(Updated 7/25/2010)
So I've been thinking the last few days whether or not being homosexual is a choice, whether I can choose to change my orientation to heterosexual or even bisexual, and what this will all mean in the end. Life is a journey and we have to make it on our own ultimately. Sure there are people there along the way who help point us in the right direction, are there for support when we feel hurt or lost, or who are there to just lend whatever help they are able to.
And then there are those who seek to dictate your life for you and attack you, despite trying to become a better person and figure yourself out and define yourself as you choose.
For example, I had the following five comments from two individuals who frequent the message boards of the gay social networking website called Connexion. These individuals claim to be supportive of homosexuals trying to come to terms with their sexuality and find their place in life, however, how supportive do these comments sound?
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1. And why are you chatting with him? Do you feel like you can somehow make him butch it up? You sound like an 'ex-gay' therapist. This is all very Freudian
(Doug) 5:02 PM
2. the reality is that you have spent years being intolerant to "effeminate" gay men, stereotypical gay men, and flamboyant guys.
why? because you're a wimp who hates yourself.
you complain and bitch because you're a fucking wimp and the only people who support you are guys just like you who also hate themselves.
you're going to be a victim all your life.
(Little Kiwi) 1:53 PM
3. BWAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
(Little Kiwi) 1:51 PM
4. you're a complete fucking coward.
(Little Kiwi) 1:43 PM
5. you're a hypocrite. you complain that "gay scions" dictated your life. you're a liar.
you spread anti-gay bigotry. you spread hatred toward effeminate guys, flamboyant guys, stereotypical guys. you still do.
we simply called you out on the harm YOU are inflicting.
you're a coward. you'll live as a coward, you'll die as a coward.
buh bye , wimp :D
(Little Kiwi) 1:41 PM
6. great to finally be rid of you!
by the way, there's this video on youtube with all sorts of pictures of YOU talking in voiceover about how much you love sucking black cock, and you tooootally have a lisp in it, and sound like a little girl
. have you seen it?
it's pretty funny.
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10
7. you're a bigot with no balls! wassup girly-girl!?
how's the pussy tasting these days?
:D
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10
Funny thing is, this dude is so obsessed with me that he's using old stuff I've said to attack me on HIS blog. Sad that people are that narrow minded and hateful that they can't grow up. It disappoints me that he's the same age as me. But hey, I still have all the positive feedback below.
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Now there was a time I let such comments get to me, I let them anger me, upset me, make me hate gay people even more. I thought to myself, if this is what the gay community is going to throw at me for being myself, why bother? I'm not going to be happy if I have to define myself by the terms of negative people like that.
Thankfully, not everyone was so hateful and hypocritical to me. For every negative person that sought to dictate who I should be and how I should live my life, there were a dozen more that supported me in my efforts to try to become a better person and figure myself out, no matter what path I end up taking in life.
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1. Hey Jay,
I just read your blog from yesterday and that was pretty incredible.
I was out with one of my best girl friends the other night and she kept asking me what was wrong, and my answer was that I'm not attracted to gay guys. She didn't understand me.
Anyway, I really related to your post and am relieved that I'm not alone.
Hope you're having a good week!
2. lol dont worry if some fem guys act retarded some of them are complete idiots anyway and think everyone wants them and the only reason they prolly bash you is because you actually dont want them and that drives some fem boys up the wall..continue to be yourself hun and stick with what you believe =D have a great day
(this was from a totally out and self described femme guy)
3. Good luck. I have tried serveral times to go straight. Once this winter but I keep going back to men. I like woman and do not mind sex with them but I also enjoy sex with men.
Hopefully you will be ok and will be successful. I would think it will be hard convincing all the people who know you are gay that you are now straight.
4. How's it going? I've been reading the responses that you received from your question regarding a gay man turning straight and I just wanted to send you this email to wish you good luck and I hope you find happiness in your life. I feel that I might be in a similar situation as you find yourself in. Right now, I am a little confused with regards to my sexuality. While I haven't had sex with a woman, my first kiss was with a girl and I sent to prom and homecoming in high school with a girl. Growing up in the back of my mind, I've always wondered what it would be like being with a guy. I didn't have my first sexual experience with a guy until I was a junior in college. After college, I continued to mess around with guys every now and then. I really don't have a lot of experience with a guy. I've found girls attractive and I even had straight porn in college and I was fantasizing being with a woman.
It would be nice to have a family. I've never been a part of the gay community either. All of my friends are straight and they would never suspect that I like guys. I am masculine and just come across as a regular dude. I too have grown increasingly frustrated with not finding a masculine gay dude who love sports and just is a regular guy. I am tired of one night stands and I would like to date someone but it's been tough for me to find a dude who is similar to me. So, I don't know what I am going to do. I may just give up searching for a while with the hope that the person will find me.
5. I absolutely love your responses. You are teaching me something quite significant in my life right now. (Though I should be bed lol)
The way I see you, Jay.. Would be a man with bravery.
I do not know how you are doing this, but it sure takes something to actually do it. Like I said, I could never say that I am going straight because that would be lying, on your part.. I say you know exactly what you are doing. Only one can know for sure.
Sure everyone makes mistakes! Sure everyone changes, but not everyone finds their true self at the end of the tunnel when it comes to big situations like these. Situations that can change your life for sure!
This amazes me! Makes me sad to hear that you are kind of giving up. or changing or whatever it is that you are doing.
But whatever it is, I am pretty sure it is right. I support you! You seem like a great man, you can be a good husband for a good wife. I wish you the best of luck. You make me want to keep digging for the man of my life.
But as hard as I may scratch and dig, I may never find that person.
Gays are just plain rude and mean, so there have been times in my life where I give in too. But I make sure to say that I am going to be asexual, and as funny as I may sound. I am guess I am being true to myself.
(This one from another totally out effeminate dude)
6. Hey man...I just wanted to say you have a very interesting POV in your blogs. I'm sorry that some folks in the community have made it difficult. I have continually tried to associate myself with various aspects of the community and quickly learned that the gay community is full of hypocrites...they want acceptance and equality when we cant even find that within our own community often times. I definitely fall into some of the stereotypes (live in capitol hill, shop like its my job) but i also learned that the only way im ever going to be happy is to just be myself and be happy with myself.
Sorry for my random rambling, but i definitely respect what you're doing and your take on life. Hope you don't mind but i bookmarked your blog because you have a great strong voice and i think there are a lot of folks out there that need to hear a lot of what you have to say.
7. our "community" tends to be superficial and like to call masculines cowards because were not an annoyance with sexuality. ive had bad time being out but cant change the fact that i like guys. i know its hard 4 me to find a guy unless hes fem. but i dont like girlish guys. so id rather be alone.
man, whatever makes your life better then thats what you should do . remember my opinon, and connexion browers opinon mean nothing because your the one living your life. stressing yourself out isnt good either because when i thought about this it kept me unfocus and i lost a lot, sorry to be vague.
8. Just wanna say I admire your courage and determination I know its been a tough road I myself often wish i was str8 how much easier life would be but I cant deny who I am regardless of that there are times I want to have sex with a women just to prove im str8 to myself and others i have friends and co workers who dont think im gay but i know deep down i am and i think part of it was how i was brought up well im going to be bed now im exhusted but your post was inspiring i wish you the best of luck on your journey i hope you find yourself in the end and most of all I hope it makes you happy only you can make yourself happy man take care
9. I read your post and your blog and am really sorry you had to go through all that. I feel your pain. It seems on the gay side of things I don't really fit in either. I don't enjoy the clubs, and over sexualizing myself, most of the things usually associated with. I've been trying to build relationships with guys and they seem to always turn out the way you describe, obsessive to the point its scary, emotionally abusive, and such. I understand why you feel the way you do. I want nothing more to just be able to find a girl and settle down and start a family. But most of the girls I come by I have zero interest in. As to just deciding to be straight on my part I'm not sure. I feel I'll always be attracted to guys. I sometimes think that if I did or could switch over how would things change? What if these are just the people I attract in life. I've had a few girlfriends and they seemed to be oddly similar to the guys in the sense of obsession and all that. I'm not exactly sure what I'm getting at so I will stop here and not waste anymore of your time. So have a good day and thanks for reading. I really hope everything works out for you and you find what you're looking for. We all deserve a taste of happiness.
10. Hey Jay,
I didnt have a chance to read you whole blog or any of the comments you got on your Q&Q. But... I however am going thru something pretty similar. I was raised Mormon, even went to BYU and on a mission for the church. After all that I decided that since I had thought I was gay for the past 10 years and never acted upon it, I would. I began to go to clubs, date, sleep with guys, etc. Finally I got to the point of live in boyfriends and pretty much living a life exclusively dedicated to my sexuality, shutting out the straight world completely.
I have not been as close with my family, college friends, or religion as I would like to be. I am not as liberal as I see the majority of the LGBQT community and often times I feel rejected because I voted for McCain or I dont oppose the new law in Arizona (being from there originally I know it is not what the media has blown it up to) in short, my life has been pretty much hell ever since I decided to act upon my gay desires. I am more sexually attracted to men then women, its true, but I do believe I can find a woman that I will love and be attracted to. And if she accepts me with the past I have, then I dont think I will look back at all.
I dont drink or use drugs, I dont like to go out and get crazy on tuesday nights before work, or take Atlantis cruises... I dont feel like I will be missing a lot except maybe a physical attraction. Which for me is now seeming less and less important. (especially since most the guys I end up dating are not my idea of perfect physically either) I hope you can make the change and that life is good to you. Id love to hear how it goes, I expect my transition will take some time but I plan on making it.
11. congrats! i think i could go back to being straight too but i like guys too much. already ruined one woman's life and don't want to head there again. you touched on something that i don't think a lot of gay guys like - the idea that they can change their orientation. i think you can. i might join you one day cause so far i have faced a lot of shit and not too much i like about being gay.
12. I just wanted to tell you that what you're doing is very brave and kind. It takes a good person to want to do what you're doing and I just wanted to applaud you for it. Although I dont agree with some of you beliefs. But then again I don't know what you're feeling. Keep doing what you're doing!
13. There are several things that I feel like I can relate to in regards to your past experiences. Sometimes I wonder whether it would be in my best interest to go straight. I'd love to have a family. My only issue is that I know I'm attracted to guys. Unfortunately, I'm not attracted to the gay lifestyle. It's really hard to be a misfit in a misfit society. Kudos to you
14. Hey man,
I read your blog. Interesting stuff. Sounds like you've been through alot!
It just doesn't sound like you've had a very good experience in the gay community.
If you're into reading books you might check out these two books:
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Out-Freedom-Matter-Closeted/dp/0757303927/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_2
http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Things-Improve-Their-Lives/dp/1555837824/ref=pd_sim_b_15
If you happen to read them, let me know. It would be cool to discuss them.
Based on your blog, they may be helpful, regardless of the path you choose.
The first book especially has an entire chapter where the author is really frustrated with the gay community and talks about how we dealt with it when he was around 30 years old after he'd come out in his early-to-mid twenties.
Are you familiar with the Kinsey scale (0-totally heterosexual to 6-totally homosexual)?
Do you fall somewhere in between? If so, you can probably be straight...
Best of luck
15. do what you want to do man. it's your life and you have your own free will to do what you think is best for you. actually i thought about it and also wanted to be straight, too bad... i cant...
i am not sexually active now. maybe because i wanted to change myself into someone better. not long ago, ive been really really bad. haha!
go man! live your life well.
16. I think getting flak one way or the other is ridiculous...nobody knows your sexual orientation other than you, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'd imagine gays are afraid of having even a single counter-example to the claim "being gay is immutable and inherent" and that's driving whatever animosity you've found.
I'm not going to get into second-guessing why you've gone back and forth, that's for your heart, head, and genitals to lead you as you see fit, but I wish you luck in trying to find sexual and relationship happiness in your life, whether that involves being gay, straight, bi, poly, asexual, transgender, monagamous, a total slut, or whatever combination of the above you can figure out
17. Jay, after reading your blog, i can understand why you feel the need to try the straight life. I also can see why you feel the gay community hasn't been wholly accepting of you since you don't "act" like traditional homosexuals do.
In those regards, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG with leaning republican and not telling every single person you meet you're gay. I myself, am completely out, and make it no secret, I also lean left politically... but that doesn't give me, or ANYONE the right to tell you how to live YOUR life. I wish I could apologize for all those who berate you and talk down to you for being true to yourself - whatever that may be (gay,bi,straight,a-sexual).
I wish you the best of luck in your venture, and hope you find happiness where ever it may lie for you.
You have my full support, and if you ever wanna chat about what you're going through, feel free to mail/IM me at any time Jay.
18. Sounds to me like you have an issue with the gay "community" than coping with your own sexuality based on your latest blog entry. Why don't you just be yourself and *%@$ the gay community. You should not feel pressured to be someone you are not. I could care less what other gay men think of me as to whether I wear the proper gay attire. I don't aspire to be gay, I aspire to be myself and being gay is a part of who I am much like being a Catholic is a part of who I am. Now does being gay have some affect on how I come across, yes. But I don't introduce myself as "My name is _____ and I'm gay" to every person that I meet (though some within the community would prefer this). It sounds like this is really the issue at hand with a combination of self-esteem issues. You may have had a miserable 10 years, but your young and still have time to embrace the beauty of your own sexuality. Explore, consult, learn who you are, gay or straight, be yourself and don't worry what others think.
19. Thats actually really cool that you're trying to be happy, no matter what it's about. Maybe the "gay community" here has no right to be a bitch like that. What i've learned though is that not the whole world is like that and u dont have to b limited to the united states. But i dont see anythung wrong with u turning straight. I personally wish u good luck on ur journey =)
20. Whatever decide I hope for the best for you!
Just like there are different types of straight people, there are many different types of gay people. Being straight or gay is based purely on sexuality, not on how you dress, act, believe, etc.
In the end, look deep inside and imagine the type of person you want to be in love with. If it's a man, great. If it's a woman, thats great too.
Labels are for tin cans, not people. Love who you want to love and fuck what everyone else says.
21. I do have a friend who feels the same way in the present day. As a tell him, ill tell you Jay, there are lots of guys who are "not into the scene", which sounds like your describing.
My friend will not identify as a "gay community participant" any longer. He listens to death metal for yrs, now in his 40's, talk about not fitting in.
After yrs of being a semi activist (ive been officially out for 15 yrs now), i too have grown tired of of "trying to fit in", somewhere within the confines of the community, and ive tried them all except drug scene, i was never into that even before i came out officially.
While my friend has even noticed the slight change ive made as far as being all up in community standards, he is really struggling with, like your same issues.
I took a different approach, im just chillin from all activities associated with the community, but, im still gay, enjoy the company of men, hot men and one day hope to meet the right one. Point is, dont lose yourself and who you really are. You can be gay, attracted to men but not participate in any thing the gay community has to offer, nobody says you have to, my friend has threatened and even i have said a few times i should try being straight and do things a straight guys would do, but been there, done that already (before coming out).
I really do think its about accepting yourself, as part of the coming out process, most guys i know went through the self loathing/self hating stage, some guys i know either drank or drug themselves up to the point they couldnt function anymore.
Separate the "community" and your own sexual feelings, you maybe still gay but you dont need the baggage. If a women and the lifestyle that comes with being straight appeals to you, (including sex with her), try it and see.
Like i said, been there done that and im happy being a gay man, but not too happy with the community that comes with it.
Let us know how your change is going.
22. Jay- I think everyone is different in their own way. I don't think I have the right to sit here and tell you its right or wrong for you to live whatever life you wanna live. I can relate though and say that being gay feels like a weight on my shoulders or like a ball and chain hooked to my ankle. Matter of fact when I read the part "Ive made the determination to go straight, I already feel better about myself and my future" I took a big breath and let it out, and for a moment sat in your shoes. I commend you for figuring out what makes you happy. Right now for me i'm sticking with it, finding those who love me for being what so many people think of us as.. the scum of the earth. Trying to be a positive representative for the gay community, and once I feel my quest is over I just might find myself in the same boat as you! Goin straight! Do your thing Jay, go wherever your heart desires and worry about what "you" want, not anyone else. Its your heart so follow it wherever you want. I'll be here for you.
23. In a way I can understand what you're saying and feeling. I can't say that being gay and coming to terms with it and all has been the best experience of my life. In many ways I have never felt so unwanted, unloved, demoralized and humiliated among other things. I have been told by guys that I would have to pay them to spend time with me, that I should just go hire a hooker, that I should even turn straight because no guy would ever want me. It can be a very cruel world. But for better or for worse, whether anyone likes it or not, I'm gay. It just is what it is.
That said, I can't say I fault you for what you're doing. It's your decision and you have to do what you feel is right. All I can say is that I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for and that in the end it is worth it.
24. Uh maybe you are just bi and thats ok! You can only do for yourself what you think is best and what makes you happy! I say if you think this is what you want go for it.
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So I got a wide range of support from all different types of people, some masculine, some feminine, all different races and locations, all different ages and experiences in the gay community. I would be happy to say that, knowing that there ARE supportive people in the gay community (and that the most vocal and negative, angry, and hurtful people do not speak for these individuals or the community as a whole), if it turns out at the end of this journey that I am in fact gay, or even bisexual, I'm glad to know that I will nonetheless find supportive people both inside the gay community (these folks above) and outside (my close friends and others important in my life).
It's good to know that one doesn't have to live by the dictates of the gay scions who seek to represent all the gay community when they are poor representations of themselves. The gay community is truly diverse, and on balance, more welcoming than divisive so long as one ignores the dictates of those who seek to define your life for you in their terms.
So gay, straight, bi, or what have you, everyone should be free to travel life's path, make their own choices, experience the ups and downs, but in the end, we must respect one another and offer as much support as we can to each other, no matter our choices in life. I know I haven't been respectful in the past to those I felt repulsed by, but that's unfortunate, as I saw them through the lens of the hate I got from the gay scions who are pretty much the largest balls of negativity in the gay community. Had I met their opposites on a regular basis, the down to earth, respectful, and accepting gay men of all backgrounds, my homophobia would have been non-existent.
But instead, the more these angry and hurtful people pushed me to be what they wanted me to be, the more I resisted, and the more I hated them, and I falsely believed they represented the gay mainstream, so I ended up hating the gay community as a whole by extension. I realize now that was wrong of me. A vast majority of gay people (masculine, feminine, old, young, black, Latino, white, liberal, conservative, and everything in between) are pretty damn open-minded to people different from them, accepting of diverse experiences and points of view, and welcoming to everyone no matter their situation in life. I only wish I had experienced that sooner, I would have not had to experience so much hate and anger towards people who really didn't deserve it as they wanted me to just be myself, not tell me who I should be or define me in their terms.
So with that life lesson under my belt, I am trying to impart it on others as well, gay, straight, and bi. People should be judged as individuals, not by the community they belong to or those who believe themselves to represent the community as a whole. Again, a vast majority are highly supportive, and only seek a live and let live approach to life, letting others make their own decisions in life and define themselves as they choose in whatever way brings them the most happiness.
In the end, when you compare the hatred from the first two completely negative and unsupportive people to the positive support from the next 24, it's apparent that most gay folks are pretty damn nice people. I'm not sure where my life's journey will take me when I'm done, but if I end up straight or bi, I have a more positive view of the gay community than I probably would have had if I had only let the most negative individuals represent my impression of the gay community. If I come to determine that I am gay and I can't change it, then likewise, at least I'm glad to know that there ARE kind and supportive people in the community who won't tell me who I should be and attack me for not doing as they demand.
That said, I wish everyone a fantastic week, I hope the best for everyone reading this, and I hope we all find the happiness we deserve in life.
Peace, Love, and Fuzzy Puppies
-- Jay
