So I've been linked from Connexion again (yes I track where people see my blog from) and apparently it's in connection to the recent statement made by Ken Buck on Meet the Press:
GREGORY: Do you believe that being gay is a choice?
BUCK: I do.
GREGORY: Based on what?
BUCK: Based on what? I guess you can choose who your partner is. GREGORY: You don't think it's something that's determined at birth?
BUCK: I think that birth has an influence over it, like alcoholism and some other things, but I think that basically, you have a choice.
So another commenter on the board actually made this point, but choosing to act on your homosexuality is a choice. Let's say for the sake of argument that being homosexual is 100% genetic (and science hasn't concluded that yet, nor will gay activists allow further study into other avenues, but I digress). No one holds a gun to your head forcing you to have sex with another dude, right? So you do have the choice on acting on your homosexuality.
But on the point of homosexuality being like alcoholism (and I believe it is), it is like a compulsion and comprised of habitual actions. For those of you reading this, how often have you had anonyomous sex with a one night stand and felt guilt or regret after wards, only to do the same again the next weekend? How often have you felt that you seek out the same types of guys, hoping to find someone who matches you and completes you, looking for that guy that has what you feel like you lack in yourself? How often have you tried again and again to fit into the gay culture only to be burned out of the drama, BS, and back stabbing that goes with the scene?
Homosexuality is a sexual preference, gay is a lifestyle. Everyone has a choice as to what lifestyle they will pursue. There can be plenty of non-gay homosexuals in the world (and plenty have contacted me about this subject). They are made to feel rejected and alone, but surprisingly, they seem to make up the majority of the homosexual population. Unfortunately, they have been so brainwashed by the gay activists, that they don't believe that there is any choice other than to be outcast and miserable (but true to themselves) or fake and fit into the gay culture.
For those of you reading this who are 100% content being gay, amen, more power to you, this blog isn't for you, this blog offers nothing in your favor, nor does it seek to "convert" you to something you're not comfortable being. But that works both ways, there are many homosexual men who are NOT happy with the gay lifestyle and who question if there is something more, a better path for themselves. Those are the men I addressed in the third paragraph questions. Gay affirmative therapy is just as damaging to these men as reparative therapy would be to gay men who are content with the gay lifestyle. Forcing people to be something counter their ideals and values is inexcusable. Again, that works both ways. Those men trying to overcome and leave behind their gay past and even overcome their homosexuality shouldn't be attacked by those who are, supposedly, 100% happy being gay. If you're happy, go be happy, leave the guys trying to be happy too alone.
Homosexuality is neither a choice nor is it biological, it's a mix of the two, and like alcoholism, certain situations can exacerbate the inherent nature of the individual and the ailment will manifest. Someone could have alcoholism run in their family, doesn't mean they will be an alcoholic, but it does mean that they have a higher propensity to turn to alcoholism as a coping mechanism if something affects them deeply and negatively. The same is true for homosexuality. Certain people probably have genetic precursors that could lead to homosexuality, but whether they act on it or not depends on other environmental situations. In either case, both are a method of coping with situations that at that time are beyond our control. Neither is inherently evil, but both can lead to negative outcomes in extreme cases and when the compulsion rises to the level of absolute dependency.
So hopefully that clarifies issues a little more. I am sure I will still have plenty of critics from the gay left, and again, this blog isn't for them as I am not trying to "convert" people who are content with their situations. This blog is for those men who are not content and who want to seek another path in life.
And for the record, AGAIN, I am NOT religious, so I don't buy the whole "pray the gay away". It might work for those individuals who are deeply religious, but I'm not, so it won't work for me. My approach is more based on reason, logic, and psychology.
PS One thing I always got a kick out of from the gay community was how they can defend any sort of discrimination or offense from a Democrat, but if a Republican were to do the same, he or she is the most vilest person on the planet since Attila the Hun. That was mentioned briefly in the Connexion link, and something I'm fairly used to from the gay left.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Words of Encouragement from my Trainer
I wanted to make a record of this in case something happens to the text message because what he said to me means a lot. I am thankful for the support he's given me and how he always seems to know the right things to say to get me back on the right path.
I sent him a snippet of the lyrics from the song Everyday by Rascal Flatts.
Wow man - I just got back from church and got your message. That's very moving bro, thank you. Yet I hope you realize you inspire me to challenge myself as well. Thanks for being so open and honest with me as well as yourself. You are a great person and I believe you are meant to do many great things and overcome many great challenges in life. Keep your head up bro! Life is calling you and all you gotta do is listen and follow the voice of truth that's speaking to you. You're a great man, and I'm proud to call you my client and friend, it's always real and just stay motivated, focused and open and before you know it life is changed before you. Thanks again for your kind words bro. Ttyl
I sent him a snippet of the lyrics from the song Everyday by Rascal Flatts.
Reflections on This Weekend
So I thought I'd write a bit about what I did this weekend and some new goals. Saturday I went to the AA meeting with my trainer, and had a few questions pop in my mind. First one being, do I really have to use God (whatever I conceive "God" to be) as a support? Well as I said before, being a deist, it's tough for me to view god as a personally involved entity when I haven't viewed god in such a way for most of my life. According to some of the other participants, the purpose of reliance on god is to destroy the ego and pride within that says "I don't need anyone's help, I can do this on my own." Well, personally I never thought I could do this on my own, that's why I rely on the support of my close friends, my family, and all the information I can get my hands on, including other people's experiences with addictions and homosexuality.
But this idea of destroying the ego got me to thinking, how do you destroy your ego if you have no identity? I've spent most of my life having my identity externally defined by others that I never really developed a core identity of my own. I honestly don't know who I am, I only know myself by what others have defined me as, both positive and negative characteristics. So one goal (more on this later) is to develop my own internal identity, on my terms, ignoring what others think of me, especially if their definition of me is something negative.
Hearing the members of the AA discussion group talk about their epiphany moments when they realized that they needed to change made me wonder, what would be rock bottom for me, and do I have to go that far to effectively change my life for the better? Would it be getting HIV? Would it be becoming addicted to meth and rampant unprotected sex with numerous anonymous men? Would it be going back into the gay culture and doing the above in addition to whatever other addictions would go with it, and spending all my time among other homosexual addicts? I don't see myself going that route at this point, so I would hope that I don't need to hit "rock bottom" to have my epiphany moment. I still think my epiphany was July 12th, even though, like many addicts, I've relapsed several times since then. But after each relapse, my desire to jack off to pictures of dudes or even hook up with a dude decreases more and more. In the last 3 months, I’ve only acted on my homosexuality with another dude three times, a big improvement over my previous life of a different dude every weekend. I recognize the triggers now and I’ve learned gradually to set effective boundaries to ensure I don’t fall into the same self destructive patterns again. I admit it is tough, being as the homosexual addiction is all I’ve known for a decade. But if narcotic addicts and alcoholics can overcome their addictions, so can I through hard work and perseverance.
One thing one of the AA participants mentioned was meditation. Something I’ve not done because I tend to think too much. So I think I’m going to consider looking into how to meditate positively and work on reducing the negative thoughts in my mind that prevent me from growing as a person. One thing my trainer said to me was going to the AA meetings is positive in a somewhat negative way in that you look around and see people who have gone through a lot worse. But in a way, this is ultimately positive because if you see people worse off, you know better than to follow their path and end up the same.
Another thing one of the participants said was that the “ism” is a symptom of deeper issues. I know this to be true and it seems to be a common thread among those of us who go down the homosexual addiction path that we seek out in other males something we feel we are missing in ourselves. Whether it be some physical trait (the most common root cause) or some other aspect we feel we lack (masculinity for example). So we seek out in those other males temporary situations where we feel like complete men by getting sexually intimate with another male that possesses those qualities we seek. We’re not attracted to the person, we’re attracted to those traits we wish we had ourselves and we’re just using them to fill that void we perceive in ourselves. Thus, lack of self confidence and low self esteem sent many of us down this path of addiction, and ergo the surest way to overcome that root cause is to build your personal self worth to the point where you no longer need to seek out in other males what you feel you lack because you have it within yourself. In fact, this seems to be a common trait with addictions in general in that the purpose of the addiction is to cover up that void we feel within ourselves so that we can ignore it, if even for a small time.
The Evergreen group (an overcoming same gender attraction group comprised of Mormon men) was an interesting and largely positive experience. It was a very small group. One participant’s story in particular resonated with my experience and gives me a lot of hope for my own progress.
They suggested several resources to me including a pamphlet from the LDS called “God Loveth His Children”. Granted this document is heavily religious, and again, I’m not. But my world view is based on the idea of trying to avoid negativity. Religious people call that avoiding sin and temptation. Whether one believes in a god or not, avoiding negative situations and outcomes should be something we all strive for. Can some people be happy in their homosexual addiction? Sure, I suppose, just as some people can be happy being an alcoholic or drug addict. It certainly makes you feel good to be drunk or high, and for a time, you forget your worries and don’t care about anything but enjoying the moment, regardless of the potential consequences.
Again, I know that will piss some gay people off me comparing homosexuality to an addiction, but I’m sorry, they are analogous. The mentality is the same, or perhaps worse, because so many homosexual addicts have been brainwashed that they can’t change who they are. I’m not talking about the ones that don’t want to change and are “happy” being gay, I’m talking about the ones who recognize the negativity inherent in homosexuality and want to escape it, but feel they can’t because they see it as inherent to who they are. Granted some alcoholics feel the same way, that change isn’t possible and they just have to accept that they’re stuck with their addiction. But any addiction can be overcome, even a genetically predisposed one like alcoholism or homosexuality.
The Evergreen group opened with a quotation from C.S. Lewis on Temptation:
And that got me thinking about whether we should put ourselves into situations where we are faced with our temptations in order to fight against them and overcome them. Maybe it’s like working out at the gym. If you only curl a 5lbs dumbbell, your arm will never get bigger (well maybe if you curl it hundreds of times non-stop). We definitely must fight and not succumb to our temptations, but does this mean we avoid them, does this mean we should seek them out? Would putting ourselves in those situations risk too much and risk the chance that we will fall to our temptations, or would being in that situation and standing up to them give us greater strength and allow us to overcome future temptations as well? I think ultimately it depends on the individual. When we feel sufficiently grounded within our own identities, we know that we can easily stand up to any temptation that comes our way because we’re over it, it no longer has that same power and control over us that it once had. If we’re not to that point yet, then placing ourselves in that situation is probably not the best course of action until we reach that point where we are stronger individuals and more secure in our identities.
So with all that said, my first major goal is to develop that strong self identity, that internalized self worth and strong self confidence that will allow me to stand on my own feet as an individual defined by my own terms and able to overcome any challenges or obstacles that come my way. This may take months or years to achieve. I know that one aspect is the physical; physically I’m not where I want to be yet. I think back on the types of guys I’ve sought out and I want to be like them. Once I am like them, or have even surpassed them, the physical goal will have been achieved. Social is another aspect that needs work, and that’s an ongoing process. But I’ve already made a lot of progress there, and I don’t feel I’m the same person I was two years ago in that regard. Outside of that, I already have a lot of personal traits that comprise my individual identity that I have to be confident of, including my intelligence, my loyalty, my ambition, and my dedication to all my life goals.
All in all it’s been a very productive weekend and I look forward to moving beyond this addiction and developing new strategies to overcome challenges and develop my personal identity.
But this idea of destroying the ego got me to thinking, how do you destroy your ego if you have no identity? I've spent most of my life having my identity externally defined by others that I never really developed a core identity of my own. I honestly don't know who I am, I only know myself by what others have defined me as, both positive and negative characteristics. So one goal (more on this later) is to develop my own internal identity, on my terms, ignoring what others think of me, especially if their definition of me is something negative.
Hearing the members of the AA discussion group talk about their epiphany moments when they realized that they needed to change made me wonder, what would be rock bottom for me, and do I have to go that far to effectively change my life for the better? Would it be getting HIV? Would it be becoming addicted to meth and rampant unprotected sex with numerous anonymous men? Would it be going back into the gay culture and doing the above in addition to whatever other addictions would go with it, and spending all my time among other homosexual addicts? I don't see myself going that route at this point, so I would hope that I don't need to hit "rock bottom" to have my epiphany moment. I still think my epiphany was July 12th, even though, like many addicts, I've relapsed several times since then. But after each relapse, my desire to jack off to pictures of dudes or even hook up with a dude decreases more and more. In the last 3 months, I’ve only acted on my homosexuality with another dude three times, a big improvement over my previous life of a different dude every weekend. I recognize the triggers now and I’ve learned gradually to set effective boundaries to ensure I don’t fall into the same self destructive patterns again. I admit it is tough, being as the homosexual addiction is all I’ve known for a decade. But if narcotic addicts and alcoholics can overcome their addictions, so can I through hard work and perseverance.
One thing one of the AA participants mentioned was meditation. Something I’ve not done because I tend to think too much. So I think I’m going to consider looking into how to meditate positively and work on reducing the negative thoughts in my mind that prevent me from growing as a person. One thing my trainer said to me was going to the AA meetings is positive in a somewhat negative way in that you look around and see people who have gone through a lot worse. But in a way, this is ultimately positive because if you see people worse off, you know better than to follow their path and end up the same.
Another thing one of the participants said was that the “ism” is a symptom of deeper issues. I know this to be true and it seems to be a common thread among those of us who go down the homosexual addiction path that we seek out in other males something we feel we are missing in ourselves. Whether it be some physical trait (the most common root cause) or some other aspect we feel we lack (masculinity for example). So we seek out in those other males temporary situations where we feel like complete men by getting sexually intimate with another male that possesses those qualities we seek. We’re not attracted to the person, we’re attracted to those traits we wish we had ourselves and we’re just using them to fill that void we perceive in ourselves. Thus, lack of self confidence and low self esteem sent many of us down this path of addiction, and ergo the surest way to overcome that root cause is to build your personal self worth to the point where you no longer need to seek out in other males what you feel you lack because you have it within yourself. In fact, this seems to be a common trait with addictions in general in that the purpose of the addiction is to cover up that void we feel within ourselves so that we can ignore it, if even for a small time.
The Evergreen group (an overcoming same gender attraction group comprised of Mormon men) was an interesting and largely positive experience. It was a very small group. One participant’s story in particular resonated with my experience and gives me a lot of hope for my own progress.
They suggested several resources to me including a pamphlet from the LDS called “God Loveth His Children”. Granted this document is heavily religious, and again, I’m not. But my world view is based on the idea of trying to avoid negativity. Religious people call that avoiding sin and temptation. Whether one believes in a god or not, avoiding negative situations and outcomes should be something we all strive for. Can some people be happy in their homosexual addiction? Sure, I suppose, just as some people can be happy being an alcoholic or drug addict. It certainly makes you feel good to be drunk or high, and for a time, you forget your worries and don’t care about anything but enjoying the moment, regardless of the potential consequences.
Again, I know that will piss some gay people off me comparing homosexuality to an addiction, but I’m sorry, they are analogous. The mentality is the same, or perhaps worse, because so many homosexual addicts have been brainwashed that they can’t change who they are. I’m not talking about the ones that don’t want to change and are “happy” being gay, I’m talking about the ones who recognize the negativity inherent in homosexuality and want to escape it, but feel they can’t because they see it as inherent to who they are. Granted some alcoholics feel the same way, that change isn’t possible and they just have to accept that they’re stuck with their addiction. But any addiction can be overcome, even a genetically predisposed one like alcoholism or homosexuality.
The Evergreen group opened with a quotation from C.S. Lewis on Temptation:
“A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.”
And that got me thinking about whether we should put ourselves into situations where we are faced with our temptations in order to fight against them and overcome them. Maybe it’s like working out at the gym. If you only curl a 5lbs dumbbell, your arm will never get bigger (well maybe if you curl it hundreds of times non-stop). We definitely must fight and not succumb to our temptations, but does this mean we avoid them, does this mean we should seek them out? Would putting ourselves in those situations risk too much and risk the chance that we will fall to our temptations, or would being in that situation and standing up to them give us greater strength and allow us to overcome future temptations as well? I think ultimately it depends on the individual. When we feel sufficiently grounded within our own identities, we know that we can easily stand up to any temptation that comes our way because we’re over it, it no longer has that same power and control over us that it once had. If we’re not to that point yet, then placing ourselves in that situation is probably not the best course of action until we reach that point where we are stronger individuals and more secure in our identities.
So with all that said, my first major goal is to develop that strong self identity, that internalized self worth and strong self confidence that will allow me to stand on my own feet as an individual defined by my own terms and able to overcome any challenges or obstacles that come my way. This may take months or years to achieve. I know that one aspect is the physical; physically I’m not where I want to be yet. I think back on the types of guys I’ve sought out and I want to be like them. Once I am like them, or have even surpassed them, the physical goal will have been achieved. Social is another aspect that needs work, and that’s an ongoing process. But I’ve already made a lot of progress there, and I don’t feel I’m the same person I was two years ago in that regard. Outside of that, I already have a lot of personal traits that comprise my individual identity that I have to be confident of, including my intelligence, my loyalty, my ambition, and my dedication to all my life goals.
All in all it’s been a very productive weekend and I look forward to moving beyond this addiction and developing new strategies to overcome challenges and develop my personal identity.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Looking Foward - A New Chapter
So I'm going to have a pretty interesting weekend. Today I'm meeting with the trainer at the pool and hopefully my book comes in today, and likely go to another AA meeting as well. But tomorrow I go to my first Evergreen meeting here in Denver. I'm not sure what to expect, but apparently there will be two LDS bishops there observing and getting a feel for the organization. And being I'm not LDS, nor do I buy into the "homosexuality is a sin" argument, I will probably be a bit out of place.
I don't believe in sin, I believe that certain actions we take are either positive or negative to ourselves, those around us, or our personal conception of "god", if we have one. Being mainly a deist, I don't believe in a highly involved "god" directly involved in our personal lives, etc. So the idea of sin is something that doesn't mesh well with my world view. For me, homosexuality is negative because of what it inherently is (and only someone who has experienced it from the inside can truly see it for what it is). It is a superficial, degrading, emasculating (in all senses of the word) and depressing form of socialization. It is based on the premise that sex is the only thing that matters in life and thus, have as much as you can with as many people as you can, provided they meet your superficial standards of "hotness" as defined by the gay media that expects all gay men to be over six foot, Abercrombie and Fitch model wannabes with perfect bodies and perpetually early 20s. If you look like that and are happy with yourself, and all your myriad partners are happy too, more power to ya. For those of us that want something more substantial or stable, we're shit out of luck.
So anyway, again, homosexuality is negative, it prohibits me from growing as a person, becoming a complete and positive person, and reaching my full potential. So I'm on this path to overcome that dark part of my life and try to rectify all the mistakes I've made so far. I'm very near to reducing my total gay friends to maybe one, and only talking to him because he gets me, understands why I'm trying to do this, and what I'm doing it for, and he's several hundred miles away in DC, so it doesn't really bother me that I can't hang out with him on a regular basis. What irks me are people in the same city/state who never want to hang out.
Well, I thought I'd close this entry with this video, it's from Rascal Flatts and it's called Stand.
I don't believe in sin, I believe that certain actions we take are either positive or negative to ourselves, those around us, or our personal conception of "god", if we have one. Being mainly a deist, I don't believe in a highly involved "god" directly involved in our personal lives, etc. So the idea of sin is something that doesn't mesh well with my world view. For me, homosexuality is negative because of what it inherently is (and only someone who has experienced it from the inside can truly see it for what it is). It is a superficial, degrading, emasculating (in all senses of the word) and depressing form of socialization. It is based on the premise that sex is the only thing that matters in life and thus, have as much as you can with as many people as you can, provided they meet your superficial standards of "hotness" as defined by the gay media that expects all gay men to be over six foot, Abercrombie and Fitch model wannabes with perfect bodies and perpetually early 20s. If you look like that and are happy with yourself, and all your myriad partners are happy too, more power to ya. For those of us that want something more substantial or stable, we're shit out of luck.
So anyway, again, homosexuality is negative, it prohibits me from growing as a person, becoming a complete and positive person, and reaching my full potential. So I'm on this path to overcome that dark part of my life and try to rectify all the mistakes I've made so far. I'm very near to reducing my total gay friends to maybe one, and only talking to him because he gets me, understands why I'm trying to do this, and what I'm doing it for, and he's several hundred miles away in DC, so it doesn't really bother me that I can't hang out with him on a regular basis. What irks me are people in the same city/state who never want to hang out.
Well, I thought I'd close this entry with this video, it's from Rascal Flatts and it's called Stand.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Fantastic Weekend and Looking Forward
I came across this document online and I've skimmed it, but I plan to re-read it more in depth this week. It's called the Four Principles of Growth. Those four principles are:
1. Masculinity - Need to feel manly and relate to other men
2. Authenticity - Getting away from the false self, facing real feelings in open relationships
3. Need Fulfillment - Seeking out/maintaining positive relationships
4. Surrender - Letting go of negative situations and seeking positive ones
This weekend was all around positive for my personal growth in all these regards.
Saturday I got up early to finish off a quiz for accounting, then I went hiking with a good friend, enjoyed talking to him and getting outside for a bit. After that I met with my trainer to get some new running shoes, and spent some time with him before going to an AA meeting with him, then talking to him about an hour after we got back about the experience and what I had in mind after wards.
Sunday, I was up early again, did a little housework and then hit the gym, when I got back, my roommate was up and getting ready to go shooting in the mountains. He invited me along and I figured, why not? So we had a few assault rifles and smaller arms, I shot the .22 and the Glock because of my crappy shoulder, didn't want to deal with the kick on an AR. It was a lot of fun, since I hadn't shot since the military.
I also successfully avoided two potentially negative situations, I won't go into detail, but it basically would have resulted in relapse. The homosexuality is a sexual addiction, and I fully believe and accept that, and like any addiction, I have to be cognizant of the triggers, avoid those situations that would lead me back down the negative path, and seek out positive alternatives, like hanging out with friends, my trainer, and my roommate. I've been "sober" about a month now, and I plan to keep it that way.
I should be getting my book sometime this week too, so then I'll have something to work through and improve myself intrinsically. Little by little, one day at a time, I'll get over this, get beyond it, and be a complete and healthy person.
1. Masculinity - Need to feel manly and relate to other men
2. Authenticity - Getting away from the false self, facing real feelings in open relationships
3. Need Fulfillment - Seeking out/maintaining positive relationships
4. Surrender - Letting go of negative situations and seeking positive ones
This weekend was all around positive for my personal growth in all these regards.
Saturday I got up early to finish off a quiz for accounting, then I went hiking with a good friend, enjoyed talking to him and getting outside for a bit. After that I met with my trainer to get some new running shoes, and spent some time with him before going to an AA meeting with him, then talking to him about an hour after we got back about the experience and what I had in mind after wards.
Sunday, I was up early again, did a little housework and then hit the gym, when I got back, my roommate was up and getting ready to go shooting in the mountains. He invited me along and I figured, why not? So we had a few assault rifles and smaller arms, I shot the .22 and the Glock because of my crappy shoulder, didn't want to deal with the kick on an AR. It was a lot of fun, since I hadn't shot since the military.
I also successfully avoided two potentially negative situations, I won't go into detail, but it basically would have resulted in relapse. The homosexuality is a sexual addiction, and I fully believe and accept that, and like any addiction, I have to be cognizant of the triggers, avoid those situations that would lead me back down the negative path, and seek out positive alternatives, like hanging out with friends, my trainer, and my roommate. I've been "sober" about a month now, and I plan to keep it that way.
I should be getting my book sometime this week too, so then I'll have something to work through and improve myself intrinsically. Little by little, one day at a time, I'll get over this, get beyond it, and be a complete and healthy person.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Homosexuality is an Addiction
I've been meditating on this idea for several months now, and I've decided to make that bold statement. This will piss some gays off, and that's fine, I don't really care at this point. Should I care what opinion a drug addict has of me? Should I be concerned that I'm offending someone with the same mentality? Whether they like to admit it or not, homosexuality isn't a "natural state", it's an addiction. All it takes is looking at what is held up as the gay ideal to realize this is truth.
Is the gay ideal someone with personal responsibility, a stable career and home life, mental stability, and who is more or less well adjusted compared to his social peers? Or is the gay norm more along the lines of someone who is an avid clubber, irresponsible and immature (no matter his age), sexually promiscuous (and unsafe), dabbles in regular drug use, jumps from relationship to relationship and job to job, and who has more than a fair share of mental issues.
Am I generalizing? Sure, but just take a look at the gay media in any standard gay rag in any major city. How many sexually oriented ads do you see, how many for hookup sites, how many for raves (well known for rampant drug use)? "Oh you find the same stuff in straight rags" Yes, towards the back usually, and only a few pages instead of throughout the entire rag. Point is, it's ingrained into the gay culture to demonstrate an addictive personality, additionally, it's reinforced through peer pressure. If I had a dollar for every time someone said I wasn't "gay enough" because I refused to go to a certain club, be into a certain sexually provocative singer, get drunk/stoned/do poppers and have unprotected sex, I'd be pretty rich.
Anyway, long story short, I realized why I couldn't find gay people supportive of me and my issues was because I was trying to get help from other addicts to overcome the same addiction we all have. A cocaine addict probably isn't going to get a lot of help from another cocaine addict to overcome his addiction. Ideally I would like to find someone who went through this and overcame their demons and now lives a happy and fulfilled life away from the homosexual addiction.
It's tough to find, I admit, because ex-gays are forced back into a new closet not because of their shame or self hatred, but because gays are too intolerant to accept that sometimes people aren't happy being gay and they want to get away from a negative lifestyle. Gays often accuse me of playing the victim card (how I don't know, I don't want anyone's pity, this is just my way of venting and hopefully helping others going through the same issues), or they accuse me of being self-hating because I hate them and all they stand for. Like I told a gay acquaintance of mine, it's not the idea that I'm a homo that makes me uncomfortable, it's the idea that the rest of you are. If more gay guys were like me, I wouldn't care as much, but no, they are as I've described above in addition to their strong unnatural shame of their own gender through their actions and mannerisms. If guys want to portray themselves as women, more power to them, but don't expect a guy that is attracted to guys to find a guy who wants to be a woman attractive. I'm not sure why that concept is so hard for a vast majority of gay men to understand or accept. I realized that the reason why I couldn't find a positive gay influence is because such a thing doesn't exist. My ideal of a positive gay man doesn't exist because individuality, personal responsibility, ambition, and moral strength aren't ideals held very high by the gay community.
So with my realization that homosexuality is an addiction, I've decided to seek help along those lines. I'm going to start attending AA meetings with my trainer, granted not the same sort of addiction, but all addictions share a certain level of commonalities. I also bought the book Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality, and I'll start reading that and working through it when I get it. Hopefully in a few years I'll be over this addiction and I can live a happier more drama-free live away from people who look down on me for not living up to their standards, have way too many issues of their own, and being all around negative influences on my life to this point.
Is the gay ideal someone with personal responsibility, a stable career and home life, mental stability, and who is more or less well adjusted compared to his social peers? Or is the gay norm more along the lines of someone who is an avid clubber, irresponsible and immature (no matter his age), sexually promiscuous (and unsafe), dabbles in regular drug use, jumps from relationship to relationship and job to job, and who has more than a fair share of mental issues.
Am I generalizing? Sure, but just take a look at the gay media in any standard gay rag in any major city. How many sexually oriented ads do you see, how many for hookup sites, how many for raves (well known for rampant drug use)? "Oh you find the same stuff in straight rags" Yes, towards the back usually, and only a few pages instead of throughout the entire rag. Point is, it's ingrained into the gay culture to demonstrate an addictive personality, additionally, it's reinforced through peer pressure. If I had a dollar for every time someone said I wasn't "gay enough" because I refused to go to a certain club, be into a certain sexually provocative singer, get drunk/stoned/do poppers and have unprotected sex, I'd be pretty rich.
Anyway, long story short, I realized why I couldn't find gay people supportive of me and my issues was because I was trying to get help from other addicts to overcome the same addiction we all have. A cocaine addict probably isn't going to get a lot of help from another cocaine addict to overcome his addiction. Ideally I would like to find someone who went through this and overcame their demons and now lives a happy and fulfilled life away from the homosexual addiction.
It's tough to find, I admit, because ex-gays are forced back into a new closet not because of their shame or self hatred, but because gays are too intolerant to accept that sometimes people aren't happy being gay and they want to get away from a negative lifestyle. Gays often accuse me of playing the victim card (how I don't know, I don't want anyone's pity, this is just my way of venting and hopefully helping others going through the same issues), or they accuse me of being self-hating because I hate them and all they stand for. Like I told a gay acquaintance of mine, it's not the idea that I'm a homo that makes me uncomfortable, it's the idea that the rest of you are. If more gay guys were like me, I wouldn't care as much, but no, they are as I've described above in addition to their strong unnatural shame of their own gender through their actions and mannerisms. If guys want to portray themselves as women, more power to them, but don't expect a guy that is attracted to guys to find a guy who wants to be a woman attractive. I'm not sure why that concept is so hard for a vast majority of gay men to understand or accept. I realized that the reason why I couldn't find a positive gay influence is because such a thing doesn't exist. My ideal of a positive gay man doesn't exist because individuality, personal responsibility, ambition, and moral strength aren't ideals held very high by the gay community.
So with my realization that homosexuality is an addiction, I've decided to seek help along those lines. I'm going to start attending AA meetings with my trainer, granted not the same sort of addiction, but all addictions share a certain level of commonalities. I also bought the book Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality, and I'll start reading that and working through it when I get it. Hopefully in a few years I'll be over this addiction and I can live a happier more drama-free live away from people who look down on me for not living up to their standards, have way too many issues of their own, and being all around negative influences on my life to this point.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Another goal accomplished!
At this pace, I might be dating a girl in about a month!
So went back out to one of the mix bars here in Denver and saw the same group of girls my friends and I were talking to again. My goal for the night was to get a girl's number, and I did. This cute short little Hispanic girl, very friendly and funny, and I danced with her several times. Heh, funny thing is, my friend spilled the beans about me trying to go from guys to girls, but she's totally cool with it. Kinda a dick move on his part, but oh well, didn't hurt I guess.
It's cool to have another group at the club to hang out with. My two friends, despite being fairly attractive dudes and pretty successful careers, have zero game. It's kinda lame how they just stand around drinking beer, bullshitting about getting the courage to talk to some girl. I kept trying to psych up our one friend to talk to some girl he was interested in all night, and he finally did, even got her number (assuming it wasn't a fake number). I told him earlier in the night, "right now you're at 100% failure if you don't go and talk to her, if you go talk to her, you got a 50/50 shot of getting shot down. So the choice is yours"
He told me how he went to talk to her, poor guy, he says he basically grabbed her and say "Hey, I saw you earlier and I wanted to say I'm interested in you." And she ran off real quick and said "I'll be right back." He thought he blew it, was kicking himself for an hour, but then she snuck up behind him and slipped a napkin in his pocket with her name and number on it. So I guess it kind of worked in the end, funny though that little dance was.
My other friend (my roommate's cousin) was first interested in this other girl, then she saw him talking kinda close to the girl he was interested in last week, and she got pissed off because she thought he was kissing her. That all blew up, and our friend ended up talking to her at the end of the night, getting her number for him, and told him to call her later. He was kinda bummed the rest of the night because he hates being accused of something he didn't do.
Anyway, all in all a fun night (for me anyway), an interesting learning experience, and I was happy I accomplished another of my goals!
So went back out to one of the mix bars here in Denver and saw the same group of girls my friends and I were talking to again. My goal for the night was to get a girl's number, and I did. This cute short little Hispanic girl, very friendly and funny, and I danced with her several times. Heh, funny thing is, my friend spilled the beans about me trying to go from guys to girls, but she's totally cool with it. Kinda a dick move on his part, but oh well, didn't hurt I guess.
It's cool to have another group at the club to hang out with. My two friends, despite being fairly attractive dudes and pretty successful careers, have zero game. It's kinda lame how they just stand around drinking beer, bullshitting about getting the courage to talk to some girl. I kept trying to psych up our one friend to talk to some girl he was interested in all night, and he finally did, even got her number (assuming it wasn't a fake number). I told him earlier in the night, "right now you're at 100% failure if you don't go and talk to her, if you go talk to her, you got a 50/50 shot of getting shot down. So the choice is yours"
He told me how he went to talk to her, poor guy, he says he basically grabbed her and say "Hey, I saw you earlier and I wanted to say I'm interested in you." And she ran off real quick and said "I'll be right back." He thought he blew it, was kicking himself for an hour, but then she snuck up behind him and slipped a napkin in his pocket with her name and number on it. So I guess it kind of worked in the end, funny though that little dance was.
My other friend (my roommate's cousin) was first interested in this other girl, then she saw him talking kinda close to the girl he was interested in last week, and she got pissed off because she thought he was kissing her. That all blew up, and our friend ended up talking to her at the end of the night, getting her number for him, and told him to call her later. He was kinda bummed the rest of the night because he hates being accused of something he didn't do.
Anyway, all in all a fun night (for me anyway), an interesting learning experience, and I was happy I accomplished another of my goals!
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