Plan of Attack - Squaring a few things away

So met with my personal trainer this afternoon, I've been talking to him about this stuff for the last few weeks. He's a real understanding guy, so I respect his advice and his perspective. He's got a twin that's gay, or at least is going through that phase, but beyond that he doesn't know the first thing about that aspect of what I've gone through. Despite that, he's an open-minded guy who's given me a lot of good advice over the last few months and someone I really look up to like my best friend Garret.

Anyway, so I've been thinking about what I'm going to do now to meet women, get interested in them, develop a relationship, and of course, get to the point I can get sexual with them. That's the main things I have to figure out over the next few months of trial and error.

Something I haven't revealed to many people or on this blog yet is this. Growing up my first two decades, I was constantly failed by the women in my life I was supposed to be able to trust. So my mother abandoned me with my father when I was 13 (her boyfriends were more important to her than I was), my step mother was pretty abusive verbally and mentally (we've since come to terms with our pasts and we get along now), my sister in law (my brother's first wife) was a total b**** to me growing up, and my "sister" (technical half sister, which she constantly reminded people when I was introduced) never accepted this "white boy" (chihonkey she called me) as her brother. So these women who were supposed to be somewhat important in my life, that I was supposed to feel secure and safe with, at every turn they ended up hurting me when I was too young to defend myself. That led to a lot of fears and resentment of women, which combined with all the other issues I dealt with growing up, sort of made the perfect storm of low self esteem and self doubt that led me down a path of lying to myself and others when it came to my sexuality.

Over the last few months, I've sort of defrosted my heart to women. I'm beginning to trust a few close ones in my life: my friend Garret's girlfriend, my boss, my step mother. I don't know how close I am to the point that I could trust women enough to be intimate with women in general, but that's something that will come in time I'm sure.

So outside of that, I've been re-reading a book called "How to Be An Alpha Male" by a guy named John Alexander. I first bought it when I lived in DC because it seemed that you needed a lot of confidence to get anywhere, and the general confidence advice in the book would pretty much apply to any man of any sexuality. But I'm re-reading it now to try to get prepped for how I need to handle the "fairer sex" because let's face it, technically I'm a 28 year old (almost 29) virgin.

Anyway, I feel more self confident now, like how I look (but can always improve), like my career, I am confident in who I am and my knowledge and skills. I know that rejection will happen with women all the same as it has with dudes, but I'm kinda to the point where I can just shrug it off. Besides, like the Alpha Male book says, you can't take rejection personally, if they don't want to spend time with you and get to know you, then that's their loss, not yours.

Beyond that, I'm trying to decide what I'm going to do in regards to meeting women. My personal trainer suggested going for cougars. They are generally not looking for a commitment, have a lot of experience, and would be a good way of getting my feet wet, so to speak. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be interested in dating a cougar long term, but his advice makes sense since experience is what I need, and a lot of it as quickly as possible. It's just a matter of re-wiring my thought patterns to get "in the mood" with women, since I've got years of the psychological block due to trust issues. I don't think it would be healthy to go jumping into sexual relationships though, right off the bat, until I do get more comfortable trusting women in general.

So before I try for cougars, I think I should focus my efforts on developing maybe even just platonic relationships with women, moving on from there to more intimate relationships. The one thing I do have to be careful of is not getting pegged as the "friend", since that won't allow me to grow beyond that level in most cases. Chances are I will take things very slowly with any women I date, and as my PT suggests, I should date a handful of women at the same time. I agree, since that will give me a wide range of interactions and experiences and let me learn faster what it is I like and don't like when it comes to relationships with women.

I have considered possibly posting back online looking for women, but something about that just doesn't sit well with me considering my experience with guys online and various dating sites. I'd much rather meet them through my friends or I might consider getting involved with some organizations again that mesh with my interests and allow me to show off my confidence. The book also suggests yoga classes since that is mostly women too, with the added health benefits that come with it. I used to do some yoga classes and I've been thinking of getting back into it, so I might start that up too.

In the end there are a wide variety of options available to me, far more than were available as a "gay man". Hell, just consider the math, if women make up half the population, and gay/bi men only 5-10%, that gives me only one tenth of half the population to choose from, then you have to consider the factors of age, interests, chemistry, and by the time that's said and done, I have less than one one hundreth of a percent of the population to choose from as a "gay man". Whereas as a straight man, I have half the population, and then when you factor in demographics, interest, and chemistry, I probably still have at least 10% of the population to choose from.

Anyway, I'm rambling, I need to get some stuff packed for my move, just wanted to get my thoughts down while they were still fresh in my mind.

Peace, love, and Japanese beer!

-- Jay

An Apology, and looking forward!

So this is my private blog, basically my diary chronicling everything I've been through in the last few years and my path going forward. There was a lot of anger and hate at the start because, well, I'm human and I'm not perfect. I had to work through those issues and become a better person. I realized that I harbored a lot of anger and hate towards people I felt had dictated who I should be and how I should live my life. I know I hate when people do this to me, and I imagine in some way by lashing out at those same people, I was dictating how I thought they should act and how they should live their lives.

So going forward, I promise I will not dictate anyone's life for them. I'm not God, I don't have that right, and besides, I can't honestly say I know what's best for everyone in their own situations.

So if anyone feels offended by anything I have said on here or anything I've said in the past, I sincerely apologize, especially if it came off as though I was telling you some type of standard you should live up to. I have no standards for others anymore, just come as you are. I can only accept you as you are, or I'm no better than those who reject those who are different and demand conformity.

So again, I sincerely apologize to any I have offended with my anger and hate. I have worked through those issues, improved as a person, and I am ready to leave my past behind, as indeed I hope everyone does at some point. Holding on to the past, living in the past, these are not positive places to be. It is far better to live in the present, do the best you can for one another, and have high hopes for the future.

Treat each other with as much kindness as you can, because life is too short for hate. I wrote this as a way of trying to do my part to promote a little good karma in the world for all the bad I might have created over the years.

I wish everyone only the best, even those who hate me for reasons I can't change. I love my enemies because to do any less would make me no better than they are. I only hope that they one day leave their own hate and anger behind and join me on being a better person and looking forward to a better future.

Peace, love, and applesause!

Should I just ignore gay people, friends, and not stand up for them?

So yesterday I had two particularly negative people tell me I shouldn't be on gay sites if I'm straight. I respond I'm on there to give people someone to talk to when they feel they have no one to talk to and to stand up for those who get attacked by the more negative gay folks.

So if they're right, if I were to see a gay dude struggling in life our getting attacked, I should just ignore it and go on with my life. In other words if a gay teen were suicidal and depressed, I should just say, sorry kid, can't help you, leave me alone. Or maybe if I see someone getting attacked for being different I'm just supposed to ignore it and let them get attacked... And yet these are the same folks crying about generalized homophobia because people don't stand up for gays in general society.

So, should I do the right thing and stick to my principles or let the more negative and hateful gays win over those they attack because it's not approved of to stand up for those they attack?

Of course that's a rhetorical question, how am I going to let a couple of negative assholes dictate to me who I should or should not associate with or stand up for? If they don't see their own hypocrisy and hateful negativity, that's not my issue. I can only offer support to those who seek it.

When people get that negative, they are a lost cause unless they seek to change themselves. I know this from personal experience.

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Why would a straight guy even try to be gay?

Let's go back to my high school years. I was completely asexual then, I had no sexual interest in men or women. As I said in my other post, I was attracted to guys not because I found them sexually attractive... For the last decade I lied to myself about that. But rather because I saw in them something I missed in myself. So I fantasized about BEING the jock guy, the popular guy, the muscular guy, the "hot dude" that worked at the mall, etc. I didn't think about getting it on with them, I just wanted to one day wake up and be them and leave my crappy life behind.

I wasn't accepted by most of my peers for being kinda a scrawny nerd in school. So being that I had no attraction to either sex, most of the straight guys assumed I was gay because I never had a girlfriend. That label kind of ended up sticking through my Air Force years, and I kind of started to wonder if maybe I was gay, especially after my first disastrous sexual experience. So because I didn't fit in with the straight dudes, I thought the gay community might be more accepting, and I thought that I would find someone easier to fill what I felt I was missing in myself.

So my last decade I've been lying to myself and all the guys I've been involved with. I was just using them because I felt like they were easy prey to get my psychological fix, in the end just hurting myself more by making me feel even worse about myself when I didn't somehow magically gain those qualities they had that attracted me to them, and then thinking that I could somehow be in a romantic relationship with a dude.

So I came out four times in my life, and each time I've had to deal with friction. I first came out as gay around 20 or 21, going to the clubs, joining the organizations, doing everything that was expected of me to do to "fit in".

For a time I was generally accepted (except those that didn't like people in the military), until I came out again, this time as a conservative/Republican (Full disclosure, I've never voted Republican for anything higher than state rep in the last decade other than participating in the primaries to hopefully get more socially moderate Republicans on the ballot). When I came out as a conservative, I got my fair share of sneers and attacks, people assuming automatically that I supported Bush (I did not), or that I wanted gays to stay second class citizens (I do not), or that I want people to just starve on the streets (I do not).

The third time I came out was as a g0y, which was short lived as I found them to be just as over the top as many of the gay men I despised for telling others who they should be and how they should live their lives. For those that don't know, g0ys are pretty much gay dudes that don't participate in penetrative (anal) sex for various reasons. So my fourth and final time coming out was when, with the help of a counselor and thinking long on who I truly am and where I want to go with my life, I decided to go straight.

So coming out, despite the rhetoric of some in the gay community, wasn't a positive experience for me. It led to more ostracism each and every time I revealed more about who I was. I was made to fear, instead of being liberated of my fear, because I constantly saw the abuse and attacks others in similar situations suffered at the hands of those gay scions who believe that everyone should just live their lives as they dictate.

So back to the original point, it's taken a decade, it's been a rough road, but I've finally come to accept myself as I am, I can now live without fear and concern about being rejected for who I am, because in the end the only person who's approval I need is my own. I'm fine with me, and if others are too, fantastic, and if you still have a problem with me, then there's nothing I can do or say that will change your opinion of me, and I will just have to accept that some people don't have the courage or respect to let others just be themselves. They have to tear others down to their level and make them feel like shit if they don't conform. Ironically, these same people complain about the straight world demanding conformity to gender roles and norms, all the while demanding that their gay brethren conform with the same narrow mentality of a evangelical preacher.

So this is for all of you who feel the same, who feel like you have no where to turn. This is also for those of you who feel that you have to dictate other people's lives for them and can't respect others for traveling a different life path and coming to different decisions about their own lives based on their own experiences.

So where is this "gay tolerance" I've heard so much about? (Gay hypocrisy Example #589)

So yesterday I gave a bit of my story as to why I decided to go straight. That was more focused on the issues dealing with sexual attraction and intimate relationships. I thought I would elaborate more on why I decided to go straight on more the social side.

I didn't really accept I was gay until I was about 20 years old, and about to get out of the military. Up to that point I was hoping it was a phase that would pass, or that I'd get interesting in girls, or something like that. But I never put forth the effort to date women, so I ended up sticking with dudes.

So once I began to come to terms that maybe I was gay, I decided to start getting involved in the community. I didn't get involved until I got out of the military (for fear it might impact my career), but once I got out, I went to clubs, attended a few gay oriented organizations, volunteered with a few of them too, and donated to HRC.

Now, since I was in high school, I've been a conservative guy, leaning Republican on most issues. And despite the fact I was trying to do something good for the "community" and give of myself back to gay related causes, it wasn't good enough because I was a self-hating homo for not being a Liberal/Democrat. Where is it written that I MUST be a Liberal/Democrat? I tried in vain to explain my upbringing, the issues important to me as a person, and my views on the proper role of government only to get attacked over and over for being different. Texas, being a more conservative population in general, was fairly tolerant of me being a conservative, Colorado and Northern Virginia, however, were not. Add to this that I have a great love of all religions (following none in particular myself) so I tend to stand up when someone is attacking another person's religion (or lack thereof as I've defended atheists against religious fundamentalists too). However, standing up for Christians, or even gay Christians also earned me the ire of my so-called peers, who once again, threw out the self-hating label because I wasn't automatically attacking the religions along with them.

Then we get to the masculine versus feminine debate. When I was younger, I had no issue with a persons mannerisms or voice, today, honestly, I still don't really care, I was just never attracted to dudes who were over the top flamboyant and effeminate. So I'm not allowed to have my own preferences, as the self-appointed gay scions state that I should not only be TOTALLY out to everyone I meet - basically introducing myself as gay before I state my name - but that I should be flamboyantly effeminate like them too, even if it would be fake of me to do so, otherwise I'm a self-hating closet case. However, if they don't want to date certain races, heights, ideologies, or appearances, well then they are completely allowed those preferences... And therein lies the hypocrisy that I so detest. How is someone who refuses to date someone different from themselves going to preach to me or anyone else that I should be forced to date someone different from myself?

Getting back to the point of being myself, apparently that was my greatest sin in the "gay community". I want to make it perfectly clear that I started out in the "gay community" completely open-minded to any and all experiences and people of all backgrounds. I fully bought into the idea that the gay community, being on the outskirts of society as a whole, would accept those of all races, creeds, backgrounds, and beliefs. This was my second greatest sin, believing that the diversity and acceptance that gays seek from society as a whole would somehow also apply to those members of the "gay community" itself.

Instead I've endured a decade of being called a self-hating homophobe, a closet case, an evil Republican theofascist (whatever that is), and all sorts of other derogatory comments because I present who I am and mistakenly expected to be accepted as I am. Unfortunately, I have found that the "gay community" wants you to conform to an even greater extent than the heterosexual community. You must meet all the requirements (as I outlined here) in order to be accepted in the gay mainstream. Because I choose to be true to myself and not be someone fake to please the "gay community" I am vilified and ostracized. Apparently, if I were fake, I would be accepted. If I were flamboyantly effeminate, introduced myself as gay to everyone I meet, went to every gay club and event, wore the "right" clothes, and hung out with the "right" people, I would not even have faced the last 10 years of discrimination from the very community that claims to be accepting and tolerant and appreciative of diversity.

So there it is, I could no longer put up with this sort of hypocrisy for a decade. A decade worth of people thinking I have low self esteem and that's why I'm not effeminate, that I'm faking being masculine, that my daddy didn't love me (actually, he took me telling him I was gay better than my mother would have). I had low self esteem because I put up with this type of abuse for a decade from a community with its head so far up its ass and so myopic in its views that there is no hope they will ever achieve anything on their own. I put in my time and effort for gay causes and events. I gave money to the various charities. I took part in the annual events. I was an active participant in the "gay community" until I couldn't stand the constant attacks on myself and those like me who just want to be ourselves and be accepted as we are.

But again, that's too much to ask from the "gay community" which is why I've decided being gay is no longer for me and I know I'm not alone in that view.

Today I decided to go straight

July 12th, 2010 - A day I will remember for the rest of my life.

It was on this day that I came to the realization that being gay/homo is no longer going to be a part of my life. For the last decade I have had only negative experiences with gay dudes, never known love with a single one, and had only losers, users, and abusers as a regular part of my life. With that said, let me recap a short bio of my experiences in the "gay community" so you can better understand why this is a vital choice for the betterment of my future:

When I was 19 I had my first sexual experience. I was in the military and another kid (24 at the time, married with a kid) in my class was pretty friendly with me, we would hang out on a regular basis. One night when his roommate was gone, we hung out in his room and just talked. Eventually the talking got sexual, and we decided to compare ourselves. Then he gave me a hand job. For two weeks after I kept this to myself, struggling with what it meant. I can say I didn't enjoy it, it wasn't bad, but not good either. I finally decided to confide in a mutual friend what had happened, expecting he'd keep it between us. He didn't. The first dude was understandably pissed when he found out I told someone and wanted to beat me up. Thankfully, the situation was diffused, but we were never friendly again after that, and of course, rumors persisted that I was gay and/or trying to get him kicked out. I didn't do anything with another dude for a good 4 months after that. A one nighter with a dude off base.

Several months later, I had my first "boyfriend" that lasted about a month. I was 19 he was 18. Fell in love with me instantly to the point of creepiness. I wanted to end things because I wasn't comfortable with him being that into me, but he threatened to tell my command I was gay and what we did. Thankfully, he couldn't since he didn't know who I worked for (it was a big base anyway and I have a common name).

A few months after that, another "boyfriend" of a month. An effeminate dude that looked nothing like his picture, yet I gave it a shot. That was a bad mistake as he turned out to be an all around loser.

Several months later I dated another dude in the Air Force, he was 10 years older, but again, lasted about a month because he really wasn't comfortable being gay nor ready for a relationship.

From that point on, most of my relationships lasted about one to three months, dating various types of people (fat, skinny, muscular, all races and ages) various backgrounds (military, civilian, students) and various degrees of mental illness (sociopaths, co-dependents, bi-polar, addicts).

After 10 years of this sort of "fun" I decided it's really not that fun anymore. I'm tired of the gay hypocrisy that is prevalent in the gay community that demands conformity to their norms, but attacks you if you are different while complaining to the greater society for not accepting them for being different. I'm tired of the self-appointed "gay scions" who believe that they speak for everyone gay when they attack anyone who holds a different set of ideals or preferences. I'm tired of being called a "self-hating homophobe" when in reality I love myself and everything about me, I just hate being associated with the sort of negativity and stereotypical behavior I outline above and in my other posts.

This brings me to my next and final point. I didn't come about being a homo by being sexually attracted to dudes, which is probably why I have zero attraction to gay dudes at this point. Rather, it first started out as pure envy. I saw those guys in school who I thought were more popular, had better bodies, better lives, etc. I wanted to BE them. I wanted to be them so badly when I would "take care of business" I wouldn't picture myself doing stuff with them, I would picture myself as them.

Come to find out (according to my counselor) that this demonstrates two things: 1. I had a low self esteem (pretty apparent) and 2. That I sought out other guys to fill what I felt I was missing in myself. Now that I've improved my self image and grown my confidence, I've found I have a much lower need for gay men in my life, again, to the point where I am no longer attracted to them. I know that certain gay men won't accept this and say "you're still gay, and always will be!" Well, I disagree merely on the grounds that, again, I have no sexual attraction to them (and technically never really did, I was attracted to what I felt I was missing in my life, not who they were as a person). Now that I am proud of who I am, honestly, I'm the only guy I really find 100% attractive. But I can't really date myself, so there ya go.

Could I find women sexually attractive? I think some are attractive, but time will tell whether or not I can "get it up" for them. It might take time, but I have a decade worth of damage to undo at this point, so I don't expect it to change overnight. I'm going to take it one day at a time, hold my head up high, and work towards undoing the damage that the gay community has done to me, and the torture I've put myself through dealing with their demands and lack of support.

Gay hypocrisy - Example #432-B

(UPDATE: Since I've posted this, I've come to the realization that, in the best interests of my mental health, I no longer want to be associated with homosexuality and will work towards leaving homosexuality behind, that said, this post came from a place of anger at myself and those who I felt were attempting to dictate my life. At this point, I have moved past that anger and internalized homophobia and now just accept that gay people come in all forms, and that most are positive, happy, normal people - with a few negative, hateful, and dysfunctional among them, just as in any given population, and that it was unfair of me to judge the entire population by their most radical and angry examples)

So there is this incredibly effeminate social worker I've been talking to off of "Encountr" (app for smart phones) that finally pissed me off. I was trying to be tolerant before, but when we start down that typical path of "Why can't you accept feminine guys for who they are" type of BS, I get pretty peeved. Why? Because I'm expected to acquiesce to their quirks and flamboyancy, and oftentimes I'm expected to even actively participate, and yet when I want to be my own self, I'm called "closed-minded".

This is why I can't stand gay men. For them it is a lifestyle with all the requirements (see the first post), and if you can't accept those that fit into that category, then you're the evil self-hating homophobe, whereas if they refuse to accept you for your preferences and ideals, they are celebrated among the "gay community"

And that's something else I might expand on later. There is no such thing as a "gay community", the only thing that REALLY unites homosexuals is their shared sexual preference. Beyond that, they are a myriad different sub groups and cliques that are often antagonistic to one another and rarely supportive of any real common cause or progress, unless it's the standard bogey men like Christians, Republicans, conservatives, and heterosexuals in general who don't blindly support GLBT rights.

In other news, I'm seriously considering starting a homo rap group (with anti-gay lyrics, of course). I've got some lyrics bouncing around my head, just need to get them down in my notepad, and maybe find someone that can mix some beats for me.