Looking Foward - A New Chapter

So I'm going to have a pretty interesting weekend. Today I'm meeting with the trainer at the pool and hopefully my book comes in today, and likely go to another AA meeting as well. But tomorrow I go to my first Evergreen meeting here in Denver. I'm not sure what to expect, but apparently there will be two LDS bishops there observing and getting a feel for the organization. And being I'm not LDS, nor do I buy into the "homosexuality is a sin" argument, I will probably be a bit out of place.

I don't believe in sin, I believe that certain actions we take are either positive or negative to ourselves, those around us, or our personal conception of "god", if we have one. Being mainly a deist, I don't believe in a highly involved "god" directly involved in our personal lives, etc. So the idea of sin is something that doesn't mesh well with my world view. For me, homosexuality is negative because of what it inherently is (and only someone who has experienced it from the inside can truly see it for what it is). It is a superficial, degrading, emasculating (in all senses of the word) and depressing form of socialization. It is based on the premise that sex is the only thing that matters in life and thus, have as much as you can with as many people as you can, provided they meet your superficial standards of "hotness" as defined by the gay media that expects all gay men to be over six foot, Abercrombie and Fitch model wannabes with perfect bodies and perpetually early 20s. If you look like that and are happy with yourself, and all your myriad partners are happy too, more power to ya. For those of us that want something more substantial or stable, we're shit out of luck.

So anyway, again, homosexuality is negative, it prohibits me from growing as a person, becoming a complete and positive person, and reaching my full potential. So I'm on this path to overcome that dark part of my life and try to rectify all the mistakes I've made so far. I'm very near to reducing my total gay friends to maybe one, and only talking to him because he gets me, understands why I'm trying to do this, and what I'm doing it for, and he's several hundred miles away in DC, so it doesn't really bother me that I can't hang out with him on a regular basis. What irks me are people in the same city/state who never want to hang out.

Well, I thought I'd close this entry with this video, it's from Rascal Flatts and it's called Stand.

Fantastic Weekend and Looking Forward

I came across this document online and I've skimmed it, but I plan to re-read it more in depth this week. It's called the Four Principles of Growth. Those four principles are:

1. Masculinity - Need to feel manly and relate to other men
2. Authenticity - Getting away from the false self, facing real feelings in open relationships
3. Need Fulfillment - Seeking out/maintaining positive relationships
4. Surrender - Letting go of negative situations and seeking positive ones

This weekend was all around positive for my personal growth in all these regards.

Saturday I got up early to finish off a quiz for accounting, then I went hiking with a good friend, enjoyed talking to him and getting outside for a bit. After that I met with my trainer to get some new running shoes, and spent some time with him before going to an AA meeting with him, then talking to him about an hour after we got back about the experience and what I had in mind after wards.

Sunday, I was up early again, did a little housework and then hit the gym, when I got back, my roommate was up and getting ready to go shooting in the mountains. He invited me along and I figured, why not? So we had a few assault rifles and smaller arms, I shot the .22 and the Glock because of my crappy shoulder, didn't want to deal with the kick on an AR. It was a lot of fun, since I hadn't shot since the military.

I also successfully avoided two potentially negative situations, I won't go into detail, but it basically would have resulted in relapse. The homosexuality is a sexual addiction, and I fully believe and accept that, and like any addiction, I have to be cognizant of the triggers, avoid those situations that would lead me back down the negative path, and seek out positive alternatives, like hanging out with friends, my trainer, and my roommate. I've been "sober" about a month now, and I plan to keep it that way.

I should be getting my book sometime this week too, so then I'll have something to work through and improve myself intrinsically. Little by little, one day at a time, I'll get over this, get beyond it, and be a complete and healthy person.

Homosexuality is an Addiction

I've been meditating on this idea for several months now, and I've decided to make that bold statement. This will piss some gays off, and that's fine, I don't really care at this point. Should I care what opinion a drug addict has of me? Should I be concerned that I'm offending someone with the same mentality? Whether they like to admit it or not, homosexuality isn't a "natural state", it's an addiction. All it takes is looking at what is held up as the gay ideal to realize this is truth.

Is the gay ideal someone with personal responsibility, a stable career and home life, mental stability, and who is more or less well adjusted compared to his social peers? Or is the gay norm more along the lines of someone who is an avid clubber, irresponsible and immature (no matter his age), sexually promiscuous (and unsafe), dabbles in regular drug use, jumps from relationship to relationship and job to job, and who has more than a fair share of mental issues.

Am I generalizing? Sure, but just take a look at the gay media in any standard gay rag in any major city. How many sexually oriented ads do you see, how many for hookup sites, how many for raves (well known for rampant drug use)? "Oh you find the same stuff in straight rags" Yes, towards the back usually, and only a few pages instead of throughout the entire rag. Point is, it's ingrained into the gay culture to demonstrate an addictive personality, additionally, it's reinforced through peer pressure. If I had a dollar for every time someone said I wasn't "gay enough" because I refused to go to a certain club, be into a certain sexually provocative singer, get drunk/stoned/do poppers and have unprotected sex, I'd be pretty rich.

Anyway, long story short, I realized why I couldn't find gay people supportive of me and my issues was because I was trying to get help from other addicts to overcome the same addiction we all have. A cocaine addict probably isn't going to get a lot of help from another cocaine addict to overcome his addiction. Ideally I would like to find someone who went through this and overcame their demons and now lives a happy and fulfilled life away from the homosexual addiction.

It's tough to find, I admit, because ex-gays are forced back into a new closet not because of their shame or self hatred, but because gays are too intolerant to accept that sometimes people aren't happy being gay and they want to get away from a negative lifestyle. Gays often accuse me of playing the victim card (how I don't know, I don't want anyone's pity, this is just my way of venting and hopefully helping others going through the same issues), or they accuse me of being self-hating because I hate them and all they stand for. Like I told a gay acquaintance of mine, it's not the idea that I'm a homo that makes me uncomfortable, it's the idea that the rest of you are. If more gay guys were like me, I wouldn't care as much, but no, they are as I've described above in addition to their strong unnatural shame of their own gender through their actions and mannerisms. If guys want to portray themselves as women, more power to them, but don't expect a guy that is attracted to guys to find a guy who wants to be a woman attractive. I'm not sure why that concept is so hard for a vast majority of gay men to understand or accept. I realized that the reason why I couldn't find a positive gay influence is because such a thing doesn't exist. My ideal of a positive gay man doesn't exist because individuality, personal responsibility, ambition, and moral strength aren't ideals held very high by the gay community.

So with my realization that homosexuality is an addiction, I've decided to seek help along those lines. I'm going to start attending AA meetings with my trainer, granted not the same sort of addiction, but all addictions share a certain level of commonalities. I also bought the book Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality, and I'll start reading that and working through it when I get it. Hopefully in a few years I'll be over this addiction and I can live a happier more drama-free live away from people who look down on me for not living up to their standards, have way too many issues of their own, and being all around negative influences on my life to this point.

Another goal accomplished!

At this pace, I might be dating a girl in about a month!

So went back out to one of the mix bars here in Denver and saw the same group of girls my friends and I were talking to again. My goal for the night was to get a girl's number, and I did. This cute short little Hispanic girl, very friendly and funny, and I danced with her several times. Heh, funny thing is, my friend spilled the beans about me trying to go from guys to girls, but she's totally cool with it. Kinda a dick move on his part, but oh well, didn't hurt I guess.

It's cool to have another group at the club to hang out with. My two friends, despite being fairly attractive dudes and pretty successful careers, have zero game. It's kinda lame how they just stand around drinking beer, bullshitting about getting the courage to talk to some girl. I kept trying to psych up our one friend to talk to some girl he was interested in all night, and he finally did, even got her number (assuming it wasn't a fake number). I told him earlier in the night, "right now you're at 100% failure if you don't go and talk to her, if you go talk to her, you got a 50/50 shot of getting shot down. So the choice is yours"

He told me how he went to talk to her, poor guy, he says he basically grabbed her and say "Hey, I saw you earlier and I wanted to say I'm interested in you." And she ran off real quick and said "I'll be right back." He thought he blew it, was kicking himself for an hour, but then she snuck up behind him and slipped a napkin in his pocket with her name and number on it. So I guess it kind of worked in the end, funny though that little dance was.

My other friend (my roommate's cousin) was first interested in this other girl, then she saw him talking kinda close to the girl he was interested in last week, and she got pissed off because she thought he was kissing her. That all blew up, and our friend ended up talking to her at the end of the night, getting her number for him, and told him to call her later. He was kinda bummed the rest of the night because he hates being accused of something he didn't do.

Anyway, all in all a fun night (for me anyway), an interesting learning experience, and I was happy I accomplished another of my goals!

Clubbing at the Country Bars on Friday!

So I went with my roommate's cousin and our friend to a couple of country bars here in town last night and had a kick ass time! I only set out to talk to a chick, and I actually talked to the hottest chick at the first bar and even danced with her a bit (line dancing, so maybe that doesn't really count :P) And then talked to a whole group of chicks at the second bar, even dancing with two of them. So yeah, all in all, a pretty damn productive night. Baby steps, but I'm going in the right direction.

I'm also happy my roommate's cousin got one of their numbers, since he's been kinda bummed lately since his last breakup. Talking to him on the way home last night, his past is a lot like mine apparently, in that we have too short relationships and we rush into things. So I'm trying to be more aloof now, which is kinda easy since I'm still getting used to the whole getting interested in ladies thing.

I had a lot of fun and I'm hoping we go out and do it again maybe next weekend.

I just hit up my first lady online!

So she's older, but not by much. I told her a little about myself, blah blah. She's fairly attractive, and my female roommate strongly encouraged me to hit her up :D

Her profile was kind of sparse, but hopefully she responds. There's two others I'm going to hit up too probably tomorrow when I get home from work. One's a Texas girl (I love my Texans!) and the other is a pretty active girl from the west side of town, so could be a good match too.

So I'm pretty psyched! Still trying to find other possible outlets too. I think the online route might be best for now until I get used to it.

Also, one of my trainer's clients gave me a big compliment the other day after we ran in the mountains. She's a slightly older lady, but in great shape (married though, so off limits). She told my trainer "I want muscles like that James guy!" My trainer said she should have told me directly, since it would have given me a good boost of confidence, but even hearing it after the fact was still cool!

So yeah, pretty much over the BS from earlier, just going to avoid assholes from now on. As soon as someone is negative in my life, they're gone/ignored/avoided.

Cutting Ties and a New Year

Yesterday was my birthday, and for such a happy birthday, I got burned again. I thought maybe I could find supportive gay peeps that could understand and/or empathize for what I'm going through, but no, it doesn't exist. It's funny for as much as they tell me that going straight isn't just like flipping a switch (I never expected it to be that easy) that learning to accept homosexuality isn't as easy as flipping a switch either. It's not as easy as "get over it" or "grow a pair". If it were that easy, I wouldn't have put up with the last decade. But I did because I erroneously believed that somewhere somehow there had to be some genuine gay people out there who could accept me for me, understand and accept my differences, and understand the pain and hurt I've been through and understand that someone can't just get over it in a finger snap.

So I've cut ties with everyone gay in my life except my closest gay friends, one in DC and one here in Denver. I don't want to talk to gay people anymore, I don't want to associate with them, I don't want to be friends with them, and I don't want to deal with any of their bullshit from this point further. I've let myself get hurt for a decade, it's time to quit that shit and stand on my own two feet away from a "community" so hurtful and negative that it does nothing but depress me to the point of suicide. I kinda hoped I could have someone on the gay side help me through my homophobia, but no, no one is willing to give me the time or effort to understand WHY I'm homophobic and help me to overcome it. They just pile on the hate and pain, making my homophobia stronger.

So if that's all I have to expect, why bother? It's time to cut all the negativity out of my life, and for the 90% of my life that's going pretty damn good, this is that 10% that's holding me back from being a complete person.