a true and deeply abiding love that comes from the heart, not the groin.
So ultimately we must learn to develop ourselves and our identities to the point where we become our own role models. We must be able to wake up and look in the mirror and admire ourselves (not in a narcissistic way) for both our strengths and weaknesses. For our successes and struggles. I made this quote earlier this week and I think it would apply to anyone, but especially those in our situation:
Challenge yourself to be more than you thought possible, dream beyond your previously conceived limitations, strive to achieve perfect harmony with your failures and successes, and never look to your past as a mirror or your future as an illusion. You are you, go be the best you that you can be!
Likewise, on the way home I heard this on the radio. Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon. The lyrics, in a strange way, are somewhat applicable if you think of it in the terms above. That we see someone that we want to be, but what we need to do is learn to see ourselves in that way so that we no longer need someone else to fill that role.
Most importantly, the very end of that video has a message I think speaks volumes to those of us struggling and trying to overcome this issue.
