Clubbing at the Country Bars on Friday!

So I went with my roommate's cousin and our friend to a couple of country bars here in town last night and had a kick ass time! I only set out to talk to a chick, and I actually talked to the hottest chick at the first bar and even danced with her a bit (line dancing, so maybe that doesn't really count :P) And then talked to a whole group of chicks at the second bar, even dancing with two of them. So yeah, all in all, a pretty damn productive night. Baby steps, but I'm going in the right direction.

I'm also happy my roommate's cousin got one of their numbers, since he's been kinda bummed lately since his last breakup. Talking to him on the way home last night, his past is a lot like mine apparently, in that we have too short relationships and we rush into things. So I'm trying to be more aloof now, which is kinda easy since I'm still getting used to the whole getting interested in ladies thing.

I had a lot of fun and I'm hoping we go out and do it again maybe next weekend.

I just hit up my first lady online!

So she's older, but not by much. I told her a little about myself, blah blah. She's fairly attractive, and my female roommate strongly encouraged me to hit her up :D

Her profile was kind of sparse, but hopefully she responds. There's two others I'm going to hit up too probably tomorrow when I get home from work. One's a Texas girl (I love my Texans!) and the other is a pretty active girl from the west side of town, so could be a good match too.

So I'm pretty psyched! Still trying to find other possible outlets too. I think the online route might be best for now until I get used to it.

Also, one of my trainer's clients gave me a big compliment the other day after we ran in the mountains. She's a slightly older lady, but in great shape (married though, so off limits). She told my trainer "I want muscles like that James guy!" My trainer said she should have told me directly, since it would have given me a good boost of confidence, but even hearing it after the fact was still cool!

So yeah, pretty much over the BS from earlier, just going to avoid assholes from now on. As soon as someone is negative in my life, they're gone/ignored/avoided.

Cutting Ties and a New Year

Yesterday was my birthday, and for such a happy birthday, I got burned again. I thought maybe I could find supportive gay peeps that could understand and/or empathize for what I'm going through, but no, it doesn't exist. It's funny for as much as they tell me that going straight isn't just like flipping a switch (I never expected it to be that easy) that learning to accept homosexuality isn't as easy as flipping a switch either. It's not as easy as "get over it" or "grow a pair". If it were that easy, I wouldn't have put up with the last decade. But I did because I erroneously believed that somewhere somehow there had to be some genuine gay people out there who could accept me for me, understand and accept my differences, and understand the pain and hurt I've been through and understand that someone can't just get over it in a finger snap.

So I've cut ties with everyone gay in my life except my closest gay friends, one in DC and one here in Denver. I don't want to talk to gay people anymore, I don't want to associate with them, I don't want to be friends with them, and I don't want to deal with any of their bullshit from this point further. I've let myself get hurt for a decade, it's time to quit that shit and stand on my own two feet away from a "community" so hurtful and negative that it does nothing but depress me to the point of suicide. I kinda hoped I could have someone on the gay side help me through my homophobia, but no, no one is willing to give me the time or effort to understand WHY I'm homophobic and help me to overcome it. They just pile on the hate and pain, making my homophobia stronger.

So if that's all I have to expect, why bother? It's time to cut all the negativity out of my life, and for the 90% of my life that's going pretty damn good, this is that 10% that's holding me back from being a complete person.

Some Articles I've Come Across

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To All the Unsupportive Peeps

OK, I gotta nip this in the bud before it gets too out of control:

If you are coming on here just to attack me, harass me, insult me, or otherwise show yourself to be an unsupportive, negative, and hateful asshole, I will no longer approve your comments. It's only feeding in to my own negativity and pushes me further away from thinking that gay peeps can be accepting and tolerant. In short, if you hate me, dislike me, oppose my goals or message, or are otherwise just so bitter and jaded that you like to make other people's lives hell, then move on, I won't approve your messages anymore and I will give you as much respect as you give me, ie none.

That said, if you ask me tough questions in a respectful way, with the intention of trying to understand better where I'm coming from, why I feel the way I do, and why I'm going through this path, by all means, feel free to post something along those lines. I am not opposed to getting asked tough questions or responding to any comments meant to make me think about my situation in the possible intention to get me to grow further as a person.

Like the old saying goes, when you wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty and the pig enjoys it. Or don't argue with idiots, they'll only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Just understand that if you can't be supportive or respectful, I don't want anything to do with you. Why should I waste my time explaining myself to people who have zero respect for me, don't even want to try to understand me, and would never accept me as I am no matter what? Why should I try to please people that will never be happy? It's not worth the effort to pour my heart out and explain where I'm coming from and only getting attacked for it. How is that supportive and understanding?

Case in point, my trainer's gay twin complained to me that his brother wasn't supportive of him being gay. The trainer admits that was wrong of him and he feels shitty about it because he does love his brother, but never said it the right way and never approached it the right way. He's grown as a person, which is why tonight he told me at church that he's proud of me, which meant a lot to me after all I've been through. He's proud I've opened my mind and heart and that I'm trying to improve as a person. And he's still accepting of me no matter what. I believe he would do the same for his brother now, and that was partially my intention, because it kinda hurts to see two brothers not get along, so I hope one day they can overcome this difference and be good brothers to each other again. But the ironic part is that the gay twin, who complained about the straight one not being supportive, is being completely unsupportive of me and attacking me. So rather than be the bigger man and show that he can be more supportive than his brother, he's taking his issues out on me and treating me like shit in the way he feels his brother did to him. What does that accomplish? Not a damn thing.

That said, I would be supportive to anyone who came to me, no matter the issue. That's just who I am. Unfortunately, I expect (via the Golden Rule) that others would be the same, and sadly it's just not true. But I won't take the blame for other people being assholes. I won't blame myself because of their hang ups or issues. Why should I? Why is it my fault that they have a problem with me. If they have a problem, it's their problem, not mine. If they can't take the time to read about me, understand me, and see where I'm coming from, and would rather draw a caricature of me based on some negative stereotype, then that's on them not me.

It's like my friend told me tonight:

You are a wonderful, amazing, intelligent, sexy guy. And you don't need anyone else to validate you. If finding a good guy were easy, then everyone would be happily married. There's so much shit out there and it's frustrating I know, but YOU can't let it effect who YOU ARE inside if you do, then you let them make you jaded. Live YOUR LIFE FOR YOU.

And he's absolutely right. I'm doing this for me. You can either support me and be understanding of what I've been through and what I'm going through, or you can move the fuck on and leave me the fuck alone. I'm not going to waste my time or emotion anymore on people who will NEVER be happy with who I am no matter what and who will always look down on me and treat me like shit because their lives are so miserable they have to share their misery with others. How do I know they're miserable? Because happy people don't care about making other people's lives hell. Happy people ignore what they don't like or can't change. Happy people share support when possible. I admit I'm not happy right now, but I'm not going to attack those that attack me. Like I said on a comment response earlier, they're doing a fine job attacking themselves and showing the world just how hateful and unsupportive they can be that I don't have to really point it out.

A final quote from that Zen and the Art of Happiness book:

Even if it's painful and lonely, associate with worthy companions

If you can't be supportive and understanding, I don't want you in my life. If your only goal is to somehow harass me and attack me into being gay (I don't understand that, but that seems to be the goal for some of them) then I don't want you in my life. If you can't take the time to get to know me before you try to tear me down, then I don't want anything to do with you.

Look, I know we've all been through pain, but not everyone deals with it the same. If you respond well to being attacked and harassed to get over your pain, more power to ya, that's not what I respond to. The more you attack or harass me, the more I'm going to despise you in return and completely ignore your viewpoint. BUT, if you present your viewpoint respectfully, coming from taking the time to understand my pain, and with the goal of trying to get me to consider something I hadn't thought of before, I will respect that a hell of a lot more than a personal attack or harassment.

That's all I'm going to say on that issue, I've wasted enough time on these people. It's not healthy and just further confirms that I'm making the right choice trying to move on from a community populated by such people.

Man I've been one busy mofo!

OK, so I over worked out this weekend, so I ended up just taking Tuesday evening off from everything and napped out early. Yesterday had another session with my trainer. We're in the "strength" phase now, so that's kicking my butt, but I LOVE it! I have a new lifting partner, a pretty cool kid, lives not too far from me and we'll probably hit 24hr fairly regular I imagine when I'm not lifting with my trainer. He's kinda where I used to be, pretty toned/lean, but not a lot of muscle, so I'm going to help him out as much as I can, push him as much as possible, and help him reach his goals. It kinda feels good to help someone else out!

Outside of that, just taking life as it comes. I need to get ready for school soon. About to start up my MBA with CSU, first class is accounting, which I'm pretty average at. I get the concepts and flow pretty well, but this class also includes managerial accounting, so something I'm not overly familiar with. But I'm sure I'll do well, I usually do (not to toot my own horn or anything, heh).

I can't believe that summer is already almost over and my birthday is almost here again. I'm going out with the guys this weekend to our old haunt in Littleton, should be a lot of fun. My roommate's cousin will be there, who I get along with pretty well. Then Sunday church with my trainer again, I don't know what the topic will be this week, but last week's topic was marriage, which had a lot of good info, even for single people I think.

Overall, feeling pretty peachy, if not a lot sore from the workouts, but they hurt so good! Now if only it would quit raining every afternoon, I could go chill on the back patio and soak up some rays before the summer is over or go for a bike ride or something.

Had some time to kill

I got a session with my trainer tonight at seven, so thought if post something real quick.

I upgraded my 24hr membership so now I can use the big one in south Aurora. I'll probably use it a lot until I get a good group of friends rebuilt up. It feels like I'm kinda left out from hanging out with my new roommates. One just plays on his comp when he's off, the other just watches movies.

I liked hanging out with them and I was kinda hoping wed hang out more now that were living together. Not like every night, but like maybe a bit on the weekend or sometimes during the week.

So anyway, when I'm bored I go hit the gym, so until I get a new crew together, I'll be there most nights/weekends. Maybe that won't be all bad, it's still self improvement, and apparently women are as superficial as dudes, so may as well look as hot as I can get, as shallow as that sounds.

Aside from that, at least I have church with my trainer on the weekend as a social outlet. I'm debating finding some other orgs to join near me.

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