So met with my personal trainer this afternoon, I've been talking to him about this stuff for the last few weeks. He's a real understanding guy, so I respect his advice and his perspective. He's got a twin that's gay, or at least is going through that phase, but beyond that he doesn't know the first thing about that aspect of what I've gone through. Despite that, he's an open-minded guy who's given me a lot of good advice over the last few months and someone I really look up to like my best friend Garret.
Anyway, so I've been thinking about what I'm going to do now to meet women, get interested in them, develop a relationship, and of course, get to the point I can get sexual with them. That's the main things I have to figure out over the next few months of trial and error.
Something I haven't revealed to many people or on this blog yet is this. Growing up my first two decades, I was constantly failed by the women in my life I was supposed to be able to trust. So my mother abandoned me with my father when I was 13 (her boyfriends were more important to her than I was), my step mother was pretty abusive verbally and mentally (we've since come to terms with our pasts and we get along now), my sister in law (my brother's first wife) was a total b**** to me growing up, and my "sister" (technical half sister, which she constantly reminded people when I was introduced) never accepted this "white boy" (chihonkey she called me) as her brother. So these women who were supposed to be somewhat important in my life, that I was supposed to feel secure and safe with, at every turn they ended up hurting me when I was too young to defend myself. That led to a lot of fears and resentment of women, which combined with all the other issues I dealt with growing up, sort of made the perfect storm of low self esteem and self doubt that led me down a path of lying to myself and others when it came to my sexuality.
Over the last few months, I've sort of defrosted my heart to women. I'm beginning to trust a few close ones in my life: my friend Garret's girlfriend, my boss, my step mother. I don't know how close I am to the point that I could trust women enough to be intimate with women in general, but that's something that will come in time I'm sure.
So outside of that, I've been re-reading a book called "How to Be An Alpha Male" by a guy named John Alexander. I first bought it when I lived in DC because it seemed that you needed a lot of confidence to get anywhere, and the general confidence advice in the book would pretty much apply to any man of any sexuality. But I'm re-reading it now to try to get prepped for how I need to handle the "fairer sex" because let's face it, technically I'm a 28 year old (almost 29) virgin.
Anyway, I feel more self confident now, like how I look (but can always improve), like my career, I am confident in who I am and my knowledge and skills. I know that rejection will happen with women all the same as it has with dudes, but I'm kinda to the point where I can just shrug it off. Besides, like the Alpha Male book says, you can't take rejection personally, if they don't want to spend time with you and get to know you, then that's their loss, not yours.
Beyond that, I'm trying to decide what I'm going to do in regards to meeting women. My personal trainer suggested going for cougars. They are generally not looking for a commitment, have a lot of experience, and would be a good way of getting my feet wet, so to speak. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be interested in dating a cougar long term, but his advice makes sense since experience is what I need, and a lot of it as quickly as possible. It's just a matter of re-wiring my thought patterns to get "in the mood" with women, since I've got years of the psychological block due to trust issues. I don't think it would be healthy to go jumping into sexual relationships though, right off the bat, until I do get more comfortable trusting women in general.
So before I try for cougars, I think I should focus my efforts on developing maybe even just platonic relationships with women, moving on from there to more intimate relationships. The one thing I do have to be careful of is not getting pegged as the "friend", since that won't allow me to grow beyond that level in most cases. Chances are I will take things very slowly with any women I date, and as my PT suggests, I should date a handful of women at the same time. I agree, since that will give me a wide range of interactions and experiences and let me learn faster what it is I like and don't like when it comes to relationships with women.
I have considered possibly posting back online looking for women, but something about that just doesn't sit well with me considering my experience with guys online and various dating sites. I'd much rather meet them through my friends or I might consider getting involved with some organizations again that mesh with my interests and allow me to show off my confidence. The book also suggests yoga classes since that is mostly women too, with the added health benefits that come with it. I used to do some yoga classes and I've been thinking of getting back into it, so I might start that up too.
In the end there are a wide variety of options available to me, far more than were available as a "gay man". Hell, just consider the math, if women make up half the population, and gay/bi men only 5-10%, that gives me only one tenth of half the population to choose from, then you have to consider the factors of age, interests, chemistry, and by the time that's said and done, I have less than one one hundreth of a percent of the population to choose from as a "gay man". Whereas as a straight man, I have half the population, and then when you factor in demographics, interest, and chemistry, I probably still have at least 10% of the population to choose from.
Anyway, I'm rambling, I need to get some stuff packed for my move, just wanted to get my thoughts down while they were still fresh in my mind.
Peace, love, and Japanese beer!
-- Jay
