Yesterday was my birthday, and for such a happy birthday, I got burned again. I thought maybe I could find supportive gay peeps that could understand and/or empathize for what I'm going through, but no, it doesn't exist. It's funny for as much as they tell me that going straight isn't just like flipping a switch (I never expected it to be that easy) that learning to accept homosexuality isn't as easy as flipping a switch either. It's not as easy as "get over it" or "grow a pair". If it were that easy, I wouldn't have put up with the last decade. But I did because I erroneously believed that somewhere somehow there had to be some genuine gay people out there who could accept me for me, understand and accept my differences, and understand the pain and hurt I've been through and understand that someone can't just get over it in a finger snap.
So I've cut ties with everyone gay in my life except my closest gay friends, one in DC and one here in Denver. I don't want to talk to gay people anymore, I don't want to associate with them, I don't want to be friends with them, and I don't want to deal with any of their bullshit from this point further. I've let myself get hurt for a decade, it's time to quit that shit and stand on my own two feet away from a "community" so hurtful and negative that it does nothing but depress me to the point of suicide. I kinda hoped I could have someone on the gay side help me through my homophobia, but no, no one is willing to give me the time or effort to understand WHY I'm homophobic and help me to overcome it. They just pile on the hate and pain, making my homophobia stronger.
So if that's all I have to expect, why bother? It's time to cut all the negativity out of my life, and for the 90% of my life that's going pretty damn good, this is that 10% that's holding me back from being a complete person.
