When I was at the gym today, the song "Broken Bones" from Rev Theory came on my random player (lastfm, great app if you have a smart phone).
Anyway, the song hit me pretty hard and I'm not sure quite why. The lyrics talk about hiding a part of you, fighting against something you can't win, holding on too tight (maybe to the past) and running away from the world outside. It goes on to talk about needing someone else to help mend my broken bones. Anyway, it's a pretty depressing song, for sure, but again, the lyrics hit me pretty hard.
I'm still confused and I know it. I'm tired of being alone, but I don't know what direction to go. Is that someone I need another person (if so is it supposed to be a dude or a chick? Does it ultimately matter what their gender so long as they mean something to my life?), something inside of me, maybe something like God? The gay path made me feel so alone and alienated. I know plenty of people want me to blame myself for that alienation, and I'll admit in the last year, I've moved on from all of it. But before then, I went to the clubs, went to the events, was a part of a few organizations, I was on the gay websites trying to find people to connect with... And it never happened. I won't blame myself for other people's issues, insecurities, or superficiality any longer.
So after ten years of trying to fit into that mold, I don't think it's worth the effort any longer... And yet, part of me feels like that's all I've got, and that depresses me. My best hope in life is to be a part of a culture a community that doesn't want me, doesn't respect me, and oftentimes doesn't even respect itself? That's depressing to think about, it's like being locked away in a prison where all the other inmates hate you, attack you, and having no allies to back you up. That's how I felt for a decade. I know people think that's whining or complaining, but I'm sorry, I tried. I just wasn't "good enough" to be accepted no matter who I was or what I did. I can't change my appearance, I can't make myself taller, I can't go against my core values, I can't change my personality. I can't become whatever person the gay community wanted me to be to accept me as an equal. Lord knows I tried, but ultimately, I didn't fit in, and it's odd that the people who most hated me want me to be gay along with them, as though they feed on misery of others, are miserable themselves, and want everyone else to be miserable with them.
I lived that life for a decade, it didn't bring me happiness, didn't bring me fulfillment, and didn't bring me "love". I refuse to go back to it, to "give it another try" because I know I'll fall right back into the same patterns, devaluing myself, disrespecting myself, and trying to please people who are never satisfied and always looking for "something better".
I just want to be able to be myself, find out what I am, make my own path in life, and if people can't accept that or respect that, I don't need them in my life. It's true I hate being alone, my one fear in life is an uncertain future, but I have to believe that hopefully in the end it will turn out the way it's supposed to be and I'll either find that one person who "completes" me on a personal level, or else find a way to be satisfied being single, but trying to do my part to improve other people's lives as well as my own.
I read a book called "Zen and the Art of Happiness" a few years back, and I wrote down some good quotes out of it. It's tough to live by them and apply them, but I try to do the best I can:
- The Universe does not make mistakes
- A situation only becomes favorable when one adapts to it
- Everything that happens to me is the best possible thing that can happen to me
- The Universe always strikes at your weakest point because that's what most needs strengthening
It's tough to simply let go and let life happen, but that's what I need to learn to do. Again, I have to believe that whatever happens to me is all for the best. My life has been rough so far, but for some reason, I'm still here. I'll try to make the best of it... In the end, that's all I can do.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Finally Moved in to my New Pad & Origin of Love
Normally I would have posted something daily, but been pretty busy every day with the move. One thing I did want to bring up briefly was the the Symposium by Plato... Yeah, I know, sounds heavy, it's really not.
In the Symposium, Plato's friend, the poet/playwright Aristophanes, discusses a metaphor of the three sexes that were originally on Earth at the creation. There are the all male, all female, and the "androgynos" (half male & half female). This later group sought to climb Mt. Olympus (the home of the Gods), which angered Zeus, who instead of killing them outright decided to punish them for their hubris by cutting them in half and stitching them up as either male or female. Aristophanes further relates that since that time, these individuals have traveled through life looking for their other half.
This might sound familiar to those of you who have seen the movie "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" (a pretty good movie, I highly recommend). Here's the scene I'm talking about:
So what's the significance and why I've been thinking of this? Well, we constantly talk about soul mates and all that. I kind of wonder if love MUST be sexual to be real. I've had plenty of sexual experiences, but never love, at least not what could properly be defined as love. On the other hand, I have people important to me in my life that I love very much who I need no sexual connection with to know I love them or that they love me.
I'm not saying there is anything necessarily wrong with sex, especially if it's healthy, safe, committed, and done for the right reasons. I'm just thinking why should I get hung up on sex or the various labels that come with what makes me "aroused" if love can be something non-sexual. Or to put it another way, my life experience has taught me that who I had sex with weren't people I loved. I might have thought I did, but I was lying to myself and them. That's not to say I didn't care about them, but honestly looking back on all the people I've ever said "I love you" to in a sexual relationship, I don't think I ever really did love them, and I don't think they truly loved me. I'm not whining or complaining, just stating facts.
So our life goal, or at least one of them, is to find that person we can truly love, supposedly. Well, maybe I can't love just one person, and maybe my view of love won't have anything to do with a sexual connection. Again, if my sexual relationships didn't result in love, logically, then love and sex are not only two different things for me, but also that for me love must come without sex. I'm not sure if I'll always feel that way, or if I'll even feel that way in six months.
As my trainer suggests, just keep your heart and mind open to possibilities. Take it easy and let life do what it does, and be willing to accept what comes your way, sort of thing.
In the Symposium, Plato's friend, the poet/playwright Aristophanes, discusses a metaphor of the three sexes that were originally on Earth at the creation. There are the all male, all female, and the "androgynos" (half male & half female). This later group sought to climb Mt. Olympus (the home of the Gods), which angered Zeus, who instead of killing them outright decided to punish them for their hubris by cutting them in half and stitching them up as either male or female. Aristophanes further relates that since that time, these individuals have traveled through life looking for their other half.
This might sound familiar to those of you who have seen the movie "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" (a pretty good movie, I highly recommend). Here's the scene I'm talking about:
So what's the significance and why I've been thinking of this? Well, we constantly talk about soul mates and all that. I kind of wonder if love MUST be sexual to be real. I've had plenty of sexual experiences, but never love, at least not what could properly be defined as love. On the other hand, I have people important to me in my life that I love very much who I need no sexual connection with to know I love them or that they love me.
I'm not saying there is anything necessarily wrong with sex, especially if it's healthy, safe, committed, and done for the right reasons. I'm just thinking why should I get hung up on sex or the various labels that come with what makes me "aroused" if love can be something non-sexual. Or to put it another way, my life experience has taught me that who I had sex with weren't people I loved. I might have thought I did, but I was lying to myself and them. That's not to say I didn't care about them, but honestly looking back on all the people I've ever said "I love you" to in a sexual relationship, I don't think I ever really did love them, and I don't think they truly loved me. I'm not whining or complaining, just stating facts.
So our life goal, or at least one of them, is to find that person we can truly love, supposedly. Well, maybe I can't love just one person, and maybe my view of love won't have anything to do with a sexual connection. Again, if my sexual relationships didn't result in love, logically, then love and sex are not only two different things for me, but also that for me love must come without sex. I'm not sure if I'll always feel that way, or if I'll even feel that way in six months.
As my trainer suggests, just keep your heart and mind open to possibilities. Take it easy and let life do what it does, and be willing to accept what comes your way, sort of thing.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Church and Talking with my Trainer Afterward
So my opinion of the church service I went to is more or less ambivalent. The main highlights that I got from the church are that sex is good, you should have boundaries, and that it's ideal to have sex within a marriage. I agree for the most part with the premise, after all, no matter one's sexuality, without boundaries, sex becomes something self-destructive, as I've experienced in my life, and as many folks I've known, gay, straight or otherwise, have experienced.
It comes back to the "everything in moderation" concept, and as soon as one realizes that their sexual experiences are not healthy for them physically, mentally, or even spiritually, the sooner they can work to change their root problems and become a better person. This doesn't mean that the gay dude who's been sleeping around a lot has to become straight anymore than the straight "player" has to become gay. Everyone has different reasons for why they are hurting inside, in the end we're all seeking to fill some void in our hearts that was made empty by some traumatic event or series of events in our pasts. When we address that pain and anger from the past, we can become whole people and no longer have to rely on self destructive behavior to fill that void. For myself it was the lack of self confidence and comparing myself to others, for someone else, it could be entirely different.
Talking to my trainer afterward, I told him how I want to keep this blog accessible to everyone, no matter their views on faith. I don't want to make folks who are largely opposed to religion (especially Christianity) to feel like I'm somehow urging them to go that route to overcome their pain. He understands my concerns and where I'm coming from. His view on filling that void/becoming a whole person is that without God in your life, you are never truly whole, and that you can't overcome the pain in your past without God's help. Personally, I'm still iffy on that only because I want this to be something I accomplish intrinsically/internally, as I feel to do otherwise wouldn't make the change permanent. That's not to say I can do it all on my own, I know I can't, that's why I rely on my trainer, my close friends, and my family for support as well. I just don't know that I'm ready to go that "God" step yet, though I may be more open to it down the road.
In the end, my trainer said that right now I'm on the right path, my mind and my heart are open to possibilities and experiences. He said that he didn't find his wife until he decided to just relax and let life come to him and to stop trying to find someone. So he says it's just a matter or patience and openness that will lead me where I need to go in life. So I'm going to try to just relax, let life happen a little more, and see what comes of it.
It comes back to the "everything in moderation" concept, and as soon as one realizes that their sexual experiences are not healthy for them physically, mentally, or even spiritually, the sooner they can work to change their root problems and become a better person. This doesn't mean that the gay dude who's been sleeping around a lot has to become straight anymore than the straight "player" has to become gay. Everyone has different reasons for why they are hurting inside, in the end we're all seeking to fill some void in our hearts that was made empty by some traumatic event or series of events in our pasts. When we address that pain and anger from the past, we can become whole people and no longer have to rely on self destructive behavior to fill that void. For myself it was the lack of self confidence and comparing myself to others, for someone else, it could be entirely different.
Talking to my trainer afterward, I told him how I want to keep this blog accessible to everyone, no matter their views on faith. I don't want to make folks who are largely opposed to religion (especially Christianity) to feel like I'm somehow urging them to go that route to overcome their pain. He understands my concerns and where I'm coming from. His view on filling that void/becoming a whole person is that without God in your life, you are never truly whole, and that you can't overcome the pain in your past without God's help. Personally, I'm still iffy on that only because I want this to be something I accomplish intrinsically/internally, as I feel to do otherwise wouldn't make the change permanent. That's not to say I can do it all on my own, I know I can't, that's why I rely on my trainer, my close friends, and my family for support as well. I just don't know that I'm ready to go that "God" step yet, though I may be more open to it down the road.
In the end, my trainer said that right now I'm on the right path, my mind and my heart are open to possibilities and experiences. He said that he didn't find his wife until he decided to just relax and let life come to him and to stop trying to find someone. So he says it's just a matter or patience and openness that will lead me where I need to go in life. So I'm going to try to just relax, let life happen a little more, and see what comes of it.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Why I call my blog "Not Afraid"
I thought it might be good to re-assert why I changed the name of my blog to Not Afraid. It's a reference to the Eminem song by the same name
A couple of the lyrics that stood out to me the most are these:
Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there
Life is a journey, there's a reason we experience what we do and each new experience brings us to where we should be. I'm a strong believer in fate, I believe that we have the ability to change our paths, but I also believe that everything happens for a reason too. Some people feel they're in the same boat, and while I don't condone forcing anyone to change who they are if they are happy, for those that aren't happy, I want to show them a different path.
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
To everyone who says I can't do something, I'm going to prove them wrong, and all those who have looked down on me for years, I'm going to show them just how wrong they were about me all those years. I don't care what opinions people have of me or my goals, I'm doing this for me and me alone - to be a better person and move forward, leaving my pain and anger behind.
I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
I'm here for anyone who needs support. Whether you're straight with a gay friend or family member they are trying to understand, a gay dude that firmly believes he's gay but feel you don't fit in, or someone who feels like being gay hasn't been in their personal best interests and they are looking for a new path. I'm here for everyone and anyone, no restrictions, no judgments, no requirements. Come as you are, even those who oppose my views and believe I'm completely wrong, I'm still here for them if they need it too.
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
To the "gay scions" who feel that they have the right to dictate other people's lives, viewing themselves as kings among the gay community, they are a small, insignificant, and largely petty group of negative individuals who's only pleasure in life is destroying the happiness of others. I have no sympathy any longer for those who have no sympathy for others. Despite that, if they were to come to me asking for a compassionate ear, I would be there for them. But until they see that their anger and negativity is destructive, I can do nothing for them, and any feelings I would have for them are irrelevant as they are unwilling to see someone like me as anything but a threat to their narrow world view and sexuality.
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!
I'm still working through my past, coming to terms with who I am and who I want to be. No one can dictate who I should be but me. I thought the path I was on was the only possible path I could take, and I'm finding now that I have alternatives. I'm still haunted by my past homophobia, the hatred and anger I felt unfairly towards an entire community for refusing to accept me as I was (when it was only a small segment that made me feel unwelcome). But I'm coming to terms with all the negativity from my past, trying to be a stronger person mentally, physically, and spiritually. I can sit and complain about being a single gay man, not finding someone I connect with, feeling like I'll be 50 and single because of the same patterns repeating again and again - OR - I can find the root cause of that cycle, address it, overcome it, and work towards a more positive future.
For some, homosexuality can be a positive experience. As I've said before, I'm not telling every gay person that they HAVE to change, that would be wrong and presumptuous of me to think I can dictate their lives. BUT, for those that feel they're in the same boat, questioning if they are on the right path, seeking some sort of happiness and getting caught in the same cycle again and again, those are the people I'm here for the most.
A couple of the lyrics that stood out to me the most are these:
Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there
Life is a journey, there's a reason we experience what we do and each new experience brings us to where we should be. I'm a strong believer in fate, I believe that we have the ability to change our paths, but I also believe that everything happens for a reason too. Some people feel they're in the same boat, and while I don't condone forcing anyone to change who they are if they are happy, for those that aren't happy, I want to show them a different path.
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
To everyone who says I can't do something, I'm going to prove them wrong, and all those who have looked down on me for years, I'm going to show them just how wrong they were about me all those years. I don't care what opinions people have of me or my goals, I'm doing this for me and me alone - to be a better person and move forward, leaving my pain and anger behind.
I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
I'm here for anyone who needs support. Whether you're straight with a gay friend or family member they are trying to understand, a gay dude that firmly believes he's gay but feel you don't fit in, or someone who feels like being gay hasn't been in their personal best interests and they are looking for a new path. I'm here for everyone and anyone, no restrictions, no judgments, no requirements. Come as you are, even those who oppose my views and believe I'm completely wrong, I'm still here for them if they need it too.
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
To the "gay scions" who feel that they have the right to dictate other people's lives, viewing themselves as kings among the gay community, they are a small, insignificant, and largely petty group of negative individuals who's only pleasure in life is destroying the happiness of others. I have no sympathy any longer for those who have no sympathy for others. Despite that, if they were to come to me asking for a compassionate ear, I would be there for them. But until they see that their anger and negativity is destructive, I can do nothing for them, and any feelings I would have for them are irrelevant as they are unwilling to see someone like me as anything but a threat to their narrow world view and sexuality.
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!
I'm still working through my past, coming to terms with who I am and who I want to be. No one can dictate who I should be but me. I thought the path I was on was the only possible path I could take, and I'm finding now that I have alternatives. I'm still haunted by my past homophobia, the hatred and anger I felt unfairly towards an entire community for refusing to accept me as I was (when it was only a small segment that made me feel unwelcome). But I'm coming to terms with all the negativity from my past, trying to be a stronger person mentally, physically, and spiritually. I can sit and complain about being a single gay man, not finding someone I connect with, feeling like I'll be 50 and single because of the same patterns repeating again and again - OR - I can find the root cause of that cycle, address it, overcome it, and work towards a more positive future.
For some, homosexuality can be a positive experience. As I've said before, I'm not telling every gay person that they HAVE to change, that would be wrong and presumptuous of me to think I can dictate their lives. BUT, for those that feel they're in the same boat, questioning if they are on the right path, seeking some sort of happiness and getting caught in the same cycle again and again, those are the people I'm here for the most.
Gay =/= Happy (For Some)
So I decided to post this real quick after I got more "supportive" comments from the "Out and Proud" gay man who loves to harass anyone he feels is somehow undermining what he thinks gay men should be. While I HAVE been homophobic in the past and have attacked gay men for what I perceive as shortcomings and stereotypical behavior (I now accept it as just being gay), and I've come a long way dealing with those feelings of hate and anger for what I thought I was.
He, despite his cries to the contrary, is not a happy man. He's not happy because if he were, he would have no need to attack others, to use their past against them when they've made strides, and he would accept the progress that someone has made to the positive. A happily secure gay man (or any man) wouldn't have the need to lash out at those who are doing him no harm, hating others what he hates in himself, being petty by using the past against them without presenting his present frame of mind, being so obsessed with someone as to post a blog entry (I'll link to his blog, since he was too insecure to link to mine since he knows it would prove his position incorrect), calling them out by name, and saying such things in his comments to me as:
2. the reality is that you have spent years being intolerant to "effeminate" gay men, stereotypical gay men, and flamboyant guys.
why? because you're a wimp who hates yourself.
you complain and bitch because you're a fucking wimp and the only people who support you are guys just like you who also hate themselves.
you're going to be a victim all your life.
(Little Kiwi) 1:53 PM
3. BWAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
(Little Kiwi) 1:51 PM
4. you're a complete fucking coward.
(Little Kiwi) 1:43 PM
5. you're a hypocrite. you complain that "gay scions" dictated your life. you're a liar.
you spread anti-gay bigotry. you spread hatred toward effeminate guys, flamboyant guys, stereotypical guys. you still do.
we simply called you out on the harm YOU are inflicting.
you're a coward. you'll live as a coward, you'll die as a coward.
buh bye , wimp :D
(Little Kiwi) 1:41 PM
6. great to finally be rid of you!
by the way, there's this video on youtube with all sorts of pictures of YOU talking in voiceover about how much you love sucking black cock, and you tooootally have a lisp in it, and sound like a little girl
. have you seen it?
it's pretty funny.
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10
7. you're a bigot with no balls! wassup girly-girl!?
how's the pussy tasting these days?
:D
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10
Truly happy people have no need to be so vindictive, hateful, and angry at someone trying to improve their life. I'm sorry that he's so insecure with his own sexuality that he can't overcome his hostility to the world that won't conform to his demands. I'm sorry that he's so insecure about his own sexuality that he views someone like me as a threat (and he does, otherwise, he wouldn't care so much about what I choose to do with my own life, obviously I am undermining his world view by my choices and mere existence). It can be frustrating, I imagine, to believe you control the world and believe the world to conform to your single narrow viewpoint and find out that you in fact have no control even over yourself and that perhaps what you thought was true is in fact not the case.
So if I were a religious dude, I'd pray for this guy. Since I'm not, I just hope that he can one day overcome whatever hatred and anger he has inside and let it go, move on, and become a better person. Despite his years of personal attacks, and what will probably be years more of personal attacks when I prove him wrong again and again, I still love him and hope for the best for him in his life. He deserves the same happiness in life that I've found. He may find it in a different way on a different path, but so long as in the end he's happy, that's the most important thing.
Those statements above that he sent me are not from a happy person, and that's unfortunate, because he claims to be a gay activist fighting for equality - and he does have passion for his cause - but with this sort of attitude, he will turn away more people and piss off more potential allies only making things worse for his cause. It goes back to the "you can get more flies with honey" idea. The greater society would more readily accept a gay man who presents himself in a moderate way, saying "Hey, I'm just like you, work 9-5, have the same problems with bills, etc. So I should have equal rights" versus "I'm gay dammit! GAAAAAAYYYY!!! Listen to me and do EXACTLY as I demand! And if you don't give me equality now, I'm going to attack you over and over again everywhere you go!!!"
Unfortunately, this gay man who sent me the comments presents himself in the latter way, which of course, creates a vicious cycle leading him further into hatred and anger as he faces strong opposition in return. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Perhaps gay activists, such as himself, should re-evaluate their approach and say "Hmm, being in your face and militant doesn't seem to have worked... Maybe we should try a different approach?" However, I know my history, and I know they won't change. The moderates will win incremental victories, and the radicals will claim those victories as their own. This is how it's always been throughout history with any sort of civil rights movement.
I'll give a brief example from my own life back when I was an "Out and Proud" gay man. After speaking with a Republican presidential candidate one on one about what it was like to be a gay man in the U.S. Military, I was able to successfully change his views on gays in the military. While he is not a major influence in his party, this was a small incremental step in the right direction, and probably one that will be unappreciated by the most radical gay activists. I have also met with students from Liberty University, interns of major right leaning think tanks (Heritage Foundation and AEI to name a few), and others traditionally thought to oppose homosexuality and found them remarkably open-minded and accepting when you approach them as equals in a moderate way.
In any event, I'm not going to waste any more time on this matter or his issues. He's not happy and he's not secure in his sexuality, or else he would have no need to attack me or view me as a threat. I can't help him since he doesn't want to help himself. He has to be the catalyst for his own change. I'm not saying he has to follow my path (everyone should choose their own path) but that he should work through his anger and negativity and work to be a more positive person, leaving his past behind and working towards his future. That's all I hope for for everyone I come in contact with. That's really all I can do for those who are resistant to changing their negativity.
He, despite his cries to the contrary, is not a happy man. He's not happy because if he were, he would have no need to attack others, to use their past against them when they've made strides, and he would accept the progress that someone has made to the positive. A happily secure gay man (or any man) wouldn't have the need to lash out at those who are doing him no harm, hating others what he hates in himself, being petty by using the past against them without presenting his present frame of mind, being so obsessed with someone as to post a blog entry (I'll link to his blog, since he was too insecure to link to mine since he knows it would prove his position incorrect), calling them out by name, and saying such things in his comments to me as:
2. the reality is that you have spent years being intolerant to "effeminate" gay men, stereotypical gay men, and flamboyant guys.
why? because you're a wimp who hates yourself.
you complain and bitch because you're a fucking wimp and the only people who support you are guys just like you who also hate themselves.
you're going to be a victim all your life.
(Little Kiwi) 1:53 PM
3. BWAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
(Little Kiwi) 1:51 PM
4. you're a complete fucking coward.
(Little Kiwi) 1:43 PM
5. you're a hypocrite. you complain that "gay scions" dictated your life. you're a liar.
you spread anti-gay bigotry. you spread hatred toward effeminate guys, flamboyant guys, stereotypical guys. you still do.
we simply called you out on the harm YOU are inflicting.
you're a coward. you'll live as a coward, you'll die as a coward.
buh bye , wimp :D
(Little Kiwi) 1:41 PM
6. great to finally be rid of you!
by the way, there's this video on youtube with all sorts of pictures of YOU talking in voiceover about how much you love sucking black cock, and you tooootally have a lisp in it, and sound like a little girl
. have you seen it?
it's pretty funny.
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10
7. you're a bigot with no balls! wassup girly-girl!?
how's the pussy tasting these days?
:D
(Little Kiwi) 7/24/10
Truly happy people have no need to be so vindictive, hateful, and angry at someone trying to improve their life. I'm sorry that he's so insecure with his own sexuality that he can't overcome his hostility to the world that won't conform to his demands. I'm sorry that he's so insecure about his own sexuality that he views someone like me as a threat (and he does, otherwise, he wouldn't care so much about what I choose to do with my own life, obviously I am undermining his world view by my choices and mere existence). It can be frustrating, I imagine, to believe you control the world and believe the world to conform to your single narrow viewpoint and find out that you in fact have no control even over yourself and that perhaps what you thought was true is in fact not the case.
So if I were a religious dude, I'd pray for this guy. Since I'm not, I just hope that he can one day overcome whatever hatred and anger he has inside and let it go, move on, and become a better person. Despite his years of personal attacks, and what will probably be years more of personal attacks when I prove him wrong again and again, I still love him and hope for the best for him in his life. He deserves the same happiness in life that I've found. He may find it in a different way on a different path, but so long as in the end he's happy, that's the most important thing.
Those statements above that he sent me are not from a happy person, and that's unfortunate, because he claims to be a gay activist fighting for equality - and he does have passion for his cause - but with this sort of attitude, he will turn away more people and piss off more potential allies only making things worse for his cause. It goes back to the "you can get more flies with honey" idea. The greater society would more readily accept a gay man who presents himself in a moderate way, saying "Hey, I'm just like you, work 9-5, have the same problems with bills, etc. So I should have equal rights" versus "I'm gay dammit! GAAAAAAYYYY!!! Listen to me and do EXACTLY as I demand! And if you don't give me equality now, I'm going to attack you over and over again everywhere you go!!!"
Unfortunately, this gay man who sent me the comments presents himself in the latter way, which of course, creates a vicious cycle leading him further into hatred and anger as he faces strong opposition in return. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Perhaps gay activists, such as himself, should re-evaluate their approach and say "Hmm, being in your face and militant doesn't seem to have worked... Maybe we should try a different approach?" However, I know my history, and I know they won't change. The moderates will win incremental victories, and the radicals will claim those victories as their own. This is how it's always been throughout history with any sort of civil rights movement.
I'll give a brief example from my own life back when I was an "Out and Proud" gay man. After speaking with a Republican presidential candidate one on one about what it was like to be a gay man in the U.S. Military, I was able to successfully change his views on gays in the military. While he is not a major influence in his party, this was a small incremental step in the right direction, and probably one that will be unappreciated by the most radical gay activists. I have also met with students from Liberty University, interns of major right leaning think tanks (Heritage Foundation and AEI to name a few), and others traditionally thought to oppose homosexuality and found them remarkably open-minded and accepting when you approach them as equals in a moderate way.
In any event, I'm not going to waste any more time on this matter or his issues. He's not happy and he's not secure in his sexuality, or else he would have no need to attack me or view me as a threat. I can't help him since he doesn't want to help himself. He has to be the catalyst for his own change. I'm not saying he has to follow my path (everyone should choose their own path) but that he should work through his anger and negativity and work to be a more positive person, leaving his past behind and working towards his future. That's all I hope for for everyone I come in contact with. That's really all I can do for those who are resistant to changing their negativity.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Dad's Birthday Dinner and Figuring out Where I'm Going to Meet Women
So I "came out" to my dad and step-mom again, they took it as well as they did last time I did, so no worries there. They seem more the type to accept whatever choices I make in my life, because at this point in my life, they know I'm smart enough and self-reliant enough to make the right choices in a given situation. I didn't expect them to make a big deal out of it, and I also explained to them that I want to carry on the family name since my brother only makes girls, my uncle is gay, and then there was me.
Outside of that, on the drive home I was thinking, where should I go to meet women? I'm debating if I want to try posting some kind of online ad. Maybe even one of those sites like eHarmony. I tried Match.com before, but for dudes, and that was about worthless, I don't expect it to be much better for women. I want it to be something free or cheap just to get the experience, so I'm thinking I might try plentyoffish.com or something like that. I'm DEFINITELY not going to try Craigslist, I can't say I've ever had a positive experience off of there whatsoever, so I doubt the situation would be any better with women.
I've debated maybe starting up a facebook profile again, but I remember how pointless that was last time, might be about the same this time, plus I'd have to make two, one in my real name (my "public" profile) and one in a pseudonym for my close friends and family (just so potential future employers don't find pics of me drunk or questionable groups I belong to, etc.) So all in all, seems too much of a hassle, because people would probably find me by my real name, then depending on who they are, I'd have to tell them the fake name to add me as a friend, blah blah. Sucks you have to do that nowadays, but thems the breaks.
On a positive note, I'm really looking forward to hitting my trainer's church tomorrow with his wife and one of the dudes I lift with at the gym. The dude from the gym doesn't know about me, I'm debating if I want to tell him about what I'm going through, if that would make the situation easier, if he'd accept it, etc. I want to be his friend, seems like a good guy with a good head on his shoulders, but not sure how he'd take a bombshell like that. If we do become friends, I will tell him then for sure, because I don't like hiding stuff like this from people for very long.
Anyway, the topic of tomorrow's service, ironically enough, is human sexuality. I'm going to go in open-minded, I'm certain there'll be parts I agree with and parts I oppose, but all in all I hope it's a positive learning experience and I'm hoping for the best. I know my trainer is supportive, so I know he won't steer me wrong, so I trust him a lot on this stuff. I'll write my reflections afterward either tomorrow night or Monday morning.
Outside of that, on the drive home I was thinking, where should I go to meet women? I'm debating if I want to try posting some kind of online ad. Maybe even one of those sites like eHarmony. I tried Match.com before, but for dudes, and that was about worthless, I don't expect it to be much better for women. I want it to be something free or cheap just to get the experience, so I'm thinking I might try plentyoffish.com or something like that. I'm DEFINITELY not going to try Craigslist, I can't say I've ever had a positive experience off of there whatsoever, so I doubt the situation would be any better with women.
I've debated maybe starting up a facebook profile again, but I remember how pointless that was last time, might be about the same this time, plus I'd have to make two, one in my real name (my "public" profile) and one in a pseudonym for my close friends and family (just so potential future employers don't find pics of me drunk or questionable groups I belong to, etc.) So all in all, seems too much of a hassle, because people would probably find me by my real name, then depending on who they are, I'd have to tell them the fake name to add me as a friend, blah blah. Sucks you have to do that nowadays, but thems the breaks.
On a positive note, I'm really looking forward to hitting my trainer's church tomorrow with his wife and one of the dudes I lift with at the gym. The dude from the gym doesn't know about me, I'm debating if I want to tell him about what I'm going through, if that would make the situation easier, if he'd accept it, etc. I want to be his friend, seems like a good guy with a good head on his shoulders, but not sure how he'd take a bombshell like that. If we do become friends, I will tell him then for sure, because I don't like hiding stuff like this from people for very long.
Anyway, the topic of tomorrow's service, ironically enough, is human sexuality. I'm going to go in open-minded, I'm certain there'll be parts I agree with and parts I oppose, but all in all I hope it's a positive learning experience and I'm hoping for the best. I know my trainer is supportive, so I know he won't steer me wrong, so I trust him a lot on this stuff. I'll write my reflections afterward either tomorrow night or Monday morning.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Defining Myself - Establishing a Foundation
So I figure more importantly than figuring out what I want out of life is to figure out who I am now and where I want to be. Once I've established that foundation, I can move on to building on that and moving forward in my life.
So here's what I am NOT:
I am not some sort of ultra-Christian, I did not grow up in a conservative/religious family, my father is a very strong and positive figure in my life, and in fact, my family has many openly gay members in it and is supportive to those folks. Despite that sort of background, I ultimately feel that homosexuality is not the right choice for me. That said, I am not the sort to say that being gay is wrong, immoral, unnatural, etc. etc. I know it's wrong for me, but other people can be totally happy being homosexual, and hey, more power to them! If they have found happiness with that path of life, I applaud them. For me, I know it was a lie, not only to myself, but to those I was involved with and those I associated with.
Here's what I am:
I am human, I am imperfect, I have made lots of mistakes in my life, and hurt many people both through my words and actions, on purpose and inadvertently. I have held a lot of hate in my heart for myself and what I thought I was and others around me, most of whom didn't deserve it (and a few who in fact did). But even if they deserved it, it's better to just ignore them, hold my head high, and realize that those who attack others (including myself) are just hurting inside themselves and haven't come to terms with their personal issues. I'm working through that hate and anger now, I've addressed a lot of it directed toward myself and I am more comfortable with who I am now, and slowly I'm coming to accept others as well whom I previously avoided.
What I want to be:
I want to be a complete person, on my own, without the need of others to complete me. I'm almost there now, it will only take a little more work to accomplish this goal mentally, and then I'll work on it socially too. I want to be a positive example to others, no matter their orientation. I want to be someone others can look up to, come to for help, and who people rely on when they feel they have no where else to turn. I want to be that refuge in a storm for those who feel like they are tossed about by the currents of life. I see my trainer as a positive example in his way. He's open minded, supportive, encouraging, and overall a good guy. I see my buddy Garret as a role model, he's friendly to everyone, non-judgmental, funny, and laid back, letting life happen and taking it as it comes. I want to be more like these guys, and I feel like I'm getting there little by little. There's just a little more darkness in my heart to get rid of, but not too much more really.
Confidence, positivity, openness, friendly, laid back... These are my goals for self-development.
So here's what I am NOT:
I am not some sort of ultra-Christian, I did not grow up in a conservative/religious family, my father is a very strong and positive figure in my life, and in fact, my family has many openly gay members in it and is supportive to those folks. Despite that sort of background, I ultimately feel that homosexuality is not the right choice for me. That said, I am not the sort to say that being gay is wrong, immoral, unnatural, etc. etc. I know it's wrong for me, but other people can be totally happy being homosexual, and hey, more power to them! If they have found happiness with that path of life, I applaud them. For me, I know it was a lie, not only to myself, but to those I was involved with and those I associated with.
Here's what I am:
I am human, I am imperfect, I have made lots of mistakes in my life, and hurt many people both through my words and actions, on purpose and inadvertently. I have held a lot of hate in my heart for myself and what I thought I was and others around me, most of whom didn't deserve it (and a few who in fact did). But even if they deserved it, it's better to just ignore them, hold my head high, and realize that those who attack others (including myself) are just hurting inside themselves and haven't come to terms with their personal issues. I'm working through that hate and anger now, I've addressed a lot of it directed toward myself and I am more comfortable with who I am now, and slowly I'm coming to accept others as well whom I previously avoided.
What I want to be:
I want to be a complete person, on my own, without the need of others to complete me. I'm almost there now, it will only take a little more work to accomplish this goal mentally, and then I'll work on it socially too. I want to be a positive example to others, no matter their orientation. I want to be someone others can look up to, come to for help, and who people rely on when they feel they have no where else to turn. I want to be that refuge in a storm for those who feel like they are tossed about by the currents of life. I see my trainer as a positive example in his way. He's open minded, supportive, encouraging, and overall a good guy. I see my buddy Garret as a role model, he's friendly to everyone, non-judgmental, funny, and laid back, letting life happen and taking it as it comes. I want to be more like these guys, and I feel like I'm getting there little by little. There's just a little more darkness in my heart to get rid of, but not too much more really.
Confidence, positivity, openness, friendly, laid back... These are my goals for self-development.
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