So yesterday I gave a bit of my story as to why I decided to go straight. That was more focused on the issues dealing with sexual attraction and intimate relationships. I thought I would elaborate more on why I decided to go straight on more the social side.
I didn't really accept I was gay until I was about 20 years old, and about to get out of the military. Up to that point I was hoping it was a phase that would pass, or that I'd get interesting in girls, or something like that. But I never put forth the effort to date women, so I ended up sticking with dudes.
So once I began to come to terms that maybe I was gay, I decided to start getting involved in the community. I didn't get involved until I got out of the military (for fear it might impact my career), but once I got out, I went to clubs, attended a few gay oriented organizations, volunteered with a few of them too, and donated to HRC.
Now, since I was in high school, I've been a conservative guy, leaning Republican on most issues. And despite the fact I was trying to do something good for the "community" and give of myself back to gay related causes, it wasn't good enough because I was a self-hating homo for not being a Liberal/Democrat. Where is it written that I MUST be a Liberal/Democrat? I tried in vain to explain my upbringing, the issues important to me as a person, and my views on the proper role of government only to get attacked over and over for being different. Texas, being a more conservative population in general, was fairly tolerant of me being a conservative, Colorado and Northern Virginia, however, were not. Add to this that I have a great love of all religions (following none in particular myself) so I tend to stand up when someone is attacking another person's religion (or lack thereof as I've defended atheists against religious fundamentalists too). However, standing up for Christians, or even gay Christians also earned me the ire of my so-called peers, who once again, threw out the self-hating label because I wasn't automatically attacking the religions along with them.
Then we get to the masculine versus feminine debate. When I was younger, I had no issue with a persons mannerisms or voice, today, honestly, I still don't really care, I was just never attracted to dudes who were over the top flamboyant and effeminate. So I'm not allowed to have my own preferences, as the self-appointed gay scions state that I should not only be TOTALLY out to everyone I meet - basically introducing myself as gay before I state my name - but that I should be flamboyantly effeminate like them too, even if it would be fake of me to do so, otherwise I'm a self-hating closet case. However, if they don't want to date certain races, heights, ideologies, or appearances, well then they are completely allowed those preferences... And therein lies the hypocrisy that I so detest. How is someone who refuses to date someone different from themselves going to preach to me or anyone else that I should be forced to date someone different from myself?
Getting back to the point of being myself, apparently that was my greatest sin in the "gay community". I want to make it perfectly clear that I started out in the "gay community" completely open-minded to any and all experiences and people of all backgrounds. I fully bought into the idea that the gay community, being on the outskirts of society as a whole, would accept those of all races, creeds, backgrounds, and beliefs. This was my second greatest sin, believing that the diversity and acceptance that gays seek from society as a whole would somehow also apply to those members of the "gay community" itself.
Instead I've endured a decade of being called a self-hating homophobe, a closet case, an evil Republican theofascist (whatever that is), and all sorts of other derogatory comments because I present who I am and mistakenly expected to be accepted as I am. Unfortunately, I have found that the "gay community" wants you to conform to an even greater extent than the heterosexual community. You must meet all the requirements (as I outlined here) in order to be accepted in the gay mainstream. Because I choose to be true to myself and not be someone fake to please the "gay community" I am vilified and ostracized. Apparently, if I were fake, I would be accepted. If I were flamboyantly effeminate, introduced myself as gay to everyone I meet, went to every gay club and event, wore the "right" clothes, and hung out with the "right" people, I would not even have faced the last 10 years of discrimination from the very community that claims to be accepting and tolerant and appreciative of diversity.
So there it is, I could no longer put up with this sort of hypocrisy for a decade. A decade worth of people thinking I have low self esteem and that's why I'm not effeminate, that I'm faking being masculine, that my daddy didn't love me (actually, he took me telling him I was gay better than my mother would have). I had low self esteem because I put up with this type of abuse for a decade from a community with its head so far up its ass and so myopic in its views that there is no hope they will ever achieve anything on their own. I put in my time and effort for gay causes and events. I gave money to the various charities. I took part in the annual events. I was an active participant in the "gay community" until I couldn't stand the constant attacks on myself and those like me who just want to be ourselves and be accepted as we are.
But again, that's too much to ask from the "gay community" which is why I've decided being gay is no longer for me and I know I'm not alone in that view.
