I'm a true blue INTJ, according to the Myers-Briggs type test. So why is that relevant? Because:
1. When people tell me to do something, I'm not the type to automatically do it if it goes against my core values
And
2. If someone tells me something is impossible I'm likely to laugh in their face and then go on to prove them wrong.
I don't respect authority, per se, in the manner most do. I don't care who you are or what your credentials, if you're wrong, then you're wrong. I can be pretty stubborn myself and come off as though I'm right, but as bad as it sounds, if I'm fairly sure I'm right, chances are I'm right. If I have doubts I'll raise them and/or attempt to address them. If I'm proven wrong (through logic and reason, not emotion and faith) I will admit my error and add the new information to my catalog of knowledge.
So again the relevance is as follows, people who tell me to do something are fairly likely to have me do the opposite (unless the action/change makes logical sense and they show me that benefit). Likewise, if someone tells me something is impossible, that fuels my fire to prove them wrong.
Impossible is just a word people use when they haven't tried hard enough.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
A bit about my personality
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Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Perhaps Sexuality is Fluid?
The great thing I always liked about science over faith is that it generally understood that there is no such thing as an absolute truth. It sought truth through constant experimentation and observation and attempting to duplicate results, and challenging previous findings. It is through science, and not faith, that I believe that one's sexual orientation is not static or fixed, and in fact, can change through the efforts of an individual and, while heavily influenced by your genetic predisposition (Google "Gay Twin Studies" to see what I'm referring to) there has to be some other factor that accounts for the fact that only 50% of twins of a homosexual person (lesbian or gay) are also homosexual. However, despite this logical discrepancy, there is a faction of the gay population that believes, akin to an article of faith, that one's sexual orientation is not possible to change. For a time, I myself believed that as well. But from what I've seen in others, read over the last few days, and experienced within myself, I can no longer believe that someone can't change their sexuality on their own if they put forth the effort.
The constant lazy excuse I hear (from people both sincere and otherwise) is that why would someone "choose" to be something that society in general despises? I'm not so sure the general society is very anti-gay anymore, at least it's not something I've experienced from close friends, relatives, or associates. In any event, why would someone "choose" to work in a field that isn't respected by some segment of society, why would someone "choose" to associate with others of a political affiliation that might not be popular with others in the community? Etc. etc. Point being, I believe that nothing in this world is fixed and permanent. IF (and only if) someone really does seek to change who they are, then with the right efforts, they can change it.
On a side note, what I find most interesting is that it appears that the people who most hate who I am are the ones most heavily trying to convince me that I'm gay. Not sure to what end. Some have suggested to me that they have a sexual interest in me and are upset that I don't want them in the same way. That might be a possibility, but I think a more likely possibility is that these hateful people are more worried that someone might break the spell over the gay community that one can't change who they are attracted to. I intend to prove them wrong and offer hope to those who feel frustrated with the constant hypocrisy and hatred they get from the gay scions on a regular basis for not doing or being what they demand.
Anway, I recently found this group called "Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays" (PFOX). I spent some time last night browsing around their site and reading some of the articles they had posted. These two in particular caught my attention and resonated with me:
Gay Activists Speak Out
Pop Music Star Melissa Etheridge
This is what re-enforced my wondering if sexuality is indeed fluid. Perhaps as Freud once suggested (and Alfred Kinsey's studies reveal) most of us are bisexual to one extent or another, acting on it in different ways.
Now, in the end, I'm not going to become more homophobic. As I said in my last post I realize now that it was wrong of me to judge an entire population by a few bad examples who let their hatred and negativity define themselves. Also as I've said before, at the end of this journey it might be revealed that I'm in fact gay, or maybe bi, or maybe straight. I don't know for sure, and I'm fairly certain I'm going to know my own sexuality more than anyone else who pretends that they know it all and can peg me one way or the other.
So just wanted to get these thoughts out there. We'll see what the future brings. Like my trainer says, perhaps those who are predisposed to homosexuality have to work ten times as hard to change it. He likened it to those predisposed to obesity. He has clients that have to work ten times as hard to get the same results as others, but they make the choice of either putting in the extra needed effort, or they are just happy with themselves as obese folks, the choice is theirs, so long as in the end they are happy with themselves.
The constant lazy excuse I hear (from people both sincere and otherwise) is that why would someone "choose" to be something that society in general despises? I'm not so sure the general society is very anti-gay anymore, at least it's not something I've experienced from close friends, relatives, or associates. In any event, why would someone "choose" to work in a field that isn't respected by some segment of society, why would someone "choose" to associate with others of a political affiliation that might not be popular with others in the community? Etc. etc. Point being, I believe that nothing in this world is fixed and permanent. IF (and only if) someone really does seek to change who they are, then with the right efforts, they can change it.
On a side note, what I find most interesting is that it appears that the people who most hate who I am are the ones most heavily trying to convince me that I'm gay. Not sure to what end. Some have suggested to me that they have a sexual interest in me and are upset that I don't want them in the same way. That might be a possibility, but I think a more likely possibility is that these hateful people are more worried that someone might break the spell over the gay community that one can't change who they are attracted to. I intend to prove them wrong and offer hope to those who feel frustrated with the constant hypocrisy and hatred they get from the gay scions on a regular basis for not doing or being what they demand.
Anway, I recently found this group called "Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays" (PFOX). I spent some time last night browsing around their site and reading some of the articles they had posted. These two in particular caught my attention and resonated with me:
Gay Activists Speak Out
Pop Music Star Melissa Etheridge
This is what re-enforced my wondering if sexuality is indeed fluid. Perhaps as Freud once suggested (and Alfred Kinsey's studies reveal) most of us are bisexual to one extent or another, acting on it in different ways.
Now, in the end, I'm not going to become more homophobic. As I said in my last post I realize now that it was wrong of me to judge an entire population by a few bad examples who let their hatred and negativity define themselves. Also as I've said before, at the end of this journey it might be revealed that I'm in fact gay, or maybe bi, or maybe straight. I don't know for sure, and I'm fairly certain I'm going to know my own sexuality more than anyone else who pretends that they know it all and can peg me one way or the other.
So just wanted to get these thoughts out there. We'll see what the future brings. Like my trainer says, perhaps those who are predisposed to homosexuality have to work ten times as hard to change it. He likened it to those predisposed to obesity. He has clients that have to work ten times as hard to get the same results as others, but they make the choice of either putting in the extra needed effort, or they are just happy with themselves as obese folks, the choice is theirs, so long as in the end they are happy with themselves.
Monday, July 19, 2010
The Winding Twists and Turns of Life's Path (Updated 7/25/2010)
(Updated 7/25/2010)
So I've been thinking the last few days whether or not being homosexual is a choice, whether I can choose to change my orientation to heterosexual or even bisexual, and what this will all mean in the end. Life is a journey and we have to make it on our own ultimately. Sure there are people there along the way who help point us in the right direction, are there for support when we feel hurt or lost, or who are there to just lend whatever help they are able to.
And then there are those who seek to dictate your life for you and attack you, despite trying to become a better person and figure yourself out and define yourself as you choose.
For example, I had the following five comments from two individuals who frequent the message boards of the gay social networking website called Connexion. These individuals claim to be supportive of homosexuals trying to come to terms with their sexuality and find their place in life, however, how supportive do these comments sound?
==========
1. And why are you chatting with him? Do you feel like you can somehow make him butch it up? You sound like an 'ex-gay' therapist. This is all very Freudian
(Doug) 5:02 PM
2. the reality is that you have spent years being intolerant to "effeminate" gay men, stereotypical gay men, and flamboyant guys.
why? because you're a wimp who hates yourself.
you complain and bitch because you're a fucking wimp and the only people who support you are guys just like you who also hate themselves.
you're going to be a victim all your life.
(Little Kiwi) 1:53 PM
3. BWAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
(Little Kiwi) 1:51 PM
4. you're a complete fucking coward.
(Little Kiwi) 1:43 PM
5. you're a hypocrite. you complain that "gay scions" dictated your life. you're a liar.
you spread anti-gay bigotry. you spread hatred toward effeminate guys, flamboyant guys, stereotypical guys. you still do.
we simply called you out on the harm YOU are inflicting.
you're a coward. you'll live as a coward, you'll die as a coward.
buh bye , wimp :D
(Little Kiwi) 1:41 PM
6. great to finally be rid of you!
by the way, there's this video on youtube with all sorts of pictures of YOU talking in voiceover about how much you love sucking black cock, and you tooootally have a lisp in it, and sound like a little girl
. have you seen it?
it's pretty funny.
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10
7. you're a bigot with no balls! wassup girly-girl!?
how's the pussy tasting these days?
:D
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10
Funny thing is, this dude is so obsessed with me that he's using old stuff I've said to attack me on HIS blog. Sad that people are that narrow minded and hateful that they can't grow up. It disappoints me that he's the same age as me. But hey, I still have all the positive feedback below.
==========
Now there was a time I let such comments get to me, I let them anger me, upset me, make me hate gay people even more. I thought to myself, if this is what the gay community is going to throw at me for being myself, why bother? I'm not going to be happy if I have to define myself by the terms of negative people like that.
Thankfully, not everyone was so hateful and hypocritical to me. For every negative person that sought to dictate who I should be and how I should live my life, there were a dozen more that supported me in my efforts to try to become a better person and figure myself out, no matter what path I end up taking in life.
==========
1. Hey Jay,
I just read your blog from yesterday and that was pretty incredible.
I was out with one of my best girl friends the other night and she kept asking me what was wrong, and my answer was that I'm not attracted to gay guys. She didn't understand me.
Anyway, I really related to your post and am relieved that I'm not alone.
Hope you're having a good week!
2. lol dont worry if some fem guys act retarded some of them are complete idiots anyway and think everyone wants them and the only reason they prolly bash you is because you actually dont want them and that drives some fem boys up the wall..continue to be yourself hun and stick with what you believe =D have a great day
(this was from a totally out and self described femme guy)
3. Good luck. I have tried serveral times to go straight. Once this winter but I keep going back to men. I like woman and do not mind sex with them but I also enjoy sex with men.
Hopefully you will be ok and will be successful. I would think it will be hard convincing all the people who know you are gay that you are now straight.
4. How's it going? I've been reading the responses that you received from your question regarding a gay man turning straight and I just wanted to send you this email to wish you good luck and I hope you find happiness in your life. I feel that I might be in a similar situation as you find yourself in. Right now, I am a little confused with regards to my sexuality. While I haven't had sex with a woman, my first kiss was with a girl and I sent to prom and homecoming in high school with a girl. Growing up in the back of my mind, I've always wondered what it would be like being with a guy. I didn't have my first sexual experience with a guy until I was a junior in college. After college, I continued to mess around with guys every now and then. I really don't have a lot of experience with a guy. I've found girls attractive and I even had straight porn in college and I was fantasizing being with a woman.
It would be nice to have a family. I've never been a part of the gay community either. All of my friends are straight and they would never suspect that I like guys. I am masculine and just come across as a regular dude. I too have grown increasingly frustrated with not finding a masculine gay dude who love sports and just is a regular guy. I am tired of one night stands and I would like to date someone but it's been tough for me to find a dude who is similar to me. So, I don't know what I am going to do. I may just give up searching for a while with the hope that the person will find me.
5. I absolutely love your responses. You are teaching me something quite significant in my life right now. (Though I should be bed lol)
The way I see you, Jay.. Would be a man with bravery.
I do not know how you are doing this, but it sure takes something to actually do it. Like I said, I could never say that I am going straight because that would be lying, on your part.. I say you know exactly what you are doing. Only one can know for sure.
Sure everyone makes mistakes! Sure everyone changes, but not everyone finds their true self at the end of the tunnel when it comes to big situations like these. Situations that can change your life for sure!
This amazes me! Makes me sad to hear that you are kind of giving up. or changing or whatever it is that you are doing.
But whatever it is, I am pretty sure it is right. I support you! You seem like a great man, you can be a good husband for a good wife. I wish you the best of luck. You make me want to keep digging for the man of my life.
But as hard as I may scratch and dig, I may never find that person.
Gays are just plain rude and mean, so there have been times in my life where I give in too. But I make sure to say that I am going to be asexual, and as funny as I may sound. I am guess I am being true to myself.
(This one from another totally out effeminate dude)
6. Hey man...I just wanted to say you have a very interesting POV in your blogs. I'm sorry that some folks in the community have made it difficult. I have continually tried to associate myself with various aspects of the community and quickly learned that the gay community is full of hypocrites...they want acceptance and equality when we cant even find that within our own community often times. I definitely fall into some of the stereotypes (live in capitol hill, shop like its my job) but i also learned that the only way im ever going to be happy is to just be myself and be happy with myself.
Sorry for my random rambling, but i definitely respect what you're doing and your take on life. Hope you don't mind but i bookmarked your blog because you have a great strong voice and i think there are a lot of folks out there that need to hear a lot of what you have to say.
7. our "community" tends to be superficial and like to call masculines cowards because were not an annoyance with sexuality. ive had bad time being out but cant change the fact that i like guys. i know its hard 4 me to find a guy unless hes fem. but i dont like girlish guys. so id rather be alone.
man, whatever makes your life better then thats what you should do . remember my opinon, and connexion browers opinon mean nothing because your the one living your life. stressing yourself out isnt good either because when i thought about this it kept me unfocus and i lost a lot, sorry to be vague.
8. Just wanna say I admire your courage and determination I know its been a tough road I myself often wish i was str8 how much easier life would be but I cant deny who I am regardless of that there are times I want to have sex with a women just to prove im str8 to myself and others i have friends and co workers who dont think im gay but i know deep down i am and i think part of it was how i was brought up well im going to be bed now im exhusted but your post was inspiring i wish you the best of luck on your journey i hope you find yourself in the end and most of all I hope it makes you happy only you can make yourself happy man take care
9. I read your post and your blog and am really sorry you had to go through all that. I feel your pain. It seems on the gay side of things I don't really fit in either. I don't enjoy the clubs, and over sexualizing myself, most of the things usually associated with. I've been trying to build relationships with guys and they seem to always turn out the way you describe, obsessive to the point its scary, emotionally abusive, and such. I understand why you feel the way you do. I want nothing more to just be able to find a girl and settle down and start a family. But most of the girls I come by I have zero interest in. As to just deciding to be straight on my part I'm not sure. I feel I'll always be attracted to guys. I sometimes think that if I did or could switch over how would things change? What if these are just the people I attract in life. I've had a few girlfriends and they seemed to be oddly similar to the guys in the sense of obsession and all that. I'm not exactly sure what I'm getting at so I will stop here and not waste anymore of your time. So have a good day and thanks for reading. I really hope everything works out for you and you find what you're looking for. We all deserve a taste of happiness.
10. Hey Jay,
I didnt have a chance to read you whole blog or any of the comments you got on your Q&Q. But... I however am going thru something pretty similar. I was raised Mormon, even went to BYU and on a mission for the church. After all that I decided that since I had thought I was gay for the past 10 years and never acted upon it, I would. I began to go to clubs, date, sleep with guys, etc. Finally I got to the point of live in boyfriends and pretty much living a life exclusively dedicated to my sexuality, shutting out the straight world completely.
I have not been as close with my family, college friends, or religion as I would like to be. I am not as liberal as I see the majority of the LGBQT community and often times I feel rejected because I voted for McCain or I dont oppose the new law in Arizona (being from there originally I know it is not what the media has blown it up to) in short, my life has been pretty much hell ever since I decided to act upon my gay desires. I am more sexually attracted to men then women, its true, but I do believe I can find a woman that I will love and be attracted to. And if she accepts me with the past I have, then I dont think I will look back at all.
I dont drink or use drugs, I dont like to go out and get crazy on tuesday nights before work, or take Atlantis cruises... I dont feel like I will be missing a lot except maybe a physical attraction. Which for me is now seeming less and less important. (especially since most the guys I end up dating are not my idea of perfect physically either) I hope you can make the change and that life is good to you. Id love to hear how it goes, I expect my transition will take some time but I plan on making it.
11. congrats! i think i could go back to being straight too but i like guys too much. already ruined one woman's life and don't want to head there again. you touched on something that i don't think a lot of gay guys like - the idea that they can change their orientation. i think you can. i might join you one day cause so far i have faced a lot of shit and not too much i like about being gay.
12. I just wanted to tell you that what you're doing is very brave and kind. It takes a good person to want to do what you're doing and I just wanted to applaud you for it. Although I dont agree with some of you beliefs. But then again I don't know what you're feeling. Keep doing what you're doing!
13. There are several things that I feel like I can relate to in regards to your past experiences. Sometimes I wonder whether it would be in my best interest to go straight. I'd love to have a family. My only issue is that I know I'm attracted to guys. Unfortunately, I'm not attracted to the gay lifestyle. It's really hard to be a misfit in a misfit society. Kudos to you
14. Hey man,
I read your blog. Interesting stuff. Sounds like you've been through alot!
It just doesn't sound like you've had a very good experience in the gay community.
If you're into reading books you might check out these two books:
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Out-Freedom-Matter-Closeted/dp/0757303927/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_2
http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Things-Improve-Their-Lives/dp/1555837824/ref=pd_sim_b_15
If you happen to read them, let me know. It would be cool to discuss them.
Based on your blog, they may be helpful, regardless of the path you choose.
The first book especially has an entire chapter where the author is really frustrated with the gay community and talks about how we dealt with it when he was around 30 years old after he'd come out in his early-to-mid twenties.
Are you familiar with the Kinsey scale (0-totally heterosexual to 6-totally homosexual)?
Do you fall somewhere in between? If so, you can probably be straight...
Best of luck
15. do what you want to do man. it's your life and you have your own free will to do what you think is best for you. actually i thought about it and also wanted to be straight, too bad... i cant...
i am not sexually active now. maybe because i wanted to change myself into someone better. not long ago, ive been really really bad. haha!
go man! live your life well.
16. I think getting flak one way or the other is ridiculous...nobody knows your sexual orientation other than you, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'd imagine gays are afraid of having even a single counter-example to the claim "being gay is immutable and inherent" and that's driving whatever animosity you've found.
I'm not going to get into second-guessing why you've gone back and forth, that's for your heart, head, and genitals to lead you as you see fit, but I wish you luck in trying to find sexual and relationship happiness in your life, whether that involves being gay, straight, bi, poly, asexual, transgender, monagamous, a total slut, or whatever combination of the above you can figure out
17. Jay, after reading your blog, i can understand why you feel the need to try the straight life. I also can see why you feel the gay community hasn't been wholly accepting of you since you don't "act" like traditional homosexuals do.
In those regards, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG with leaning republican and not telling every single person you meet you're gay. I myself, am completely out, and make it no secret, I also lean left politically... but that doesn't give me, or ANYONE the right to tell you how to live YOUR life. I wish I could apologize for all those who berate you and talk down to you for being true to yourself - whatever that may be (gay,bi,straight,a-sexual).
I wish you the best of luck in your venture, and hope you find happiness where ever it may lie for you.
You have my full support, and if you ever wanna chat about what you're going through, feel free to mail/IM me at any time Jay.
18. Sounds to me like you have an issue with the gay "community" than coping with your own sexuality based on your latest blog entry. Why don't you just be yourself and *%@$ the gay community. You should not feel pressured to be someone you are not. I could care less what other gay men think of me as to whether I wear the proper gay attire. I don't aspire to be gay, I aspire to be myself and being gay is a part of who I am much like being a Catholic is a part of who I am. Now does being gay have some affect on how I come across, yes. But I don't introduce myself as "My name is _____ and I'm gay" to every person that I meet (though some within the community would prefer this). It sounds like this is really the issue at hand with a combination of self-esteem issues. You may have had a miserable 10 years, but your young and still have time to embrace the beauty of your own sexuality. Explore, consult, learn who you are, gay or straight, be yourself and don't worry what others think.
19. Thats actually really cool that you're trying to be happy, no matter what it's about. Maybe the "gay community" here has no right to be a bitch like that. What i've learned though is that not the whole world is like that and u dont have to b limited to the united states. But i dont see anythung wrong with u turning straight. I personally wish u good luck on ur journey =)
20. Whatever decide I hope for the best for you!
Just like there are different types of straight people, there are many different types of gay people. Being straight or gay is based purely on sexuality, not on how you dress, act, believe, etc.
In the end, look deep inside and imagine the type of person you want to be in love with. If it's a man, great. If it's a woman, thats great too.
Labels are for tin cans, not people. Love who you want to love and fuck what everyone else says.
21. I do have a friend who feels the same way in the present day. As a tell him, ill tell you Jay, there are lots of guys who are "not into the scene", which sounds like your describing.
My friend will not identify as a "gay community participant" any longer. He listens to death metal for yrs, now in his 40's, talk about not fitting in.
After yrs of being a semi activist (ive been officially out for 15 yrs now), i too have grown tired of of "trying to fit in", somewhere within the confines of the community, and ive tried them all except drug scene, i was never into that even before i came out officially.
While my friend has even noticed the slight change ive made as far as being all up in community standards, he is really struggling with, like your same issues.
I took a different approach, im just chillin from all activities associated with the community, but, im still gay, enjoy the company of men, hot men and one day hope to meet the right one. Point is, dont lose yourself and who you really are. You can be gay, attracted to men but not participate in any thing the gay community has to offer, nobody says you have to, my friend has threatened and even i have said a few times i should try being straight and do things a straight guys would do, but been there, done that already (before coming out).
I really do think its about accepting yourself, as part of the coming out process, most guys i know went through the self loathing/self hating stage, some guys i know either drank or drug themselves up to the point they couldnt function anymore.
Separate the "community" and your own sexual feelings, you maybe still gay but you dont need the baggage. If a women and the lifestyle that comes with being straight appeals to you, (including sex with her), try it and see.
Like i said, been there done that and im happy being a gay man, but not too happy with the community that comes with it.
Let us know how your change is going.
22. Jay- I think everyone is different in their own way. I don't think I have the right to sit here and tell you its right or wrong for you to live whatever life you wanna live. I can relate though and say that being gay feels like a weight on my shoulders or like a ball and chain hooked to my ankle. Matter of fact when I read the part "Ive made the determination to go straight, I already feel better about myself and my future" I took a big breath and let it out, and for a moment sat in your shoes. I commend you for figuring out what makes you happy. Right now for me i'm sticking with it, finding those who love me for being what so many people think of us as.. the scum of the earth. Trying to be a positive representative for the gay community, and once I feel my quest is over I just might find myself in the same boat as you! Goin straight! Do your thing Jay, go wherever your heart desires and worry about what "you" want, not anyone else. Its your heart so follow it wherever you want. I'll be here for you.
23. In a way I can understand what you're saying and feeling. I can't say that being gay and coming to terms with it and all has been the best experience of my life. In many ways I have never felt so unwanted, unloved, demoralized and humiliated among other things. I have been told by guys that I would have to pay them to spend time with me, that I should just go hire a hooker, that I should even turn straight because no guy would ever want me. It can be a very cruel world. But for better or for worse, whether anyone likes it or not, I'm gay. It just is what it is.
That said, I can't say I fault you for what you're doing. It's your decision and you have to do what you feel is right. All I can say is that I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for and that in the end it is worth it.
24. Uh maybe you are just bi and thats ok! You can only do for yourself what you think is best and what makes you happy! I say if you think this is what you want go for it.
==========
So I got a wide range of support from all different types of people, some masculine, some feminine, all different races and locations, all different ages and experiences in the gay community. I would be happy to say that, knowing that there ARE supportive people in the gay community (and that the most vocal and negative, angry, and hurtful people do not speak for these individuals or the community as a whole), if it turns out at the end of this journey that I am in fact gay, or even bisexual, I'm glad to know that I will nonetheless find supportive people both inside the gay community (these folks above) and outside (my close friends and others important in my life).
It's good to know that one doesn't have to live by the dictates of the gay scions who seek to represent all the gay community when they are poor representations of themselves. The gay community is truly diverse, and on balance, more welcoming than divisive so long as one ignores the dictates of those who seek to define your life for you in their terms.
So gay, straight, bi, or what have you, everyone should be free to travel life's path, make their own choices, experience the ups and downs, but in the end, we must respect one another and offer as much support as we can to each other, no matter our choices in life. I know I haven't been respectful in the past to those I felt repulsed by, but that's unfortunate, as I saw them through the lens of the hate I got from the gay scions who are pretty much the largest balls of negativity in the gay community. Had I met their opposites on a regular basis, the down to earth, respectful, and accepting gay men of all backgrounds, my homophobia would have been non-existent.
But instead, the more these angry and hurtful people pushed me to be what they wanted me to be, the more I resisted, and the more I hated them, and I falsely believed they represented the gay mainstream, so I ended up hating the gay community as a whole by extension. I realize now that was wrong of me. A vast majority of gay people (masculine, feminine, old, young, black, Latino, white, liberal, conservative, and everything in between) are pretty damn open-minded to people different from them, accepting of diverse experiences and points of view, and welcoming to everyone no matter their situation in life. I only wish I had experienced that sooner, I would have not had to experience so much hate and anger towards people who really didn't deserve it as they wanted me to just be myself, not tell me who I should be or define me in their terms.
So with that life lesson under my belt, I am trying to impart it on others as well, gay, straight, and bi. People should be judged as individuals, not by the community they belong to or those who believe themselves to represent the community as a whole. Again, a vast majority are highly supportive, and only seek a live and let live approach to life, letting others make their own decisions in life and define themselves as they choose in whatever way brings them the most happiness.
In the end, when you compare the hatred from the first two completely negative and unsupportive people to the positive support from the next 24, it's apparent that most gay folks are pretty damn nice people. I'm not sure where my life's journey will take me when I'm done, but if I end up straight or bi, I have a more positive view of the gay community than I probably would have had if I had only let the most negative individuals represent my impression of the gay community. If I come to determine that I am gay and I can't change it, then likewise, at least I'm glad to know that there ARE kind and supportive people in the community who won't tell me who I should be and attack me for not doing as they demand.
That said, I wish everyone a fantastic week, I hope the best for everyone reading this, and I hope we all find the happiness we deserve in life.
Peace, Love, and Fuzzy Puppies
-- Jay
So I've been thinking the last few days whether or not being homosexual is a choice, whether I can choose to change my orientation to heterosexual or even bisexual, and what this will all mean in the end. Life is a journey and we have to make it on our own ultimately. Sure there are people there along the way who help point us in the right direction, are there for support when we feel hurt or lost, or who are there to just lend whatever help they are able to.
And then there are those who seek to dictate your life for you and attack you, despite trying to become a better person and figure yourself out and define yourself as you choose.
For example, I had the following five comments from two individuals who frequent the message boards of the gay social networking website called Connexion. These individuals claim to be supportive of homosexuals trying to come to terms with their sexuality and find their place in life, however, how supportive do these comments sound?
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1. And why are you chatting with him? Do you feel like you can somehow make him butch it up? You sound like an 'ex-gay' therapist. This is all very Freudian
(Doug) 5:02 PM
2. the reality is that you have spent years being intolerant to "effeminate" gay men, stereotypical gay men, and flamboyant guys.
why? because you're a wimp who hates yourself.
you complain and bitch because you're a fucking wimp and the only people who support you are guys just like you who also hate themselves.
you're going to be a victim all your life.
(Little Kiwi) 1:53 PM
3. BWAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
(Little Kiwi) 1:51 PM
4. you're a complete fucking coward.
(Little Kiwi) 1:43 PM
5. you're a hypocrite. you complain that "gay scions" dictated your life. you're a liar.
you spread anti-gay bigotry. you spread hatred toward effeminate guys, flamboyant guys, stereotypical guys. you still do.
we simply called you out on the harm YOU are inflicting.
you're a coward. you'll live as a coward, you'll die as a coward.
buh bye , wimp :D
(Little Kiwi) 1:41 PM
6. great to finally be rid of you!
by the way, there's this video on youtube with all sorts of pictures of YOU talking in voiceover about how much you love sucking black cock, and you tooootally have a lisp in it, and sound like a little girl
. have you seen it?
it's pretty funny.
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10
7. you're a bigot with no balls! wassup girly-girl!?
how's the pussy tasting these days?
:D
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10
Funny thing is, this dude is so obsessed with me that he's using old stuff I've said to attack me on HIS blog. Sad that people are that narrow minded and hateful that they can't grow up. It disappoints me that he's the same age as me. But hey, I still have all the positive feedback below.
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Now there was a time I let such comments get to me, I let them anger me, upset me, make me hate gay people even more. I thought to myself, if this is what the gay community is going to throw at me for being myself, why bother? I'm not going to be happy if I have to define myself by the terms of negative people like that.
Thankfully, not everyone was so hateful and hypocritical to me. For every negative person that sought to dictate who I should be and how I should live my life, there were a dozen more that supported me in my efforts to try to become a better person and figure myself out, no matter what path I end up taking in life.
==========
1. Hey Jay,
I just read your blog from yesterday and that was pretty incredible.
I was out with one of my best girl friends the other night and she kept asking me what was wrong, and my answer was that I'm not attracted to gay guys. She didn't understand me.
Anyway, I really related to your post and am relieved that I'm not alone.
Hope you're having a good week!
2. lol dont worry if some fem guys act retarded some of them are complete idiots anyway and think everyone wants them and the only reason they prolly bash you is because you actually dont want them and that drives some fem boys up the wall..continue to be yourself hun and stick with what you believe =D have a great day
(this was from a totally out and self described femme guy)
3. Good luck. I have tried serveral times to go straight. Once this winter but I keep going back to men. I like woman and do not mind sex with them but I also enjoy sex with men.
Hopefully you will be ok and will be successful. I would think it will be hard convincing all the people who know you are gay that you are now straight.
4. How's it going? I've been reading the responses that you received from your question regarding a gay man turning straight and I just wanted to send you this email to wish you good luck and I hope you find happiness in your life. I feel that I might be in a similar situation as you find yourself in. Right now, I am a little confused with regards to my sexuality. While I haven't had sex with a woman, my first kiss was with a girl and I sent to prom and homecoming in high school with a girl. Growing up in the back of my mind, I've always wondered what it would be like being with a guy. I didn't have my first sexual experience with a guy until I was a junior in college. After college, I continued to mess around with guys every now and then. I really don't have a lot of experience with a guy. I've found girls attractive and I even had straight porn in college and I was fantasizing being with a woman.
It would be nice to have a family. I've never been a part of the gay community either. All of my friends are straight and they would never suspect that I like guys. I am masculine and just come across as a regular dude. I too have grown increasingly frustrated with not finding a masculine gay dude who love sports and just is a regular guy. I am tired of one night stands and I would like to date someone but it's been tough for me to find a dude who is similar to me. So, I don't know what I am going to do. I may just give up searching for a while with the hope that the person will find me.
5. I absolutely love your responses. You are teaching me something quite significant in my life right now. (Though I should be bed lol)
The way I see you, Jay.. Would be a man with bravery.
I do not know how you are doing this, but it sure takes something to actually do it. Like I said, I could never say that I am going straight because that would be lying, on your part.. I say you know exactly what you are doing. Only one can know for sure.
Sure everyone makes mistakes! Sure everyone changes, but not everyone finds their true self at the end of the tunnel when it comes to big situations like these. Situations that can change your life for sure!
This amazes me! Makes me sad to hear that you are kind of giving up. or changing or whatever it is that you are doing.
But whatever it is, I am pretty sure it is right. I support you! You seem like a great man, you can be a good husband for a good wife. I wish you the best of luck. You make me want to keep digging for the man of my life.
But as hard as I may scratch and dig, I may never find that person.
Gays are just plain rude and mean, so there have been times in my life where I give in too. But I make sure to say that I am going to be asexual, and as funny as I may sound. I am guess I am being true to myself.
(This one from another totally out effeminate dude)
6. Hey man...I just wanted to say you have a very interesting POV in your blogs. I'm sorry that some folks in the community have made it difficult. I have continually tried to associate myself with various aspects of the community and quickly learned that the gay community is full of hypocrites...they want acceptance and equality when we cant even find that within our own community often times. I definitely fall into some of the stereotypes (live in capitol hill, shop like its my job) but i also learned that the only way im ever going to be happy is to just be myself and be happy with myself.
Sorry for my random rambling, but i definitely respect what you're doing and your take on life. Hope you don't mind but i bookmarked your blog because you have a great strong voice and i think there are a lot of folks out there that need to hear a lot of what you have to say.
7. our "community" tends to be superficial and like to call masculines cowards because were not an annoyance with sexuality. ive had bad time being out but cant change the fact that i like guys. i know its hard 4 me to find a guy unless hes fem. but i dont like girlish guys. so id rather be alone.
man, whatever makes your life better then thats what you should do . remember my opinon, and connexion browers opinon mean nothing because your the one living your life. stressing yourself out isnt good either because when i thought about this it kept me unfocus and i lost a lot, sorry to be vague.
8. Just wanna say I admire your courage and determination I know its been a tough road I myself often wish i was str8 how much easier life would be but I cant deny who I am regardless of that there are times I want to have sex with a women just to prove im str8 to myself and others i have friends and co workers who dont think im gay but i know deep down i am and i think part of it was how i was brought up well im going to be bed now im exhusted but your post was inspiring i wish you the best of luck on your journey i hope you find yourself in the end and most of all I hope it makes you happy only you can make yourself happy man take care
9. I read your post and your blog and am really sorry you had to go through all that. I feel your pain. It seems on the gay side of things I don't really fit in either. I don't enjoy the clubs, and over sexualizing myself, most of the things usually associated with. I've been trying to build relationships with guys and they seem to always turn out the way you describe, obsessive to the point its scary, emotionally abusive, and such. I understand why you feel the way you do. I want nothing more to just be able to find a girl and settle down and start a family. But most of the girls I come by I have zero interest in. As to just deciding to be straight on my part I'm not sure. I feel I'll always be attracted to guys. I sometimes think that if I did or could switch over how would things change? What if these are just the people I attract in life. I've had a few girlfriends and they seemed to be oddly similar to the guys in the sense of obsession and all that. I'm not exactly sure what I'm getting at so I will stop here and not waste anymore of your time. So have a good day and thanks for reading. I really hope everything works out for you and you find what you're looking for. We all deserve a taste of happiness.
10. Hey Jay,
I didnt have a chance to read you whole blog or any of the comments you got on your Q&Q. But... I however am going thru something pretty similar. I was raised Mormon, even went to BYU and on a mission for the church. After all that I decided that since I had thought I was gay for the past 10 years and never acted upon it, I would. I began to go to clubs, date, sleep with guys, etc. Finally I got to the point of live in boyfriends and pretty much living a life exclusively dedicated to my sexuality, shutting out the straight world completely.
I have not been as close with my family, college friends, or religion as I would like to be. I am not as liberal as I see the majority of the LGBQT community and often times I feel rejected because I voted for McCain or I dont oppose the new law in Arizona (being from there originally I know it is not what the media has blown it up to) in short, my life has been pretty much hell ever since I decided to act upon my gay desires. I am more sexually attracted to men then women, its true, but I do believe I can find a woman that I will love and be attracted to. And if she accepts me with the past I have, then I dont think I will look back at all.
I dont drink or use drugs, I dont like to go out and get crazy on tuesday nights before work, or take Atlantis cruises... I dont feel like I will be missing a lot except maybe a physical attraction. Which for me is now seeming less and less important. (especially since most the guys I end up dating are not my idea of perfect physically either) I hope you can make the change and that life is good to you. Id love to hear how it goes, I expect my transition will take some time but I plan on making it.
11. congrats! i think i could go back to being straight too but i like guys too much. already ruined one woman's life and don't want to head there again. you touched on something that i don't think a lot of gay guys like - the idea that they can change their orientation. i think you can. i might join you one day cause so far i have faced a lot of shit and not too much i like about being gay.
12. I just wanted to tell you that what you're doing is very brave and kind. It takes a good person to want to do what you're doing and I just wanted to applaud you for it. Although I dont agree with some of you beliefs. But then again I don't know what you're feeling. Keep doing what you're doing!
13. There are several things that I feel like I can relate to in regards to your past experiences. Sometimes I wonder whether it would be in my best interest to go straight. I'd love to have a family. My only issue is that I know I'm attracted to guys. Unfortunately, I'm not attracted to the gay lifestyle. It's really hard to be a misfit in a misfit society. Kudos to you
14. Hey man,
I read your blog. Interesting stuff. Sounds like you've been through alot!
It just doesn't sound like you've had a very good experience in the gay community.
If you're into reading books you might check out these two books:
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Out-Freedom-Matter-Closeted/dp/0757303927/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_2
http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Things-Improve-Their-Lives/dp/1555837824/ref=pd_sim_b_15
If you happen to read them, let me know. It would be cool to discuss them.
Based on your blog, they may be helpful, regardless of the path you choose.
The first book especially has an entire chapter where the author is really frustrated with the gay community and talks about how we dealt with it when he was around 30 years old after he'd come out in his early-to-mid twenties.
Are you familiar with the Kinsey scale (0-totally heterosexual to 6-totally homosexual)?
Do you fall somewhere in between? If so, you can probably be straight...
Best of luck
15. do what you want to do man. it's your life and you have your own free will to do what you think is best for you. actually i thought about it and also wanted to be straight, too bad... i cant...
i am not sexually active now. maybe because i wanted to change myself into someone better. not long ago, ive been really really bad. haha!
go man! live your life well.
16. I think getting flak one way or the other is ridiculous...nobody knows your sexual orientation other than you, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'd imagine gays are afraid of having even a single counter-example to the claim "being gay is immutable and inherent" and that's driving whatever animosity you've found.
I'm not going to get into second-guessing why you've gone back and forth, that's for your heart, head, and genitals to lead you as you see fit, but I wish you luck in trying to find sexual and relationship happiness in your life, whether that involves being gay, straight, bi, poly, asexual, transgender, monagamous, a total slut, or whatever combination of the above you can figure out
17. Jay, after reading your blog, i can understand why you feel the need to try the straight life. I also can see why you feel the gay community hasn't been wholly accepting of you since you don't "act" like traditional homosexuals do.
In those regards, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG with leaning republican and not telling every single person you meet you're gay. I myself, am completely out, and make it no secret, I also lean left politically... but that doesn't give me, or ANYONE the right to tell you how to live YOUR life. I wish I could apologize for all those who berate you and talk down to you for being true to yourself - whatever that may be (gay,bi,straight,a-sexual).
I wish you the best of luck in your venture, and hope you find happiness where ever it may lie for you.
You have my full support, and if you ever wanna chat about what you're going through, feel free to mail/IM me at any time Jay.
18. Sounds to me like you have an issue with the gay "community" than coping with your own sexuality based on your latest blog entry. Why don't you just be yourself and *%@$ the gay community. You should not feel pressured to be someone you are not. I could care less what other gay men think of me as to whether I wear the proper gay attire. I don't aspire to be gay, I aspire to be myself and being gay is a part of who I am much like being a Catholic is a part of who I am. Now does being gay have some affect on how I come across, yes. But I don't introduce myself as "My name is _____ and I'm gay" to every person that I meet (though some within the community would prefer this). It sounds like this is really the issue at hand with a combination of self-esteem issues. You may have had a miserable 10 years, but your young and still have time to embrace the beauty of your own sexuality. Explore, consult, learn who you are, gay or straight, be yourself and don't worry what others think.
19. Thats actually really cool that you're trying to be happy, no matter what it's about. Maybe the "gay community" here has no right to be a bitch like that. What i've learned though is that not the whole world is like that and u dont have to b limited to the united states. But i dont see anythung wrong with u turning straight. I personally wish u good luck on ur journey =)
20. Whatever decide I hope for the best for you!
Just like there are different types of straight people, there are many different types of gay people. Being straight or gay is based purely on sexuality, not on how you dress, act, believe, etc.
In the end, look deep inside and imagine the type of person you want to be in love with. If it's a man, great. If it's a woman, thats great too.
Labels are for tin cans, not people. Love who you want to love and fuck what everyone else says.
21. I do have a friend who feels the same way in the present day. As a tell him, ill tell you Jay, there are lots of guys who are "not into the scene", which sounds like your describing.
My friend will not identify as a "gay community participant" any longer. He listens to death metal for yrs, now in his 40's, talk about not fitting in.
After yrs of being a semi activist (ive been officially out for 15 yrs now), i too have grown tired of of "trying to fit in", somewhere within the confines of the community, and ive tried them all except drug scene, i was never into that even before i came out officially.
While my friend has even noticed the slight change ive made as far as being all up in community standards, he is really struggling with, like your same issues.
I took a different approach, im just chillin from all activities associated with the community, but, im still gay, enjoy the company of men, hot men and one day hope to meet the right one. Point is, dont lose yourself and who you really are. You can be gay, attracted to men but not participate in any thing the gay community has to offer, nobody says you have to, my friend has threatened and even i have said a few times i should try being straight and do things a straight guys would do, but been there, done that already (before coming out).
I really do think its about accepting yourself, as part of the coming out process, most guys i know went through the self loathing/self hating stage, some guys i know either drank or drug themselves up to the point they couldnt function anymore.
Separate the "community" and your own sexual feelings, you maybe still gay but you dont need the baggage. If a women and the lifestyle that comes with being straight appeals to you, (including sex with her), try it and see.
Like i said, been there done that and im happy being a gay man, but not too happy with the community that comes with it.
Let us know how your change is going.
22. Jay- I think everyone is different in their own way. I don't think I have the right to sit here and tell you its right or wrong for you to live whatever life you wanna live. I can relate though and say that being gay feels like a weight on my shoulders or like a ball and chain hooked to my ankle. Matter of fact when I read the part "Ive made the determination to go straight, I already feel better about myself and my future" I took a big breath and let it out, and for a moment sat in your shoes. I commend you for figuring out what makes you happy. Right now for me i'm sticking with it, finding those who love me for being what so many people think of us as.. the scum of the earth. Trying to be a positive representative for the gay community, and once I feel my quest is over I just might find myself in the same boat as you! Goin straight! Do your thing Jay, go wherever your heart desires and worry about what "you" want, not anyone else. Its your heart so follow it wherever you want. I'll be here for you.
23. In a way I can understand what you're saying and feeling. I can't say that being gay and coming to terms with it and all has been the best experience of my life. In many ways I have never felt so unwanted, unloved, demoralized and humiliated among other things. I have been told by guys that I would have to pay them to spend time with me, that I should just go hire a hooker, that I should even turn straight because no guy would ever want me. It can be a very cruel world. But for better or for worse, whether anyone likes it or not, I'm gay. It just is what it is.
That said, I can't say I fault you for what you're doing. It's your decision and you have to do what you feel is right. All I can say is that I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for and that in the end it is worth it.
24. Uh maybe you are just bi and thats ok! You can only do for yourself what you think is best and what makes you happy! I say if you think this is what you want go for it.
==========
So I got a wide range of support from all different types of people, some masculine, some feminine, all different races and locations, all different ages and experiences in the gay community. I would be happy to say that, knowing that there ARE supportive people in the gay community (and that the most vocal and negative, angry, and hurtful people do not speak for these individuals or the community as a whole), if it turns out at the end of this journey that I am in fact gay, or even bisexual, I'm glad to know that I will nonetheless find supportive people both inside the gay community (these folks above) and outside (my close friends and others important in my life).
It's good to know that one doesn't have to live by the dictates of the gay scions who seek to represent all the gay community when they are poor representations of themselves. The gay community is truly diverse, and on balance, more welcoming than divisive so long as one ignores the dictates of those who seek to define your life for you in their terms.
So gay, straight, bi, or what have you, everyone should be free to travel life's path, make their own choices, experience the ups and downs, but in the end, we must respect one another and offer as much support as we can to each other, no matter our choices in life. I know I haven't been respectful in the past to those I felt repulsed by, but that's unfortunate, as I saw them through the lens of the hate I got from the gay scions who are pretty much the largest balls of negativity in the gay community. Had I met their opposites on a regular basis, the down to earth, respectful, and accepting gay men of all backgrounds, my homophobia would have been non-existent.
But instead, the more these angry and hurtful people pushed me to be what they wanted me to be, the more I resisted, and the more I hated them, and I falsely believed they represented the gay mainstream, so I ended up hating the gay community as a whole by extension. I realize now that was wrong of me. A vast majority of gay people (masculine, feminine, old, young, black, Latino, white, liberal, conservative, and everything in between) are pretty damn open-minded to people different from them, accepting of diverse experiences and points of view, and welcoming to everyone no matter their situation in life. I only wish I had experienced that sooner, I would have not had to experience so much hate and anger towards people who really didn't deserve it as they wanted me to just be myself, not tell me who I should be or define me in their terms.
So with that life lesson under my belt, I am trying to impart it on others as well, gay, straight, and bi. People should be judged as individuals, not by the community they belong to or those who believe themselves to represent the community as a whole. Again, a vast majority are highly supportive, and only seek a live and let live approach to life, letting others make their own decisions in life and define themselves as they choose in whatever way brings them the most happiness.
In the end, when you compare the hatred from the first two completely negative and unsupportive people to the positive support from the next 24, it's apparent that most gay folks are pretty damn nice people. I'm not sure where my life's journey will take me when I'm done, but if I end up straight or bi, I have a more positive view of the gay community than I probably would have had if I had only let the most negative individuals represent my impression of the gay community. If I come to determine that I am gay and I can't change it, then likewise, at least I'm glad to know that there ARE kind and supportive people in the community who won't tell me who I should be and attack me for not doing as they demand.
That said, I wish everyone a fantastic week, I hope the best for everyone reading this, and I hope we all find the happiness we deserve in life.
Peace, Love, and Fuzzy Puppies
-- Jay
Questions
So I was up way too late last night reading different articles in Wikipedia about homosexuality, changing one's sexual orientation, etc. It got me to thinking whether it's biologically ingrained or not. I'm sort of an agnostic when it comes to things like that. Present scientific development seems to indicate it is most likely biological, so no choice involved (except perhaps acting on that attraction). But if that's true, my personal trainer and his brother present an interesting question.
I believe they are identical, they looked pretty identical to me, I'll ask my trainer later to confirm that. But his brother is apparently hooking up with dudes now, whereas my trainer is solidly straight, even got married and had a kid. Previously his brother was also into women, dating them and (I presume) having sex with them. So this leads me to two problems. Either both brothers are bi-sexual and have chosen to act on that in different ways, or else homosexuality is a choice (at least in the case of his brother). What if the fact is that it is in fact a choice, and most people choose to be heterosexual because of the presently accepted social norms of society.
I remember about 5 years ago when it was the "in" thing to be bi-sexual among high school and college aged kids. Taking into account the so-called Kinsey scale, it could be entirely possible that the vast majority of the population is bi-sexual (like Sigmund Freud once suggested) and that most people fall somewhere between 100% hetero and 100% homosexual, acting on it in different ways.
Anyway, how does this apply to me? Not sure yet, more research needed. It may ultimately come out that I'm maybe bi-sexual (and my buddy Garret's girlfriend jokingly tells me, no you can't be bi, that's selfish), or maybe I'm pretty much stuck being homosexual who's not attracted to dudes anymore (if I can't overcome the "gay vibe") and as a result be pretty much asexual. I could probably be attracted to a dude like me, but I've come to accept that there really aren't any other dudes like me in the gay population. I came close to finding one with the last guy I was interested in about a month ago, but (not that I should talk) he has major issues he's dealing with, among them body dysmorphia (something I myself went through over the last few years).
Well, I need to get to work, I just wanted to get these thoughts down first.
Peace, love, and awkward introspection!
I believe they are identical, they looked pretty identical to me, I'll ask my trainer later to confirm that. But his brother is apparently hooking up with dudes now, whereas my trainer is solidly straight, even got married and had a kid. Previously his brother was also into women, dating them and (I presume) having sex with them. So this leads me to two problems. Either both brothers are bi-sexual and have chosen to act on that in different ways, or else homosexuality is a choice (at least in the case of his brother). What if the fact is that it is in fact a choice, and most people choose to be heterosexual because of the presently accepted social norms of society.
I remember about 5 years ago when it was the "in" thing to be bi-sexual among high school and college aged kids. Taking into account the so-called Kinsey scale, it could be entirely possible that the vast majority of the population is bi-sexual (like Sigmund Freud once suggested) and that most people fall somewhere between 100% hetero and 100% homosexual, acting on it in different ways.
Anyway, how does this apply to me? Not sure yet, more research needed. It may ultimately come out that I'm maybe bi-sexual (and my buddy Garret's girlfriend jokingly tells me, no you can't be bi, that's selfish), or maybe I'm pretty much stuck being homosexual who's not attracted to dudes anymore (if I can't overcome the "gay vibe") and as a result be pretty much asexual. I could probably be attracted to a dude like me, but I've come to accept that there really aren't any other dudes like me in the gay population. I came close to finding one with the last guy I was interested in about a month ago, but (not that I should talk) he has major issues he's dealing with, among them body dysmorphia (something I myself went through over the last few years).
Well, I need to get to work, I just wanted to get these thoughts down first.
Peace, love, and awkward introspection!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Mission One: Bar-hopping in Larimar Square
So last night me and the gym crew went downtown barhopping for a dude's birthday who didn't even show. Oh well, we still had fun!
I've also learned a lot last night, despite being pretty buzzed. For someone in my situation, going to a bar is like a little league ball player playing in the World Series. Sure you're gonna to get your ass kicked by the better players who've been at this for years, but you still learn something. So I'm a pretty open-minded guy, I saw the sorts of interactions people were having, watching people. I even chatted up this girl that went to school with my bro Zach, bought her a drink, and just kinda evaluated the situation. Garret thinks she was in to me, but I didn't feel any kind of spark there, couldn't really find anything to talk to her about honestly, we hit on the old stuff of what do you do, where are you from, blah blah, but the convo just kinda fizzled after that. She seemed nice enough, but Zach told me that she wasn't worth it, that she's just a drunk and only after that. Not sure if maybe he was cock-blocking me, but I trust him, so I doubt it. There was plenty of cock-blocking going around all night though, that was interesting to see first hand. Like that girl came with her two girlfriends, and this other guy showed up that apparently knew her too, so she ended up talking to him most of the night. But oh well, luck of the draw. In retrospect, probably should have tried talking to her shorter friend, but she seemed kinda peeved most of the night, which is probably why she wasn't getting much attention at all.
All in all, it was an interesting learning experience, and that's really what I'm after, trying to figure out where I'm going on this crazy road trip called life. One thing I was pretty upset about, at least at the time (I'm all right with it now), is that Garret told my friends about me quite a ways back. I wanted to be the one to say something, but Garret said they were asking about me, thinking I was being awkward, shit like that. So that made me worry, not so much that my friends knew about me (and they're still cool with me no matter what I am), but that if I come off as awkward to dudes, I'm definitely going to come off as awkward to women. I'm not sure how to go about fixing that without turning into some kind of emotionally distant prick. I just try to be the good guy, offer to hang with my friends, cuz I know how I get when I'm bored and it's nice to have folks you can hang out with - and Zach in particular lives like a five minute walk from me (until I move) so that's why I figured we could hang out more than we have besides the gym and bars.
Anyway, part of Zach's advice to me was maybe try meeting some chicks at church, or meeting them through friends. He said he'd help me try to find a chick too. So I guess all in all, the one thing I need to figure out is how to lose the "gay vibe" since, like I said, if guys pick up on it, I know chicks can. Won't do me any good trying to get with some chick who automatically thinks I'm gay because I don't know how to play the game by a different set of rules, at least not yet.
Experience, experience, experience, that's the name of the game, get more of it, figure out what works best for me, and go from there. I've got ten years of bad wiring to reprogram (not saying gay people are badly wired, just saying I personally am). It won't be easy, but anything worth doing never is.
Can't embed it, but though this video kind of captured the feeling last night:
Memories by David Guetta (feat. Kid Cudi)
I've also learned a lot last night, despite being pretty buzzed. For someone in my situation, going to a bar is like a little league ball player playing in the World Series. Sure you're gonna to get your ass kicked by the better players who've been at this for years, but you still learn something. So I'm a pretty open-minded guy, I saw the sorts of interactions people were having, watching people. I even chatted up this girl that went to school with my bro Zach, bought her a drink, and just kinda evaluated the situation. Garret thinks she was in to me, but I didn't feel any kind of spark there, couldn't really find anything to talk to her about honestly, we hit on the old stuff of what do you do, where are you from, blah blah, but the convo just kinda fizzled after that. She seemed nice enough, but Zach told me that she wasn't worth it, that she's just a drunk and only after that. Not sure if maybe he was cock-blocking me, but I trust him, so I doubt it. There was plenty of cock-blocking going around all night though, that was interesting to see first hand. Like that girl came with her two girlfriends, and this other guy showed up that apparently knew her too, so she ended up talking to him most of the night. But oh well, luck of the draw. In retrospect, probably should have tried talking to her shorter friend, but she seemed kinda peeved most of the night, which is probably why she wasn't getting much attention at all.
All in all, it was an interesting learning experience, and that's really what I'm after, trying to figure out where I'm going on this crazy road trip called life. One thing I was pretty upset about, at least at the time (I'm all right with it now), is that Garret told my friends about me quite a ways back. I wanted to be the one to say something, but Garret said they were asking about me, thinking I was being awkward, shit like that. So that made me worry, not so much that my friends knew about me (and they're still cool with me no matter what I am), but that if I come off as awkward to dudes, I'm definitely going to come off as awkward to women. I'm not sure how to go about fixing that without turning into some kind of emotionally distant prick. I just try to be the good guy, offer to hang with my friends, cuz I know how I get when I'm bored and it's nice to have folks you can hang out with - and Zach in particular lives like a five minute walk from me (until I move) so that's why I figured we could hang out more than we have besides the gym and bars.
Anyway, part of Zach's advice to me was maybe try meeting some chicks at church, or meeting them through friends. He said he'd help me try to find a chick too. So I guess all in all, the one thing I need to figure out is how to lose the "gay vibe" since, like I said, if guys pick up on it, I know chicks can. Won't do me any good trying to get with some chick who automatically thinks I'm gay because I don't know how to play the game by a different set of rules, at least not yet.
Experience, experience, experience, that's the name of the game, get more of it, figure out what works best for me, and go from there. I've got ten years of bad wiring to reprogram (not saying gay people are badly wired, just saying I personally am). It won't be easy, but anything worth doing never is.
Can't embed it, but though this video kind of captured the feeling last night:
Memories by David Guetta (feat. Kid Cudi)
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Plan of Attack - Squaring a few things away
So met with my personal trainer this afternoon, I've been talking to him about this stuff for the last few weeks. He's a real understanding guy, so I respect his advice and his perspective. He's got a twin that's gay, or at least is going through that phase, but beyond that he doesn't know the first thing about that aspect of what I've gone through. Despite that, he's an open-minded guy who's given me a lot of good advice over the last few months and someone I really look up to like my best friend Garret.
Anyway, so I've been thinking about what I'm going to do now to meet women, get interested in them, develop a relationship, and of course, get to the point I can get sexual with them. That's the main things I have to figure out over the next few months of trial and error.
Something I haven't revealed to many people or on this blog yet is this. Growing up my first two decades, I was constantly failed by the women in my life I was supposed to be able to trust. So my mother abandoned me with my father when I was 13 (her boyfriends were more important to her than I was), my step mother was pretty abusive verbally and mentally (we've since come to terms with our pasts and we get along now), my sister in law (my brother's first wife) was a total b**** to me growing up, and my "sister" (technical half sister, which she constantly reminded people when I was introduced) never accepted this "white boy" (chihonkey she called me) as her brother. So these women who were supposed to be somewhat important in my life, that I was supposed to feel secure and safe with, at every turn they ended up hurting me when I was too young to defend myself. That led to a lot of fears and resentment of women, which combined with all the other issues I dealt with growing up, sort of made the perfect storm of low self esteem and self doubt that led me down a path of lying to myself and others when it came to my sexuality.
Over the last few months, I've sort of defrosted my heart to women. I'm beginning to trust a few close ones in my life: my friend Garret's girlfriend, my boss, my step mother. I don't know how close I am to the point that I could trust women enough to be intimate with women in general, but that's something that will come in time I'm sure.
So outside of that, I've been re-reading a book called "How to Be An Alpha Male" by a guy named John Alexander. I first bought it when I lived in DC because it seemed that you needed a lot of confidence to get anywhere, and the general confidence advice in the book would pretty much apply to any man of any sexuality. But I'm re-reading it now to try to get prepped for how I need to handle the "fairer sex" because let's face it, technically I'm a 28 year old (almost 29) virgin.
Anyway, I feel more self confident now, like how I look (but can always improve), like my career, I am confident in who I am and my knowledge and skills. I know that rejection will happen with women all the same as it has with dudes, but I'm kinda to the point where I can just shrug it off. Besides, like the Alpha Male book says, you can't take rejection personally, if they don't want to spend time with you and get to know you, then that's their loss, not yours.
Beyond that, I'm trying to decide what I'm going to do in regards to meeting women. My personal trainer suggested going for cougars. They are generally not looking for a commitment, have a lot of experience, and would be a good way of getting my feet wet, so to speak. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be interested in dating a cougar long term, but his advice makes sense since experience is what I need, and a lot of it as quickly as possible. It's just a matter of re-wiring my thought patterns to get "in the mood" with women, since I've got years of the psychological block due to trust issues. I don't think it would be healthy to go jumping into sexual relationships though, right off the bat, until I do get more comfortable trusting women in general.
So before I try for cougars, I think I should focus my efforts on developing maybe even just platonic relationships with women, moving on from there to more intimate relationships. The one thing I do have to be careful of is not getting pegged as the "friend", since that won't allow me to grow beyond that level in most cases. Chances are I will take things very slowly with any women I date, and as my PT suggests, I should date a handful of women at the same time. I agree, since that will give me a wide range of interactions and experiences and let me learn faster what it is I like and don't like when it comes to relationships with women.
I have considered possibly posting back online looking for women, but something about that just doesn't sit well with me considering my experience with guys online and various dating sites. I'd much rather meet them through my friends or I might consider getting involved with some organizations again that mesh with my interests and allow me to show off my confidence. The book also suggests yoga classes since that is mostly women too, with the added health benefits that come with it. I used to do some yoga classes and I've been thinking of getting back into it, so I might start that up too.
In the end there are a wide variety of options available to me, far more than were available as a "gay man". Hell, just consider the math, if women make up half the population, and gay/bi men only 5-10%, that gives me only one tenth of half the population to choose from, then you have to consider the factors of age, interests, chemistry, and by the time that's said and done, I have less than one one hundreth of a percent of the population to choose from as a "gay man". Whereas as a straight man, I have half the population, and then when you factor in demographics, interest, and chemistry, I probably still have at least 10% of the population to choose from.
Anyway, I'm rambling, I need to get some stuff packed for my move, just wanted to get my thoughts down while they were still fresh in my mind.
Peace, love, and Japanese beer!
-- Jay
Anyway, so I've been thinking about what I'm going to do now to meet women, get interested in them, develop a relationship, and of course, get to the point I can get sexual with them. That's the main things I have to figure out over the next few months of trial and error.
Something I haven't revealed to many people or on this blog yet is this. Growing up my first two decades, I was constantly failed by the women in my life I was supposed to be able to trust. So my mother abandoned me with my father when I was 13 (her boyfriends were more important to her than I was), my step mother was pretty abusive verbally and mentally (we've since come to terms with our pasts and we get along now), my sister in law (my brother's first wife) was a total b**** to me growing up, and my "sister" (technical half sister, which she constantly reminded people when I was introduced) never accepted this "white boy" (chihonkey she called me) as her brother. So these women who were supposed to be somewhat important in my life, that I was supposed to feel secure and safe with, at every turn they ended up hurting me when I was too young to defend myself. That led to a lot of fears and resentment of women, which combined with all the other issues I dealt with growing up, sort of made the perfect storm of low self esteem and self doubt that led me down a path of lying to myself and others when it came to my sexuality.
Over the last few months, I've sort of defrosted my heart to women. I'm beginning to trust a few close ones in my life: my friend Garret's girlfriend, my boss, my step mother. I don't know how close I am to the point that I could trust women enough to be intimate with women in general, but that's something that will come in time I'm sure.
So outside of that, I've been re-reading a book called "How to Be An Alpha Male" by a guy named John Alexander. I first bought it when I lived in DC because it seemed that you needed a lot of confidence to get anywhere, and the general confidence advice in the book would pretty much apply to any man of any sexuality. But I'm re-reading it now to try to get prepped for how I need to handle the "fairer sex" because let's face it, technically I'm a 28 year old (almost 29) virgin.
Anyway, I feel more self confident now, like how I look (but can always improve), like my career, I am confident in who I am and my knowledge and skills. I know that rejection will happen with women all the same as it has with dudes, but I'm kinda to the point where I can just shrug it off. Besides, like the Alpha Male book says, you can't take rejection personally, if they don't want to spend time with you and get to know you, then that's their loss, not yours.
Beyond that, I'm trying to decide what I'm going to do in regards to meeting women. My personal trainer suggested going for cougars. They are generally not looking for a commitment, have a lot of experience, and would be a good way of getting my feet wet, so to speak. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be interested in dating a cougar long term, but his advice makes sense since experience is what I need, and a lot of it as quickly as possible. It's just a matter of re-wiring my thought patterns to get "in the mood" with women, since I've got years of the psychological block due to trust issues. I don't think it would be healthy to go jumping into sexual relationships though, right off the bat, until I do get more comfortable trusting women in general.
So before I try for cougars, I think I should focus my efforts on developing maybe even just platonic relationships with women, moving on from there to more intimate relationships. The one thing I do have to be careful of is not getting pegged as the "friend", since that won't allow me to grow beyond that level in most cases. Chances are I will take things very slowly with any women I date, and as my PT suggests, I should date a handful of women at the same time. I agree, since that will give me a wide range of interactions and experiences and let me learn faster what it is I like and don't like when it comes to relationships with women.
I have considered possibly posting back online looking for women, but something about that just doesn't sit well with me considering my experience with guys online and various dating sites. I'd much rather meet them through my friends or I might consider getting involved with some organizations again that mesh with my interests and allow me to show off my confidence. The book also suggests yoga classes since that is mostly women too, with the added health benefits that come with it. I used to do some yoga classes and I've been thinking of getting back into it, so I might start that up too.
In the end there are a wide variety of options available to me, far more than were available as a "gay man". Hell, just consider the math, if women make up half the population, and gay/bi men only 5-10%, that gives me only one tenth of half the population to choose from, then you have to consider the factors of age, interests, chemistry, and by the time that's said and done, I have less than one one hundreth of a percent of the population to choose from as a "gay man". Whereas as a straight man, I have half the population, and then when you factor in demographics, interest, and chemistry, I probably still have at least 10% of the population to choose from.
Anyway, I'm rambling, I need to get some stuff packed for my move, just wanted to get my thoughts down while they were still fresh in my mind.
Peace, love, and Japanese beer!
-- Jay
Friday, July 16, 2010
An Apology, and looking forward!
So this is my private blog, basically my diary chronicling everything I've been through in the last few years and my path going forward. There was a lot of anger and hate at the start because, well, I'm human and I'm not perfect. I had to work through those issues and become a better person. I realized that I harbored a lot of anger and hate towards people I felt had dictated who I should be and how I should live my life. I know I hate when people do this to me, and I imagine in some way by lashing out at those same people, I was dictating how I thought they should act and how they should live their lives.
So going forward, I promise I will not dictate anyone's life for them. I'm not God, I don't have that right, and besides, I can't honestly say I know what's best for everyone in their own situations.
So if anyone feels offended by anything I have said on here or anything I've said in the past, I sincerely apologize, especially if it came off as though I was telling you some type of standard you should live up to. I have no standards for others anymore, just come as you are. I can only accept you as you are, or I'm no better than those who reject those who are different and demand conformity.
So again, I sincerely apologize to any I have offended with my anger and hate. I have worked through those issues, improved as a person, and I am ready to leave my past behind, as indeed I hope everyone does at some point. Holding on to the past, living in the past, these are not positive places to be. It is far better to live in the present, do the best you can for one another, and have high hopes for the future.
Treat each other with as much kindness as you can, because life is too short for hate. I wrote this as a way of trying to do my part to promote a little good karma in the world for all the bad I might have created over the years.
I wish everyone only the best, even those who hate me for reasons I can't change. I love my enemies because to do any less would make me no better than they are. I only hope that they one day leave their own hate and anger behind and join me on being a better person and looking forward to a better future.
Peace, love, and applesause!
So going forward, I promise I will not dictate anyone's life for them. I'm not God, I don't have that right, and besides, I can't honestly say I know what's best for everyone in their own situations.
So if anyone feels offended by anything I have said on here or anything I've said in the past, I sincerely apologize, especially if it came off as though I was telling you some type of standard you should live up to. I have no standards for others anymore, just come as you are. I can only accept you as you are, or I'm no better than those who reject those who are different and demand conformity.
So again, I sincerely apologize to any I have offended with my anger and hate. I have worked through those issues, improved as a person, and I am ready to leave my past behind, as indeed I hope everyone does at some point. Holding on to the past, living in the past, these are not positive places to be. It is far better to live in the present, do the best you can for one another, and have high hopes for the future.
Treat each other with as much kindness as you can, because life is too short for hate. I wrote this as a way of trying to do my part to promote a little good karma in the world for all the bad I might have created over the years.
I wish everyone only the best, even those who hate me for reasons I can't change. I love my enemies because to do any less would make me no better than they are. I only hope that they one day leave their own hate and anger behind and join me on being a better person and looking forward to a better future.
Peace, love, and applesause!
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