I've been meditating on this idea for several months now, and I've decided to make that bold statement. This will piss some gays off, and that's fine, I don't really care at this point. Should I care what opinion a drug addict has of me? Should I be concerned that I'm offending someone with the same mentality? Whether they like to admit it or not, homosexuality isn't a "natural state", it's an addiction. All it takes is looking at what is held up as the gay ideal to realize this is truth.
Is the gay ideal someone with personal responsibility, a stable career and home life, mental stability, and who is more or less well adjusted compared to his social peers? Or is the gay norm more along the lines of someone who is an avid clubber, irresponsible and immature (no matter his age), sexually promiscuous (and unsafe), dabbles in regular drug use, jumps from relationship to relationship and job to job, and who has more than a fair share of mental issues.
Am I generalizing? Sure, but just take a look at the gay media in any standard gay rag in any major city. How many sexually oriented ads do you see, how many for hookup sites, how many for raves (well known for rampant drug use)? "Oh you find the same stuff in straight rags" Yes, towards the back usually, and only a few pages instead of throughout the entire rag. Point is, it's ingrained into the gay culture to demonstrate an addictive personality, additionally, it's reinforced through peer pressure. If I had a dollar for every time someone said I wasn't "gay enough" because I refused to go to a certain club, be into a certain sexually provocative singer, get drunk/stoned/do poppers and have unprotected sex, I'd be pretty rich.
Anyway, long story short, I realized why I couldn't find gay people supportive of me and my issues was because I was trying to get help from other addicts to overcome the same addiction we all have. A cocaine addict probably isn't going to get a lot of help from another cocaine addict to overcome his addiction. Ideally I would like to find someone who went through this and overcame their demons and now lives a happy and fulfilled life away from the homosexual addiction.
It's tough to find, I admit, because ex-gays are forced back into a new closet not because of their shame or self hatred, but because gays are too intolerant to accept that sometimes people aren't happy being gay and they want to get away from a negative lifestyle. Gays often accuse me of playing the victim card (how I don't know, I don't want anyone's pity, this is just my way of venting and hopefully helping others going through the same issues), or they accuse me of being self-hating because I hate them and all they stand for. Like I told a gay acquaintance of mine, it's not the idea that I'm a homo that makes me uncomfortable, it's the idea that the rest of you are. If more gay guys were like me, I wouldn't care as much, but no, they are as I've described above in addition to their strong unnatural shame of their own gender through their actions and mannerisms. If guys want to portray themselves as women, more power to them, but don't expect a guy that is attracted to guys to find a guy who wants to be a woman attractive. I'm not sure why that concept is so hard for a vast majority of gay men to understand or accept. I realized that the reason why I couldn't find a positive gay influence is because such a thing doesn't exist. My ideal of a positive gay man doesn't exist because individuality, personal responsibility, ambition, and moral strength aren't ideals held very high by the gay community.
So with my realization that homosexuality is an addiction, I've decided to seek help along those lines. I'm going to start attending AA meetings with my trainer, granted not the same sort of addiction, but all addictions share a certain level of commonalities. I also bought the book Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality, and I'll start reading that and working through it when I get it. Hopefully in a few years I'll be over this addiction and I can live a happier more drama-free live away from people who look down on me for not living up to their standards, have way too many issues of their own, and being all around negative influences on my life to this point.
