July 12th, 2010 - A day I will remember for the rest of my life.
It was on this day that I came to the realization that being gay/homo is no longer going to be a part of my life. For the last decade I have had only negative experiences with gay dudes, never known love with a single one, and had only losers, users, and abusers as a regular part of my life. With that said, let me recap a short bio of my experiences in the "gay community" so you can better understand why this is a vital choice for the betterment of my future:
When I was 19 I had my first sexual experience. I was in the military and another kid (24 at the time, married with a kid) in my class was pretty friendly with me, we would hang out on a regular basis. One night when his roommate was gone, we hung out in his room and just talked. Eventually the talking got sexual, and we decided to compare ourselves. Then he gave me a hand job. For two weeks after I kept this to myself, struggling with what it meant. I can say I didn't enjoy it, it wasn't bad, but not good either. I finally decided to confide in a mutual friend what had happened, expecting he'd keep it between us. He didn't. The first dude was understandably pissed when he found out I told someone and wanted to beat me up. Thankfully, the situation was diffused, but we were never friendly again after that, and of course, rumors persisted that I was gay and/or trying to get him kicked out. I didn't do anything with another dude for a good 4 months after that. A one nighter with a dude off base.
Several months later, I had my first "boyfriend" that lasted about a month. I was 19 he was 18. Fell in love with me instantly to the point of creepiness. I wanted to end things because I wasn't comfortable with him being that into me, but he threatened to tell my command I was gay and what we did. Thankfully, he couldn't since he didn't know who I worked for (it was a big base anyway and I have a common name).
A few months after that, another "boyfriend" of a month. An effeminate dude that looked nothing like his picture, yet I gave it a shot. That was a bad mistake as he turned out to be an all around loser.
Several months later I dated another dude in the Air Force, he was 10 years older, but again, lasted about a month because he really wasn't comfortable being gay nor ready for a relationship.
From that point on, most of my relationships lasted about one to three months, dating various types of people (fat, skinny, muscular, all races and ages) various backgrounds (military, civilian, students) and various degrees of mental illness (sociopaths, co-dependents, bi-polar, addicts).
After 10 years of this sort of "fun" I decided it's really not that fun anymore. I'm tired of the gay hypocrisy that is prevalent in the gay community that demands conformity to their norms, but attacks you if you are different while complaining to the greater society for not accepting them for being different. I'm tired of the self-appointed "gay scions" who believe that they speak for everyone gay when they attack anyone who holds a different set of ideals or preferences. I'm tired of being called a "self-hating homophobe" when in reality I love myself and everything about me, I just hate being associated with the sort of negativity and stereotypical behavior I outline above and in my other posts.
This brings me to my next and final point. I didn't come about being a homo by being sexually attracted to dudes, which is probably why I have zero attraction to gay dudes at this point. Rather, it first started out as pure envy. I saw those guys in school who I thought were more popular, had better bodies, better lives, etc. I wanted to BE them. I wanted to be them so badly when I would "take care of business" I wouldn't picture myself doing stuff with them, I would picture myself as them.
Come to find out (according to my counselor) that this demonstrates two things: 1. I had a low self esteem (pretty apparent) and 2. That I sought out other guys to fill what I felt I was missing in myself. Now that I've improved my self image and grown my confidence, I've found I have a much lower need for gay men in my life, again, to the point where I am no longer attracted to them. I know that certain gay men won't accept this and say "you're still gay, and always will be!" Well, I disagree merely on the grounds that, again, I have no sexual attraction to them (and technically never really did, I was attracted to what I felt I was missing in my life, not who they were as a person). Now that I am proud of who I am, honestly, I'm the only guy I really find 100% attractive. But I can't really date myself, so there ya go.
Could I find women sexually attractive? I think some are attractive, but time will tell whether or not I can "get it up" for them. It might take time, but I have a decade worth of damage to undo at this point, so I don't expect it to change overnight. I'm going to take it one day at a time, hold my head up high, and work towards undoing the damage that the gay community has done to me, and the torture I've put myself through dealing with their demands and lack of support.
